Tag Archives: generation x

Because Chachi Loved Joanie, Not Me and Other Reasons I Made Out With Posters in the 80s

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

Stop leering at me like that … I was 10

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

If only this was a
pillowcase!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

Yes, 1000
times yes!

Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me, not us? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. Why didn’t the 80s heartthrobs I so desperately wanted, not love me back? Because we never met? Maybe. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother?Boobs?

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.

I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but Continue reading

Just Bleep it Out Children – The Things Moms Do For Love – Quick Bytes

These are a Quick Bytes, like a Wordless Wednesday, but with words … and no picture. So really, nothing like that … maybe more like tapas?

JUST BLEEP IT OUT CHILDREN

This was my convo in the car last night and it just reiterates that I’m constantly outsmarted by my children and also that sometimes I’m too lazy/tired/worn-down to care.

8yo Daughter: Mom, can you buy Thrift Shop for your iPhone, it’s the new Gangnam Style.

Me: Is it?

8yo: Well, it is for the older kids. The kids in my class still think Gangnam Style is the new Gangnam Style, but they all have YOUNGER sisters and brothers, so they don’t really know.

Me: Not like you who has an older brother to teach you what’s up?

8yo: Yep. Oh and don’t get the clean version, I’ll just say “bleep” through the f’words. It ruins the song when they just go silent during the bad words don’t you think?

Me: (I actually do) Um, well Continue reading

I May Be Going Steady With The Pool Boy

I May Be Going Steady With the Pool Boy

AKA The Story of One of My Most Awkward Moments EVER! …

Here in South Florida many of us have pool boys. I’m not sure what the PC term is: “pool men,” “pool attendants,” “stewardesses?” Frankly, I think “pool boy” is a compliment, as the term implies — hot, strapping, and young, like the ones in movies (I imagine that’s what they’re like out in LA). For the most part our “pool boys” are not the rippling tan cliche that’ll turn you into a Mrs. Robinson, no, Continue reading

10 Annoying Moms You NEVER Wanna Get Stuck With

The 6 Moms You NEVER Want To Get Stuck With

At a party last weekend, I got stuck with one of “those moms” You know, the annoying moms you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings? So, I decided to make a list of the most common types of annoying moms I’ve come across. This way you can avoid them before they trap you!

1. PMS Pam: Talking with this “depress-fest” is more sobering than watching an aged Gary Busey perform live. Her weighty chit chat will include talk of diseases that could strike at any time, children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage.

Rule of Thumb: Never talk to her alone, as it will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!

2.  Know it all Nicole: This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won’t take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn’t like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She’ll tell you whether you should or shouldn’t vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru.

Rule of Thumb: If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn’t run for the hills, hear her out — you can never know too much about blow jobs — then bring up vibrators.

3. Donna Droner: Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only imperative, but scintillating — whether she’s describing how she rescheduled her children’s annual checkups, or rattling off her 39-step trick to get discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you’ll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.

Rule of Thumb: Take a fake call. If you’re not holding your phone, pick up anything, hold it to your ear and answer it.

4. Braggy Beth: This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid’s accomplishments are, Beth’s kids did it better, and did it earlier. “Your daughter doesn’t know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I’m sure she’s fine. It’s just that my Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb — I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive… she barely speaks English.” Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give her perfect little angel the finger.

Rule of Thumb: Don’t give her kid the finger… kick her in the shin and run.

5. TMI Tammy: Tammy is like a bad Facebook status in the flesh. She feels that the disgusting details of the ooze in her son’s ear and the consistency of her daughter’s last bowel movement is lunchtime fare. Though you may only know her from “Meet the Teacher Night,” you somehow also know that she has an inverted uterus and hence prefers it doggy style.

Rule of Thumb: TMI Tammy can work in details that would make Eminem blush, so stick to “Hi” and “Bye” and NEVER ask how she’s doing.

6. Judgy Julie: This delightful mom is assessing your every move. On play dates, she’s estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple: find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along: She is better than you.

Rule of Thumb: Be careful how much you let Judgy Julie see because she doesn’t keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offered up as team mom could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.

Addendum: 10/1 (I said there would be more and here they are…)

7. Fend For Yourself Fran: This mom sees your child as her respite. Your kid is distracting hers, so that she can get a moment of peace, a glass of wine, a few minutes to read “Mommy Porn.” She’s not concerned with what the kids are doing, as long as they’re doing it quietly… and far away. You may come to her house to find your child, miserable, hungry, bruised, or locked in a bathroom, which she will have no explanation for, as she was unaware your child needed supervision… or a glass of water, or a Bandaid, or some protective gear.

Rule of Thumb: Always have her kid at your house or send yours over to hers with a survival kit.

