You’re Probably Not a Parent If …

You're Probably Not a Parent If... (a humor list for parents)A little parenting humor for the moms and dads who know what it’s like to notice (after being out and about for the day) that there is a dried booger on your shirt, which has clearly been there for hours.

That said:  

You’re Probably Not a Parent If…

1. The name people use to get your attention is your actual name.

2. The only person you wipe is yourself.

3. You don’t sneak vegetables into things like meatloaf, smoothies, and brownies — you just eat them.

4. You don’t go to bed wondering how many times you’ll be woken up before morning or how many more people will be in your bed when you wake up.

5. Your house is clean.

6. You don’t sound like your mother/father.

7. Toys, dolls, and games don’t eerily start talking or beeping at 4 a.m., making you wonder if they’re alive and if you should go turn them off while carrying a wiffle ball bat, light saber, or fake pirate’s sword.

8. You don’t even have the above items handy.

9. You can walk across your home without the fear of stepping on a Lego.

10. You curse freely and loudly, so that it feels cathartic. (Words like SUGAR and FUDGE, no matter how loudly you say them, don’t do the trick, but why would you know that?)

11. You don’t make all your plans around other people’s nap, sleep, school, or sports schedules.

12. You don’t know every sound that every animal makes and there’s no urgency to learn. (PS: a donkey goes bray, did you know that?)

13. Eighty percent of your conversations do not involve school, milestones, or poop.

14. Your clothes get a stain on them and you were the obvious culprit.

15. You can stay out past midnight without guilt, sleepwalking and multiple check-in calls.

16. The people you go out with will most likely keep their pants on when you’re in public.

17. You don’t have to arrange weeks in advance to go out on a Saturday night.

18. You don’t hear ‘cha cha cha’ between every line when someone sings Happy Birthday.

19. You can watch TV shows when they actually air.

20. You have no clue what this month’s happy meal toy is.

21. Your stuff (i.e. phone, iPad, jewelry, high heels, sunglasses … ) is exactly where you left it.

22. You don’t read any books with lettering larger than 12pts.

23. You don’t have hand sanitizer in every purse, glove-compartment, or junk drawer.

24. You can go to the bathroom uninterrupted and it doesn’t feel triumphant at all.

25. You can sit down through an entire meal. 

26. Your car is cute, zippy, or sexy … it doesn’t smell like curdled milk … and there aren’t 1,000 loose Cheerios, Goldfish, Polly Pockets, or Bey Blades rolling back and forth when you stop at a light.

27. No one has spit up on, thrown up on, peed on, or wiped a booger on you recently.

28. You can have sex in any room and at any time.

29. The above sounds really appealing to you.

30. You don’t spend most of the day obsessing over your offspring.


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10 thoughts on “You’re Probably Not a Parent If …

  1. Foxy Wine Pocket

    Love this list! My favorite: “16. The people you go out with will most likely keep their pants on when you’re in public.”

    I’ll add #31: Your light switches, cabinet pulls, door knobs, and refrigerator door handles aren’t covered in mysterious sticky substances.

  2. sparkling74

    So, I know the donkey goes bray (but he really goes EEEE AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW), but what does a crab say? This was an actual question in a Kindermusik class once. Crabs go click click click. Really????????????????????????????????????


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