Top 10 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep | For 2012

new yearsThis time of year I amuse myself by looking back at last year’s resolutions. Ones I made with the best intentions, like learning an instrument or a foreign language. Last Hanukkah I had my husband buy me a guitar. I had all the confidence in the world that by this New Year’s, I would balk at a request to play “Stairway To Heaven,” saying something dismissive like… “Please, that’s so cliché, but why not?” or “Por favor, es muy cliché, pero porque no? Unfortunately, my guitar collects dust while my Spanish collects rust.

So for this year, I am making some resolutions that are a bit more achievable:

1. Nag More

For over a decade my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb, or remembered trash day without a divorce threat, I mean, friendly reminder.  This year: I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like always and never. As in, “I always, and you never.” I will play the martyr by saying, “Forget it. I’ll do it myself.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here.” Or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2013.

2. Gain Weight

I’m going to quit all good eating habits ASAP.  I vow to add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I’ll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I’ll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it’ll make other eaters uncomfortable to watch. I also vow to eat everything a la mode, including ice cream.

3. Workout Less

This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s garage and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I’ll take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I’m going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream.

4. Forget an Old Language

This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I’m going to let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I’ll watch endless episodes of Adventure Time, The Regular Show and Beavis and Butthead. I’ll quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I’ll break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles, and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance, and a set of bongos that I intend to wear around my neck.

5. Stay Out of Touch

This time of year, I am reminded of the many friends I have let time and space interfere with. I intend to further that distance. I’m gonna start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads, “I never liked you in the first place, Sucka!” Lastly, I will cuss out and then hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.

6. Be Less Patient

I vow to be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole elementary education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell “Discerning” by now, you never will…Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she spends way too much time on the potty.”

7. Hold Grudges

This year I vow to forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or pay me the five bucks you owe me, a day after the assigned due date. You will go on “The List” in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar mustache as I think about how to get revenge.  I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.


8. Stress More

I vow to lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences, and health issues caused by stress. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my iPhone, and then cry over what I’ve just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait…that already happened. Well good, more for me to worry about.

9. Become Addicted to Something

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are so trite. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about like nasal spray or hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue from class projects. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.

10. Gossip More

I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth, so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or you’re a raging bulimic. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced, due to a torrid affair.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My Other Resolution: GET MORE READERS TO THE BLOG SO I CAN GET A COLUMN IN A SHE SHE MAGAZINE AND LEAVE ALL YOU READERS FLOUNDERING!  MWAHAHAHA!!!
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58 thoughts on “Top 10 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep | For 2012

  1. Wilern

    Wow!! SCARY!! Your husband probably breaks out in a cold sweat when he reads your blogs. You might considder taking a picture of yourself,
    riding your broom, in your black suit and pointy black hat and hang it in the living room as a daily reminder for him. Looking at the picture of you on your blog page, it appears you’ve improved the old beak of a nose. Maybe your hubby can get you help and fix your head too. Seems like the last of the marbles may have fallen out. Be that as it may, I loved your resolutions. Good luck keeping them.

    Reply
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  3. Sandi

    Those were good resolutions, Jenny. Here is one of my own that I was actually waiting until I reach retirement age to make but I think I could use the money now so I will make it ahead of schedule. This upcoming year, I am either going to take up robbing banks or start selling prescription drugs out of my home. After all, the dozen or so elderly people that have been arrested recently in my city can’t have all the fun. It seems to be the in thing to be old or disabled and to get caught robbing banks or selling prescription drugs. Of course, I can’t forget the couple that walked in to rob a bank with their five small children in tow. Hey, there’s another resolution for you. I know you have children. Have you or your husband thought about robbing banks to supplement your income? (At this point, I feel obligated to add a disclaimer in the event that Big Brother reads this post…this is a joke, this is only a joke. No actual crimes have been committed in the writing of this reply). Jenny, I hope your new year is bright and cheery.

    Reply
  4. rachy

    all i can add, is that with resolutions like the 10 you suggest, all you have to do is accomplish maybe 2 or 3 of them, and you’re miles ahead of anyone else iin keeping their resolutions!

    happy new year, and i look forward to seeing the new jenny!

    Reply
  5. Steve

    This is very funny… I do love your whit (wit?)… no, I am infatuated with your humor… I want to have comedic intercouse with you i am so comically turned on to your S.o.H.

    So fun to discover a new mind out there…

    Reply
  6. Alexandra

    You are so funny.

    This resolution list here? These I can do.

    Why didn’t I think of this genius kind of list before in my long, tired life.

    Hilarious…do able with joy resolutions.

