The Toony Awards – What It Would Be Like if Kids Cartoons Walked the Red Carpet

I was watching the Oscars, which as everyone knows is the Super Bowl for women and gay men across the globe. Unlike real sports, the best part of Oscar night is the pregame. I had them all Tivoed: E!’s red carpet with Ryan Seacrest, Network with a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, and TV Guide’s Joan and family where Ryan Seacrest is actually a cousin (by marriage). I had shamefully missed the original airing and was trying to watch the next morning, hoping that I would not be disturbed. What could be worse than accidentally catching a glimpse of my NY Post which would surely have the night’s biggest upset under a very clever play on words? My daughter, who is obsessed with anything princess, was running around the house in my shoes and begging to play.

I envisioned the start of what could potentially be my favorite yearly ritual and sat her on my lap. “Look Ryan, look at all those princesses.” She was unimpressed and within minutes was bored to tears, literally. Well she is 4.

“Mommy put on the Backyardigans,” she chanted bouncing up and down on my ottoman. So off went the pre-show and on came those imaginative little animals who I think are supposed to live in low income housing, or at the very least something government subsidized. Like them, I began to create a whole different world. A world where the characters of our favorite kids cartoons get to attend an  awards show, a show for the celebs of the under 5 set, a gala of epic proportions.

Leo:         “Hello I’m Leo here with June of the Little Einstein’s and welcome to the Red Carpet for the annual Toony Awards. Unfortunately, my sister Annie is with Rocket and Cooper Anderson in the Gobi Desert. I’m told they’re singing baba waba Osama to Beethoven’s 9th, in a bunker that strangely resembles Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory” picture of melting clocks.

Quincy is not here because he is attending a rally for “Out” magazine.Not that an effeminate black male who is scared of the dark and plays multiple instruments including the flute, piccolo, and triangle has to be gay, he’s just exploring his options.

But, we are on a very important mission right here in Orlando Florida, cartoon capital of the world. Let’s check in on June who is with the cast of Blue’s Clues.”

June:       “Hi Joe, I want to ask what is on everyone’s mind… What are you wearing?”

Joe:        “I have on an green on green striped tuxedo by Ralph Lauren purple label.  Side Table drawer is wearing a runner from Isaac Mizrahi for Target and a vintage Tiffany lamp.”

June:       “Well she is truly glowing. Let me ask you Joe, is your acceptance speech written in your handy dandy notebook?”

Joe:         “It actually is, and the notebook was encrusted by Judith Leiber to look like a handbag.”

June:       “Fabulous may I see it? I see a crying boy in a monochromatic shirt, a can of gasoline, and a pack of matches. Hmm, these clues can be so hard to decipher.Leo back to you”

Leo:        “Well it looks like another banner year for the Latinos. Regretfully, Handy Manny will not be able to make it due to a citizenship issue however, he did build the stage. Dora is up for best actress in a Series Over-Using the Word “Aaabre”. She appears to be solomente. This is a smart call after last year’s awkward celebratory french kiss with her cousin Diego and that highly disturbing make-out session with her pet monkey, Boots. June do you have any celebs over there?”

June:       “Yes, I am watching the Mystery Mobile pull up, and what an entrance! Shaggy, Scooby and what looks like the Harlem Globetrotters have appeared like magic out of a huge puff of smoke. They seem to be heading this way however, it may take some time as there legs are spinning, but they are actually not moving…Ah welcome fellas today must be very exciting.”

Scooby:  “Reah, reah, rexciting.”

Shaggy:   “Hey, like do you have any snacks, we’ve like got the munchies.”

Scooby:   “Reah, runchies.”

June:        “I actually do not, try the E! booth they don’t pay that vampire Seacrest the big bucks for nothin’. Hey Leo, getta load of that clown walking down the carpet.”

