Certain things go on in nature that make you want to close your eyes and scream “earmuffs.” Yet, instead you watch, unblinking, like a sicko. It’s not your fault… we all do it.
Susan at 8AM: You have to come see this. It’s horrifying. It’s like DuckRape.
Me: I just want to make sure we’re clear. You’re asking me to come to your house so that we can watch ducks have sex? Can we not afford good porn?
Susan: You make me sound so cheap.
Me: Well, you want me to drive over to your house to watch something so horrifying you’ve termed it rape?
What? You people think my days are so full of work that I don’t have time to watch ducks get laid?
Me: Half hour later, (when we were able to peel our eyes away) HOLY CRAP!
First, let me explain that she wasn’t kidding or even exaggerating. If you’ve ever seen Mallards or their cousins, the Muscovy ducks, mate – and frankly, who hasn’t – you’d know of what I speak.
The drakes are like boys at a frat party gone wrong—very very wrong. I swear one of them quacked, “No means Yes.” Well, it was “Quack, Quack, Quack,” but he said it with the same intonation (He then shot-gunned a beer and smashed the can on his beak).
As I watched with disturbing fascination, these guys just pecked at the female, attacked each other, and took turns attacking the female until she relented. It’s like my husband any Saturday night he doesn’t eat himself into a food coma. (So, like, once every couple of months.)
I walked up to the female, let’s call her Tina, and said, “Look, I can get video of the whole thing. This will definitely hold up in court, and we’re gonna see Ike behind bars in no time. I’ll represent you if I have to.” I don’t think a duck trial would be too complex. I mean, I’m sure it’s nothing like a kangaroo court.
I took her lack of response to mean she didn’t trust my legal abilities. “Yeah, well, good luck getting a better lawyer. Most of them are busy with Lindsey Lohan. How about this – just let me call Florida Animal Control, and I’ll have him removed from the premises.”
This time, I took her lack of response to mean that I should give it a try. She was also pinned to the ground, so I thought a bit of creative interpretation was called for.
Operator: Animal Control. How can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’ve witnessed a heinous crime in the animal kingdom, and I need you to come and remove the offender.
Oper: Ma’am what are you talking about, do you have a gator?
Me: No. I have a rapist duck.
Oper: What kind of duck is it?
Me: Why does that matter? Do you discriminate against certain types of ducks? (Everybody’s a racial profiler these days.)
Oper: Is this a serious call?
Me: Yes… It’s a Muscovy duck.
Oper: I’m sorry ma’am. We don’t deal with animals that aren’t indigenous to Florida, and Muscovy is actually a breed from Mexico.
Me: And you have a thing about Mexican Ducks? What, do you think they’re taking all the jobs from American ducks or something?
How horrible, this poor duck crosses the boarder for a little clean agua, and next thing you know she’s flying with a fast crowd, a gang attacks her, and she has no recourse. It’s just like West Side Story, but with less dancing.
Me: Wait, is there a Mexican Animal Embassy I could call?
Oper: Lady, that’s how ducks do it.
I especially love the operator’s last line because she was so serious throughout the conversation – calling me ma’am and such – even though it was said in an accent straight out of “Deliverance.” But she ended with “do it,” not “mate” or even “have sex.”
So, I got directly into my car. I couldn’t even look Tina in the eye, mainly because I promised to put her old man on Dragon Pearl’s Chinese take-out menu, but also because she’s really ugly. Seriously, have you ever seen those Muscovy ducks? If there’s a lesson to be learned from the “The Ugly Duckling,” it’s that people really do hate ugly ducks. Though I feel like there was an actual lesson to that book? Hmm. Also, to be learned, animal control hates Mexicans.