8. Delusional Denise: DeeDee has no clue what her child is REALLY like. She’s blissfully unaware that her darling offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she’ll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat.

Rule of Thumb: Keep yourself your kids and your pets as far away as possible — Denise’s kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.

9. Stalky Samantha: Samantha wants your life. She will sidle her way into plans with you. She’ll make sure her kids get close to your kids, sign them up for the same activities, clubs, teams, and classes. She’ll call other people to determine where you are at any given time. Her covert detective skills include frequent drive-bys, constant contact through scouring pictures and updates on social media, and oddly “running into you” like, everywhere.

Rule of Thumb: Be careful with this one, as we all know how stalker movies turn out… plus you’re probably convinced she has weird super powers like super hearing or ESP. (Well, that’s just silly because she’s actually a vampire.)

10. Me Me Mimi: “Enough about you, more about Mimi,” is her slogan. “What? Your child is allergic to peanuts and went into anaphylactic shock at school?  I totally know what that’s like. That happens to my little Carly with chocolate. I mean, she’s not allergic, but it does a number on her tummy. Last Halloween she had such a bellyache… as you can imagine, it was awful.”

Rule of Thumb: Avoid this time suck at all costs, as even a nod in her direction opens a door for her to tell you more about herself and her family… AND DON’T GET HER STARTED ON HER DELIVERY STORY!

Some days I may or may not fall into one of these categories, though I like to believe those days are few and far between. Which mom makes you want to send smoke signals? And who did I miss (feel free to make up your own)?

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18 Random Things We Wouldn’t Know If We Weren’t Gen Xers

Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?(Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother, Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?)

About a week ago I turned 40 …

I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription)… Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or that somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)

No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:

1. I wouldn’t recall the Facts of Life before Edna’s Edibles burned down and Cloris Leachman took over. I’d say, “Who’s Mrs. Garrett?” and “Tootie on roller-skates, really? I don’t think so.”

2. I wouldn’t know what it would be like to get up to change the channel on the television set or how to adjust bunny ears. (For those non Gen Xers, “bunny ears” is not a photobomb technique.)

2013-09-12-JennyIsenman.jpg

3. I wouldn’t know how incredibly ridiculous and large, I mean gorgeous, my hair could look by spraying my bangs to the ceiling and simply adding an over-sized scrunchie or clip on the top of my head, or an attractive horse mane-creating banana clip to the back of my hair, or how to weave my own ribbon barrettes à la Olivia Newton John in Xanadu.

4. I certainly wouldn’t have learned most of what I know about grammar, science, math and history from School House Rock. To this day, I can tell you who invented the cotton gin, why 3 is a magic number and how our nervous system is like a telegraph line. I’m also fairly certain the Great American Melting Pot is an actual stew made by the Statue of Liberty.

15 Things I Wouldn't Know if I Weren't a Gen Xer... #funny #humor #ecard #genx #generationx

5. Nor would I know what a Yuckmouth is, what to do when I “hanker for a hunk a cheese” or how not to drown my food in ketchup or mayo or goo.

yuckmouth

6. I wouldn’t have diligently listened to Casey Kasem count down the weekly hits while praying Bananarama, Debbie Gibson or The Bangles would take the number one spot (and not have been ashamed to admit it).

7. I wouldn’t know the joy of waking up at 6AM on Saturday morning to catch The Super Friends and wishing there would be a storyline that included one of the random heroes or villains. You know like, Apache Chief, Plastic Man, Mxyzptlk or Bizarro. (Did anyone else think Wonder Woman was hooking up with Aquaman?)

Did anyone else think she was hooking up with Aquaman?8. Plus, I don’t think I would’ve made it through adolescence without “One to Grow On” or “After School Specials.” Frankly, without the likes of Mr. T, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields or Punky Brewster telling me not to steal or cheat or throw up after meals — I don’t know that I would’ve turned out OK.

9. I wouldn’t know from Corey Apple, Adam Bomb or Sy Clops.

garbage pail kids10. I wouldn’t know the excitement over getting a brand new Brother Word processor (you could type an entire sentence at a time, I kid you not – goodbye white-out).

11. I would have never annoyingly used the phrases and terms: “Where’s the beef,” “Barf me out,” “No Duy,” “Tubular,” “Faced” (as in, “You got faced”) or like the word “like” every like other word in like a sentence. (All to my mother’s dismay.)

12. I wouldn’t have been able to watch (while pretending to be asleep) Eddie Murphy sing “Unce, tice, fee times a mady,” or teach me the word “scum bucket.” I wouldn’t know why Mr. Bill screamed “Oh No,” or why it ’tis better to look good than to feel good.

13. I probably wouldn’t have owned a rainbow assortment of EGs, that we all know were beyond perfection with a pair of simple Keds, or awesome Reebok hightops, or fancied up with a glorious pair of shoe boots!

