Wanna Know Why Moms Can’t Relax? – Shit Like This:

funny mom cartoon

Yes, every one of us has had an attempt to get a little peace backfire like this (and you men think our lives are so rosy)…

I’m finally getting a long overdue pedicure and a long overdue moment of respite ( or so I think). This current span has been about 2 months or 68 days, but who’s counting? I like to let the nails grow unattractively long in the true spirit of martyrdom. Then I wear sandals and constantly draw attention to how badly I need a pedicure, by saying things like “How badly do I need a pedicure?”

The trick is to go as infrequently as possible and only surrender when your nails split and a jagged edge pulls threads in your sheets, thereby making a 3 AM roll over feel like chewing on a metal gum wrapper. Eeeek.

Most importantly do not, under any circumstance, remove the polish. This way you have undeniable proof of your hectic schedule. It implies that your “me time” is so sparse that you don’t even have enough to simply wet a cotton ball.

Today I arrived with the red so far at the tip it looked as if I was wearing a vampire’s French pedicure. Sarabeth, whose real name is Choi Jae Hua, or Yi Hae-Won or something else I can’t pronounce, looks at my feet with a “Tsk.” “I know it’s been a long time,” I say with the joy of squeezing in one last sympathizer. Then she looks up at me and asks if I’m aware there’s a Hello Kitty sticker on the bottom of my foot. “Oh, my daughter was looking for that, if only it were so easy to find my keys.” She then asks if it’s okay to remove it. “Well if you can’t work around it.” I’m not sure if she can hear me; my chair is set on high-multifunction-10. Its “Human Hand” technology is loudly knocking me out of my seat while it heats my tush, vibrates my thighs, froths milk for my cappuccino, and sorts my mail.

I lie, well shimmy back, trying to enjoy my favorite part, the massage. I can’t seem to relax. I am so keenly aware of every left over scrub granule that is kneaded into my legs. Worse, I can sense her daydreaming of the family she has left behind and I’m sure she’s totally resenting me for not shaving, detesting America for making her touch feet, and cursing her boss for making today “$20 Tuesday.” I finally start to relax as she coincidentally realizes she has massaged long enough.

She halts to do the required Korean calf knocking, which she follows with the “Ten Toe Pop” event. She’s seems let down when she can’t get a good snap out of the last two toes (not unlike that annoying handshake of the mid-nineties).

“Okay, pick you color” she says pointing to the wall. I can’t decide between “After Sex” or a hue one shade darker, “3 Bottles of Whine.” I don’t understand why all the colors are sexual innuendos. In the end I go with “Popped Cherry,” which is a medium shade of…well, you get the picture. I spend most of the polish application staring at the tranquil paintings of nude women relaxing on furniture. The woman in the painting across from me appears to be giving herself a breast exam on a plush sofa.

I decided to heighten my relaxation by purchasing a 10 minute massage. I swiftly wriggle myself into the pretzel seat after viewing a short video demonstration by Cirque De Soleil. Then she literally beats the tension out of me. “Excuse me Sarabeth, that knot you’re trying to knead out, I think that’s bone.” She ignores me as she does not recognize the sound of her own name. Probably because she picked the tag out of a basket this morning.

No matter, she manages to pummel it smooth regardless. Then she grabs my wrists, pulls my arms back and relentlessly yanks trying to crack my shoulder blades. She ends with vigorous karate chopping to the back of my neck. Sarabeth then signals someone, and an EMT rushes in with the Jaws of Life to free me from the chair. I walk away totally relaxed, one arm carelessly dangling from the socket. No worries. I’m sure it’s nothing a good orthopedist can’t fix. Seriously, ALL of my attempts at relaxation seem to stress me out!

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26 thoughts on “Wanna Know Why Moms Can’t Relax? – Shit Like This:

  1. Alison

    That was just wonderful! I felt like I was sitting there in the chair with you! You’re a wonderful writer!
    I’ll read more after work today!

  2. Pam

    it is so funny because it is so true—and i always walk around when i am so overdue with my pedicure–and call attention to it …for what reason, i am unsure…its like it is better for me to say it first than for someone to notice that it is way past due…..and the jagged nails do catch onto the sheets and as much as i await the leg massage-it is always, always way too much for me! Coincidentally, i have a pedicure appointment tomorrow—should be interesting! Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article and eagerly await the next!!!!!!!!

  3. jenny

    I really enjoy reading from your imagination. Your writing is amazing! I can hear you speaking as I am reading this! Very accurate and very true! When I am getting a pedicure I am so focused on the fact that I am trying to relax that I am not relaxed at all! Keep it coming….It is nice to read something intelligent for a change!

  4. Denet

    Hilarious…. and of course can totally relate! The manicurist reminds me of a t-shirt I just saw in Vegas. It said “I speak Engwish” 🙂
    Your an amazing writer…. I will have to read more when I have time!

  5. anna

    The psychology of the pedicuree has never been described more perfectly! You are a genius – keep the stories coming. My only addition would be the condescending oil/seran wrap treatment, which is sealed over your toes when you are waiting to dry and they are waiting to close, ugh…

  6. Rachel

    This was too funny. I can so relate w/ waiting as long as possible and having the snaggle tooth toe nail and the nail salon experience. Love it! I thought I was the only one who had a hard time relaxing and enjoying. I see women sitting back with their eyes closed while I’m gripping the chair and giving the nail lady the side eye as she’s pulling at my skin with that pick, or trying to separate my skin from the bottom of my nail, or trying to dig her fingers into my calf as much as possible!

  7. Kat

    I’m more tense at a pedicure than at the dentist’s office. Somehow we willingly pay for this torture. There’s probably a name for that.

  8. Lori

    I’m here because of the son-stealing daughter in law of my future you just warned me about (through a friend on FB). Anyway, our nail salons around here always seem to have Wheel of Fortune on when I am at the mani phase of the mani-pedi. Every. Time.

    Love the first two things I’ve read so I will certainly stick around! Following, liking, subscribing….

  9. Bethany

    How true! I think most women can relate. I haven’t had a pedicure since I was 9 months pregnant (my daughter is almost 8 months old now). It was such an odd experience for me then that I really feel don’t feel brave enough to go back yet. I was.. very big at that point in my pregnancy, obviously. I gained almost 50 pounds and and I’m pretty sure some of that was in my feet, which hadn’t been groomed in God only knows how long because I couldn’t even reach them. Something about people speaking in a different language, laughing in unison, weighing 4 tons and having stark-white cankles that made me feel so judged and like I should never show anyone my feet ever again.


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