Tag Archives: Obama

Oscar Turns His Trashcan into a Meth Lab and I Got a New Column

Just to be clear, I didn’t get a new column because Oscar built a meth lab, and frankly, Oscar didn’t build a meth lab because I got a new column.  Though, I’d like to narcissistically think that my writing could have such an insane effect on Muppets.

Needless to say, Slimy wasn't very pleased!

Muppet domination has been a lifelong dream of mine (you know you’ve had that dream too) and if a couple innocent puppets get hooked on street drugs along the way, I say “pass the crack-pipe.”

So onto the first statement:  I got a new column, called Did That Really Happen?, which will run at The Stir!!!  One of my favorite sites EVAH!  Why?  They’re snarky, they’re stylish, they think I’m funny, and they’re owned by Billy from Melrose Place!

Plus, I’m in the company of some of the best humor writers out there: Best selling authors, Jenny (the Bloggess) Lawson, and Jill (Scary Mommy) Smokler, Kristin Chase from Motherhood Uncensored, and Aunt Becky from Mommy wants Vodka.

That said, I’m feeling a ton of pressure. I mean, it won’t be easy to compete with these babes, but I intend to kick some Mommy ASS! Oh, that’s right, I’m ready to throw down!

I’m not sure if you peeps are aware, but I have a black belt.  A freakin’ black belt! Sure, it’s not so much in Karate as it is in Marc Jacobs, but I think the amount of style it omits could really pack a punch … or smartly cinch a skirt (one or the other).

Now that my worthy adversaries are probably shaking in their boots, I must ask, “are they stilettos?” (the boots, I mean), because I’ve totally been looking for a new pair for fall and I’d love if you could send me a picture of them on instagram!  I mean, ahem, “Send your stiletto boots my way immediately — and I’ll back off, bitches!!! Hey, no COD, either … and I expect you to pay for shipping (but I have a UPS number if you need it).”

Oh yeah Bloggess, we’ll pretend this really happened and Mrs. Smokler, who’s scary now?!

Fine, the truth is, I’m honored to hang with these chicks and I would love YOUR support in my newest endeavor!!!

Sooo, please choose 1 of the following options:

1. Send me a pair of stiletto boots ASAP, I’m a 7.5/8!

2. Come give me some Karate lessons … or at the very least a gift certificate for a Zumba class!

3. Like this update to spread the word and most importantlyCheck out, comment on, like/share my first article:

In the Wake of Romney Big Bird Debacle — Oscar Turns Trashcan into a Meth Lab

(A look into the possible fate of Sesame Street – for The Stir)

This shit is TAME, yo!
PS — The first comments I’ve gotten on the new piece go something like this: “THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER READ” and “SHAME ON ME” — I’m off to a great start!!!
But I KNOW you guys have amazing senses of humor, so I suggest going with option 3  – and show it some love! If you think you’re dumber for having read it … umm, keep that to yourself!!!

Thanks for your support xoxo!

Jenny From the Blog

Are We All Pathetic Or Is It Just Me?

Example 1)  This morning’s alternating AOL headlines went something like this:  Car Dealers are desperate, month’s best deals. ‘Dancing’ reveals star replacement, see who it is. Part-time job market picking up, there may be hope. Obama to reverse stem cell policy.  Are you kidding me?  There is a replacement on dancing with the stars?  All of these crazy things are going on in politics the economy and world events and I’m pissed cause I have to wait for them to rotate around so I can find out who it is.

Example 2)  Last week I got in a blow out fight with Mark.  The kind that is so frustrating you want to throw a remote at your husbands head.  I was holding a bag of oyster crackers at the time, my favorite salty low blood pressure fix, so I threw those instead.  The bag whacked him in the chest and they exploded out like fireworks.

“I have to go get Jake,”  I yelled as I turned back to see him angrily picking them up off the floor.

I jumped in my car, having left the conversation unfinished.  I was seething.  All I could think was, ‘I bet he is mixing the oyster crackers tainted by our overly puppy peed on carpet with the good ones that are still in the bag.  He sucks.  This is why I can’t stand him, he would never take the extra second to throw the contaminated ones in the trash, with consideration for the joy that those little salty devils give me in my time of sodium deprivation.  No, why would he show such thoughtfulness?

When I got back he had picked up my daughter from our neighbors and helped her draw a picture for me.  He called me in to see it.  I went, but only after checking the pantry to find an almost full bag of ruined oyster crackers.  “Fucker.”

Well, you be the judge.  Is it just me or all we all pathetic?

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