14. I wouldn’t have attempted to do the flash-dance quick-toe-tap and hair swing while wearing leg-warmers and a splatter painted, off the shoulder sweatshirt for my 4th grade talent show. (Oh, if I could erase that day! Alas, I cannot — years of therapy says so.)

15. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to use my allowance to buy the Beastie Boys License to Ill album (as in LP), and play it on my awesome record player with mono AND stereo… nor would I understand how speakers were also furniture… mine were used as makeshift bedside tables.

16. I wouldn’t know the feeling of getting a Cabbage Patch Kid after being on a wait-list at Caldor that felt like an eternity — and not even being able to pick the one I got, but loving her/him nonetheless. Extra points if you can remember the name, mine was Mitzy Shirley.

17. I wouldn’t be able to wow my children with my awesome dance moves including: The Running Man, the Roger Rabbit, the Cabbage Patch, the MC Hammer, the Robot, the Sprinkler, the Shopping Cart, the Walk the Dog … Oh, I’m goooood.

18. And those references to winding cassette tapes with a pencil that you see on Facebook — I’d see them as meaningless graphic designs to be silk-screened onto a tee shirt. 

cassette

Shit, did I age myself saying silk-screened?

I meant iron-on.

No?

Glitter decal?

Still no?

Acid washed? Stone washed? Distressed?

Getting better?

Organic? Composted? Made from hemp… green coffee… some material that wicks sweat?

Fine. I can’t fool myself or anyone else, and when I look back at all the crap I got to enjoy, I kinda don’t want to. So, I’ll embrace it!

Gen Xers are like totally awesome…

school house fock

Happy 40th to ME!

PS Am I the only one who remembers this shit??? Test me: What wouldn’t you remember?

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50 More Things I Remember as a Child of the 80s

garbagepail

After writing Tuesday’s post on things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1.  Being on a wait list for a Cabbage Patch Kid and not even being able to pick the one you wanted (bonus points if you remember its name — mine was Mitzy Shirley and she had the dreaded short curly hair).

2.  Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3.  Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4.  That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5.  The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6.  Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!”

7.  What kind of G-news Gary Gnu shared.

READ MORE:  (Right click and open the READ MORE in a new tab or window, so you can come back and read Part One – 15 Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t A Gen Xer)

Promos for My New Show are Up!

I thought I’d keep you guys posted as the Jenny Isenman show takes form. Yes, the promos do include dancing and Gen X references…  both of which age the crap outta me.

Please take a sec to share with your friends and like or comment on the video. Frankly, I’m hoping to parlay “likes” into free shoes. Does it not work that way?

*Please note that I did not say Ricky Shroder would beat Rob Lowe  in a hotness contest, that would be a totally amateur statement, I mean, duh, it’s not like we were pitting Leif Garret against Shawn Cassidy or Scott Baio against Kirk Cameron (those would be a toughies).

However, the power of editing is great.  And now you know a fun behind the scenes fact, like on Pop Up Videos.

(If you don’t know what Pop Up Videos is, I must assume you’re young and wrinkleless and I’d be so jealous of your taut skin, well, either that or you’re Amish.)

Actually, the Ricky Shroder comment came from a confession about how I always wanted to take a ride on Ricky’s train and

maybe do a lap or two in his race car bed.   Whoa, that sounded way more risque than I meant it.  When I was wishing to ring Ricky’s bell (train bell, you sick people), I was barely a tween, though “tween” wasn’t a term then, and I was innocently wishing to do nothing more than hold the his hand.

OK, I wouldn’t have minded a little peck.

FINE, I probably would’ve let Ricky feel me up.

Whatever judgy people, he had freakin’ video games in his living room and a phone that looked like a mallard, you would’ve totally let him feel you up too!

 

PS if you missed the first promo, here you go (this is my favorite I think you’ll see why):

And definitely subscribe to the show or send me shoes, but one or the other.

Show set - LOVE!

Thanks for the love and support!!!

xo – Jenny From the Blog

Productive Things to do While Doing it – The Cure for Boring Married Sex

You might be thinking, “Jenny from the Blog, the Jen X’pert, silly girl – that’s just you. My sex life is as hot and heavy as ever.” Well, to you I ask this, “When was the last time you had sex on a surface that didn’t have sheets?” (Hmmm? been a while huh?) “Ok, when was the last time you had sex not between kids asleep time and you asleep time?” I rest my case – B-O-R-I-N-G… Continue reading

I’m Old Uncool and I’ll Never Get Over Macho Grande

airplane_shirleyI was at a hip trendy salon the other day to get my hair blown out before my Thirtyfive-ish birthday dinner.  While talking with the owner and the receptionist, I sarcastically mentioned that I had a plethora of something or other, and the owner Chris said, “Plethora is such a funny word; it always reminds me of…”

Cue me interrupting, as I knew where he was going; “’Three Amigos?’” I interjected, and before he could answer, I continued in my best dirty Mexican accent, “Would you say we have a plethora of piñatas?” “Oh, jes jes, El Guapo, we have a plethora of piñatas.”

