Many women’s magazines have a “Mom” version of a “How To Have Better Sex,” most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion. “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.” “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.” “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.” (Oh, I like that last one)
Seriously, I’d like to disband the sex myths propagated by magazines, and have a little straight talk here? Be warned though, the side effect of discussing such truths could be a shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying.
Let me break it to you (in case you haven’t figured it out already), sex after kids is often not so hot, or often for that matter. That said, here’s what I think about the most common tips given to moms about sex.
1. Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children: Don’t forget to “Set the Mood,” you know, candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie.
Brutal Honesty Response: Are we still taking time to set the mood? I mean, isn’t that what got us here in the first place?
Listen, if there’s no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, I say you’re as sexy as you need to get.
Work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance. Better yet, utilize the TV as a source of beautiful ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up The Voice. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.
As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ leftover Doritos corners embedded in my thigh. Wait, when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper, does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.
2. Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: Have a date night at least once a week.
Reality Check Response: I love this one, because in theory it’s a legitimately good idea. It’s definitely worth trying every week, but unfortunately, it assumes that there will be a night each week when no one is sick or has an event, that there’s a babysitter or grandparent available, and neither of you are too tired or worn out to go to dinner. — A meal where much of your conversation will inevitably revolve around the kids.
3. Tip From a Writer With More Than 24hrs in Her Day: (My personal favorite.) Don’t forget the foreplay.
Multitasking Mom Response: Really? Really? As it is, I have to have sex while catching up on my Tivo, reading US Weekly, having a healthy protein snack, and repeating the words, “lettuce, milk, eggs” over and over until I can get to a pen. Now, I have to add something else to my repertoire?
Look writers, we forgot the foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth, which I am beyond thankful for.
4. Tip From a Writer with No Sense of Reality: Time your trysts around nap-time.
Realistic and Yes, Snarky Response: Everyone knows that there’s nothing women like more (when trying to have an orgasm,) than the sense of pressure and urgency time constraints put on the experience.
5. Tip that Makes me Say, “Are You Out of Your Cotton Pickin’ Mind?”: (That’s right I said cotton pickin’ and I meant it!) Start Your Day With a Bang. Set your alarm an hour earlier and have an uninterrupted top-o-the-morning.
Bitchy Uncensored Response: First of all, what ambitious sexperts think an entire hour is necessary? Nine minutes would do the trick and still, I’m not down with that idea. Do you know what I like to do before I wake up in the morning? SLEEP! Yep, I’m not even willing to bang that snooze button one less time!
Mommas, do yourselves a favor, throw out those, “spice it up” pieces and top 10 lists. Don’t be too concerned about the quantity of the sex you’re having as long as your having some. We all gotta do what works for us.
I recall a friend asking, “Do you ever wake up to your husband having sex with you?” I remember thinking, “No, in my house, we call that rape.”
Now, I’m thinking, “Hey, whatever works,” Well, If you can have a roll in the hay while hitting the hay, consider yourself a professional multitasker.
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