Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”
“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”
Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?
Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.
As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.
Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):
After writing a recent post on 15 things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that as a child of the 80s, I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.
But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.
1. Being fairly certain you would one day marry: Scott Baio, Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, River Phoenix, one of the Coreys, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Kirk Cameron, Matt Dillon, Ricky Schroder, or Tom Cruise.
2. Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.
3. Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.
4. That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).
5. The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.
6. Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!” Continue reading
I rarely if ever, take on a campaign where I review or talk about products that I’m paid to discuss. Yes, I’ve been offered cold hard cash to do so, but more amusingly I’ve been offered lot’s of shit: everything from sex toys to washer/dryers. To those peeps I say “Look, if they won’t accept your mode of payment at Starbucks, I don’t accept it either. I’ve tried paying Starbucks with vibrators — no go.” Well except for this incident.
That said, I was asked to do a special shopping event for SearsStyle and I jumped at the chance — strictly to see if I could rise to the challenge. Why? Because I would never consider shopping for clothing at Sears. Frankly, the last thing I bought there was a treadmill and you can’t wear that to a party. Also, in my fabulous and long forgotten NYC days, I was a stylist and owned a personal shopping company — which makes me an addicted bargain hunter who knows how to shop. So, I was all, “Bring it!”
My instructions were to find outfits at Sears and pick one to wear to an Art of Fashion and SearsStyle event at the trendy Raleigh Hotel in South Beach…
I have 2 rules about shopping:
1. You can find something great ANYWHERE!
2. Never spend a fortune on uber trendy items, when you can save that money for a sick bag or boots that will last you more than a season or two!
With that in mind, Continue reading
I have added a Tip o’ the Mornin’ to my regular repertoire of hilariously funny, thought provoking and possibly award winning articles.
Well in answer to the question, Do I need microdermabrasion? Yes. yes you do. I don’t know exactly who you are but your skin is probably dull and the elasticity is probably slack. Okay, I may be projecting, but along with suffering from dull slack skin, I selfishly envy fresh faced youth. It always makes me feel good to drive by a highschool, hang my head out the window and scream at the cheerleaders. Things like. “Your pores may be small, but your such a slut and everyone knows it.” or “So what if you don’t have any wrinkles now, one day your kids will stretch your nether regions beyond recognition and your HS sweetheart will be a cheater working a dead end job, and your face will show it all. I know what your thinking, Can I come?
If you think there’s a better way, then maybe you should try microdermabrasion. First it sandblasts your skin with an abrasive material or ultrasound, then it vacuums your pores clean like a shag rug in the bathroom and last it stimulates new collagen production. I have been trying to coax my collagen into regenerate for months now, so if this works, I can stop begging! It costs $100-$200 a blast and should be done by a licensed professional –it can cause damage in the wrong hands.
Will it minimize wrinkles? Probably not, but it can help with fine lines, sun worshipers with skin damage and those who went through that awkward teen acne. Who am I kidding, I still break out at “that time of the month.” That’s when I go to an old age home, hang my head out the window and scream, “I may have a zit or two, but at least I still get my period.”
If you have an experience with microdermabrasion, please share.
Okay, I was wrong the last time I said I was famous. You remember the article “Famous Mom Gets Fired Over Crack,” when I got noticed in the supermarket and vowed to wear a bra in public, though unnecessary, for the rest of my illustrious life? Now, I am really famous.
I have tons of stalkers, I mean people who follow me on twitter and people are sending me SWAG! As in Some Wonderful Accessory, Gratis. My first piece of SWAG is one I would have paid for, which means I’m much more famous than I thought. Had the designer waited, I would have put in an order. But, fame waits for no one and so, she has to write me off as celebrity PR.
Like any celebrity, I had one of my assistants receive the package in our “package receiving area.” Translation: my son grabbed it from the mat at our front door. Then I asked my other assistant to play me some SWAG opening music, a little known thing most stars do. Of course, why would YOU know that? Anyway she did an amazing rendition of “You and your hand.” A song I hope she’ll be singing in about 10 years when the boys are callin’.
The box came from Violet NYC, a very glam, very chic handbag company, of which I am a huge fan. The owner is a friend from college who smarty realized the magnitude of my star power. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in years, but we are sisters. Anyone who has been in sorority knows that, “sisterhood is the tie that binds.” I mean, there is never any dissention, cattiness, or ill will between sorority sisters. Those oddly placed shower scenes and pillow fights in sorority houses are completely true to life.
I had FaceBooked to tell her, “The line is amazing,” “The Italian leather, looks so supple,” “Kudos on all the press you’re getting,” and “Do you actually know Jessica Biel and Blake Lively?” It seemed to be taking off, and in all honesty, after randomly coming across her bags on cute young celebs, and in Lucky and Star, I was hoping for the SD (sorority discount). I realized when she simply wrote back, “Thanks,” that she was not familiar with the common practice of giving such discounts.
Some time passed and while I contemplating what to order, I got famouser and famouser. And then I got the call, “Hi notorious J from the B, who I used to just call Jenny.”
I thought that was a bazaar greeting too, but I’ve been called worse.
“I know you love my handbag line, as you have written me almost too many times telling me so… I want to send you a bag.”
“YOU DO!!!,” cheer-leading style hurkey.“ I mean, of course you do,” silent glee with queer 1980’s fist elbow jerk a la Micheal J. Fox in “The Secret Of My Success.”
Say it’s the aptly named VIP.
“How about the VIP?”
“Sure, whatever ,“ I mumbled in my, too cool for school, Danny Zucco impression.
So, today it is really official, I am famous. Oh, and I even get to give you guys the perk of an extra 20% off. You can never say that I let my importance go to my head, or that I don’t give back to the fans. You are my peeps and I pledge, that whenever I get anything free, I will strive to get you 20% off. I will even give you a link, Violet New York City . (put TAKE20 as the disc. code)
If you get the VIP please call before you carry it, so I can make sure we won’t be at the same event. Though, I will surely be in the VIP section with my VIP bag, oh and Gwynnie and Jamie Lynn and their bags. So, it won’t matter anyway.