Cue crickets.

You, the reader, may in fact have no clue of what I speak, though if you do… you’ll enjoy where this goes. You see, in the good ol’ days this was how “Generation X” conversed with, and sized one another up.  Like many a Gen X’er, quoting movies was my language and my way of knowing whether you were worth my time.  What once had the “Something about Mary” effect for me, now made me feel more like Magda.  You know, Mary’s old, haggard neighbor.  Ugh, the thought of being either of those adjectives gives me agita.  Great, now I’m using terms like agita.  My prophecy is self fulfilling!

Chris: “I’ve never seen ‘The Three Amigos.’ I was thinking it sounded British, like Monty Python and what’s that movie called?  Oh right, ‘The Holy Grail.’”

Wait, is this an opening?  Can I regain my cool here?  Sure I can.  This time in my best Cockney falsetto (cause that’s always cool) “Doctor, is it a boy or a girl?” and in a proper British accent I answered myself, “I think it’s a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don’t you?”

Cue the look of utter bewilderment on the face’s of both Chris and the cute little receptionist who should be in school.

Me:  “You know, ‘The Meaning of Life?’”

Chris:  “No sorry, I’ve only seen the ‘Holy Grail.’  Isn’t that what most people quote anyway?”

Me: “Yeah, probably but that’s so cliché. Quoting the ‘Grail’ is like playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ on the guitar.”

Chris: “Right?” He said in an attempt to end this awkward conversation with the senile old lady.

But I wasn’t having it.  Nooo, I was determined to relate to him or make an ass of myself trying.  “The key is for the quotes to be a little obscure.  I mean, how else would you know you’re talking to someone on your level of humor and wit?”  I explained.

And then it dawned on me: Holy crap, I’m not only old; I’m the biggest geek EVER!

Before my brain was able to fully process this fact, I continued, queerly trying to relate to someone 15 years my junior.  Well, I know he likes ‘Linkin Park’ and metal bands, so maybe ‘Spinal Tap,’ the best rock mockumentary ever, could redeem me… it redeemed Lenny, you know, of Lenny and Squiggy?

Me:  “You probably love ‘Spinal Tap,’”

Chris:  “I don’t listen to them, but I really like Metallica” he replied, trying to relate by mentioning a group from my era.

What? You think ‘Spinal Tap’ is a band? In some kind of Tourette’s reaction, I began uncontrollably spitting out lines thinking something would surely ring a bell.  It had the same effect as someone talking louder to a person who doesn’t speak English.  “These go to 11.”  “It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.” “You can’t dust for vomit.” NOTHING? “Come on…Caddy Shack, Fletch, Airplane, Hot Shots? Anyone, anything…Bueller?”

Chris: (Realizing this conversation would not end until we found common ground) “I liked ‘The Naked Gun.’”

YES, ha ha ha I’ve won!  I’ve broken through.

Me:  “Nice beaver.” “Thanks I just had it stuffed.” Oh, g-d I can’t stop.

Chris: “Yeah, don’t know that particular line.  I have ‘The Naked Gun 33 and a Third.’”

Seeing the defeat on my face, the receptionist awkwardly popped in for the first time, “I think I saw ‘Airplane’ once.”

Me:  “Surely you can’t be serious???”  That was just to make myself chuckle.  I wasn’t expecting the banterish response any Gen X’er, like me would give.

Receptionist:  “No really, but but, I uh, don’t remember if it was 1 or 2,” she answered, letting the perfect opportunity to play along pass her by.

I also noticed that she actually stuttered her words.  Oh crap, I’m scaring her.

Me:  “Nervous?” “First time?” “No, I’ve been nervous lots of times,” I blurted out.

I regained my composure long enough to continue, “Wellllll, was it 1 or 2, they’re totally different?  The original is like, a classic!”

Then I lost my composure and went on without breath “It’s like a big Tylenol with wings.”  “I can make a hat… a broach… a pterodactyl.”  “I take my coffee black, like my men.”  “Oh stewardess, I speak Jive” “That’s funny, he never asks for a second cup at home.”  “A hospital – what is it?”  “It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now!”  “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.”  As I was escorted from the salon/spa, whose atmosphere I had completely un-zenned, I did my best Ethel Merman until I passed out!

Yep, I’m an old geek who’s got no game… and I’ll never get over Macho Grande.

Spill, did you ever quote movies to seem cooler?  I won’t tell.  In fact, I may call you up.  Oh, and if so what’s your favorite quote of all time?

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