I’ve found that this is a foolproof way to firm those dimply lumps of fat and lift that butt. Wait, did I say foolproof, I may mean fool-worthy, ahem, the jury’s out. But either way, I’ll tell you my theory, and I’m sure you’ll thank me later. Well, that or send me hate mail, but definitely one or the other.
Lately, I’ve been delving into how totally insane and irrational I am. I know, it’s fun for you too. So, I’m taking a look at one of my “tricks” that makes sense in my effed up mind. My rationale is that the more sagging and cellulite I have the shorter the shorts I must wear. Like, as a punishment. Oh, you think I’m kidding, but I kid you not.
Look, I own many of those cute little Theory button up short-shorts (shown above) and frankly, they weren’t cheap. How was I to know that gravity would send my butt into my thigh area and divots were going to take up property with same fervor as bubbies migrating to Boynton – Boca/Delray – North Miami beach?
It’s clearly not my fault, but if I want it to go away, or at least get better, because it’s partly genetic (thanks ancestors) and partly due to the hands of time (thanks gravitational pull), I have to work out and eat right. Unfortunately, I’m also super lazy and love me some sugar, which means that I need serious motivation to do such activities.
Which is the very reason I WILL NOT allow myself to pack those puppies into the back of my closet. No, quite the opposite I will FORCE myself to wear them and shame myself into getting on a treadmill — taking my dog for a walk — saying “no” to that piece of birthday cake.
See, when you’re wearing short thigh revealing cellulite huggers, there’s no way you can say “yes” to a piece of cake, or a piece of pizza, or a chicken finger, or a scoop of ice cream. This is why I tend to wear them to children’s parties.
As long as you have a child attending the party, no one will call the police on you for indecent exposure. I found that one out the hard way. Though it serves me right for crashing a 4 year old’s birthday party while wearing short shorts, simply to test my theory.
I also wear them to embarrass myself with the general public (not just at Chuck E Cheese). Here’s how it works:
I wear them to Starbucks or the mall and run into a random acquaintance and I’m all, shit, I know you’re just staring at my thighs that are kissing like Ryan Gosling and any of his costars, ever. And I deserve it, because I don’t do anything to work out, plus these short shorts aren’t helping the matter much. And they’re all, “My kid accomplished blah blah and just won blah.” But, I’m not paying attention because I’m thinking about my butt and I know they’re secretly saying “who is she kidding in those shorts?” but at the same time they’re all, “Yay, I love that she has cellulite!”
Then I go home and get on the treadmill, or at the very least make a mental note to get on tomorrow, well, sometime in the near future, so we can avoid this awkwardness the next time.
Maybe it’s actually nice of me to wear super short shorts, so that other people feel will better about themselves. Like a public service.
But, I still feel crappy about myself. So, I hope you’re happy, while you’re taking such joy in moments that I loathe. You must feel really good about yourself now, huh?
What a horrible person you are!
Now, you feel like shit and I still have flabby buttocks. Like I said the jury on my system is still out, but totally try it and let me know if it works. And send pictures.
PS Please send all hate mail to my great friend Lesley, who totally made fun of me for having cankles all through middle school: LesleySucksAndINeverGotOverIt@gmail.com
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