Leo:         “Yes, June there’s JoJo and right behind her are the Disney princesses, who as you probably heard spearheaded a recent movement forcing cartoonists to draw underwear on all female characters. This of course is in response to circulating internet pictures of a fully plucked Daisy Duck exiting a limo on her way to Minnie Mouse’s “2 Weeks Jack Free” celebration… Monterey Jack, that is.  Let’s ponder that while I send it back to June and the cast of Rugrats.”

June:       “Hi, Tommy and Angelina Pickles, your show is up for it’s holiday special “Santa Woks” is that a cooking show?”

Tommy:   “No, I have a wittle twouble tawking… I’m 1.”

June:        “I see, well as you probably know you are one of the only Jewish cartoon families ever drawn aside from the short lived series “Moisha and the Shiksa.” And here you are nominated for a Christmas special. Angelica, don’t you feel it’s your responsibility to be role models to young Jewish children and to break stereotypes?”

Angelica:   “We took our image very seriously as we calculated the estimated earnings of ‘Santa Woks’ vs. our original script ‘2000 years of Bondage.’ Which by the way we are producing, but in another film genre. We just signed Ron Jeremy on to play Moses’s staff”

June:        “Well I’m sure Quincy will want to check that out. Leo back to you.”

Leo:         “Everyone is still waiting to see if Barney will walk the red carpet. He has been rather elusive after rare footage was released on UTube of him purveying fire whiskey to minors and singing “I love you, you love me” to Callou, Little Bear, and Oswald during a raucous sleepover. This ended in the wee hours of the morning after they allegedly took turns riding Thomas the Train.”

“Well that’s our time…Enjoy the show!  Leo OUT!”

8 thoughts on “The Toony Awards – What It Would Be Like if Kids Cartoons Walked the Red Carpet

  1. rachael

    MY DEAR JENNY,
    i always knew you were creative, fun, fashionable, and honest……i knew you were the one to go to when i was required to write a speech for my sisters wedding!!! (which obviously was well rehearsed by me and provided lots of laughs to the guests)…
    YOU ARE IT!!!!!! SERIOUSLY?? SERIOUSLY… AN AMAZING WRITER…. one who should be writing for magazines so the world can share in your (life) stories which are funny, yet true…. and only you can say it like that!!!!!! You are so extremely talented and i am so extremely impressed!!!! i know i am lucky to have you as a friend and really truly a part of my life…others would take joy in just being able to read your articles…stories…blogs You will become a household name!!!!!! I LOVE YOU—-RACHAEL

    Reply
  2. pam

    Wity and unique as usual!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    What an imagination ….
    Thoroughly enjoyed it!
    Anyone can appreciate it—but even more so when u have little ones at home who watch the shows mentioned…

    Reply
  3. Stephanie Kagen

    Jenny
    So funny! Very witty and creative. I laughed out out when you said the Scooby and gang might take awhile to get over to you because they were running in place. You could alwyas crack me up. I look forward to reading more of these!
    Stephanie

    Reply
  4. Jaime

    Jenny
    This was great! Very funny. I especially liked your jab at all of the Christmas specials. You would think that the Little Einsteins (owned by Hebrew U) would have a Hannukkah special, but that is too much to ask. BTW, I actually like the Backyardigans. The music is rockin. Keep it coming!
    Jaime

    Reply
  5. Cherie

    This was a riot, loved it. Especially that comment about Ron Jeremy, I guess Barry’s Video brings back membories. Keep up the good work. You really know how to make me laugh. I’m laughing right now just invisioning June and Leo on the red carpet. I’ll be looking for more…

    Reply
  6. Debbie

    You made me laugh!!The pre shows are the only reason to watch the oscars.I’ll think of your story next time i’m getting my over due pedicure.thanks for making me smile,i’m looking foward to reading more from you.Debbie

    Reply
  7. faemom

    Hilarious! LOL I was picturing more of a play by play about attire when I read the title. I’m impressed by the wittiness and scandal of it all.

    Reply

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