    TY

    Reply
  7. Barry

    You were right. This was the funniest article I’ve read this year. Some of the resolutions are similar to my wifes resolutions last year. She had little difficulty keeping them. Only kidding?, I meant !

    Reply
  8. Jenn

    LOL! Jenny that is amazing. I feel empowered just reading those resolutions 🙂 I could actually attain most of those. Oh, and I had my husband get me a guitar 3 Christmas’s ago (then we got him one too) and neither of us can play it well yet. I’m going to keep working on that one though. I’m not giving up.

    Reply
  9. Catherine

    Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. While others are blogging about happiness and letting go I knew I could count on you to put it all in perspective. Sadly, even these are too much effort for me LOL! Happy New Year!

    Reply
  10. cherie

    This one might be funnier than last year’s resolutions. But then again I can’t remember, because me New Year’s Resolution is to forget everything…what was I talking about. Happy New Year

    Reply
  11. Pam

    If I hadn’t already made the resolution “I will no longer make New Years resolutions”, I’d jump on the bandwagon with you! I just got tired of disappointing myself every year. Thank you for the good giggles on this post!

    Reply
  12. Tiffany Merced

    I am SO sending the first one to my husband because of my kind nature to warn him. The others are all being sent to friends. Unless of course I have a grudge against them or they having called in a week. Too funny Jenny!

    Reply
  13. redshoes

    Just so you know: I’ve accomplished every one of these for several years now. However, tying into two more of my accomplished resolutions – to procrastinate & fail to live up to my potential – I didn’t write about my achievement.

    Reply
  14. locoyaya

    do NOT put a bite of toast/oatmeal in your mouth before reading this list. it will come out. of more than one hole in your face.

    other than the oatmeal bath my sinus’ just got…this was hilarious.

    Reply
  15. Bari

    I hereby resolve to read your blog always and then to actually blog about it. You are so funny. I’m sure you’ll
    be the one person who will keep
    their resolutions.

    Reply
  16. Kenton Ross

    Yes, I subscribed and for 2010, I’m putting this greeting on our answering machine:
    Hi, it’s a new year and we’re making some changes. Please leave your message at the beep… If we don’t call you back, you’re one of them.

    Reply
  17. Gabriel Constans

    This was the most serious heartfelt and thoughtful list of resolutions ever published in English in print. I am now and will forever be, a follower of Saint Jenny of the Suburban Jungle. The one that really opened my eyes and brought me close (or far away) from enlightenment, was number 6. “Be Less Patient. I will be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole Elementary Education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell “Discerning” by now, you never will…Now, go get a job!”

    That is something all parents should take to heart, envision and implement immediately. Thank you, as always, for showing us the way less, negative path to freedom and salvation.

    Reply
  18. Rob

    11. Purchase (or adopt) 7 cats, 2 parrots, 6 guinea pigs, a dozen goldfish and a cairn terrier that thinks its a small child with gastrointestinal problems. This will go perfectly with the soon to be spouse and child-free home you’ll be gaining.

    As for myself, I promise to stop using that one kryptonite word that so irks my wife, the dreaded ‘whatever’ retort… but only if she uses the word ‘fine’, ‘nothing’ or ‘nevermind’ when it actually means ‘fine’, ‘nothing’ or ‘nevermind’

    Otherwise…no dice.

    Happy New Year!

    Reply
  19. mrsshelly

    well i for one in the uk thinks thats brill …..
    i did wonder if you know the same person as me as it seems so true to life of my friend hehehe

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Rob, good ones “whatever” is still too overused. Wait, was that redundant. Are you calling me redundant? WHAT EV ER! Moving on, Katja – I’m glad I did the work for you. I will send you the bill.

      Reply
  20. Mark

    Jenny- I’ve been living by those same resolutions for years…they really work…so you should be fine by the end of this year!

    Welcome to my world!

    Reply
  21. alfred lives here

    These are totally awesome, I am gonna steal (err, “be inspired by…”) some of them, especially the carbs one. Bring on the carbs! Oh, and more nagging, my husband will be thrilled. Oooh, and be in touch less, that one I can totally do….!

    Reply
  22. Melissa

    Love your face. And not in that creepy stalker-y kinda way, but more in that kindred spirit and I hope to be more like you in the coming new year kinda way. Thanks for making my last week of December worth it. You rock.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I love that you love my face. I rarely have people blurt that out, though I like to assume they’re thinking it. The other day at the mall a man who was “not right” told me he loved my teeth. So, I guess this is a good progression.

      Reply
  23. Bari

    These are some of the most realistic resolutions I’ve ever heard. I’m holding you to them. Should be a fun year , no talk just screams; no diet just eat; no budget just spend… Enjoy and happy new year!

    Reply
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