So today, I ended a friendship. A 20 year friendship that started with drinking late nights at on campus bars and toddling half coherent back to a dorm room located somewhere one should be able to walk to — (if only our knees would cooperate). A friendship based on years of learning to be adults (or feigning such) of boyfriends and husbands and children and Bar Mitzvahs. Well, you get the picture.
So why would I let such a deep and meaningful relationship go? Because she didn’t warn me about the an@l probe! Sure, we all say that phrase a lot as in: “I’d bet an an@l probe on it.” Or “A bird in the hand is worth two an@l probes in the… (well you know how that ends)” or the ever popular: “One day if you go to a doctor that I recommend to you for a procedure that I’ve already done and I forget to tell you an an@l probe is involved, you can totally end this friendship, I’ll understand.” You say those things in passing and you never realize that one day you may actually mean them.
Well, today is the day. I just left workout 1 of vaginal therapy (see What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends for more on that) and wow was it an eye-popper. OK, remember how I said in the article referenced above that I was going to get my prolapsed vajayjay in fighting shape to avoid hysterectomy and also so that I could enter it in contests and beat other vaginas at things like “the car pull” or the “diaphragm toss?” well, I wasn’t kidding. This vaginal therapy is hardcore, but hardcore what? is the question.
Me to technician: How come no one alerted me about the an@l probe?
Tech: We don’t like to scare people off.
Me: Awesome. So, basically it’s a surprise an@l probe not unlike a prison rape scene?
Tech: You can forgo the probe, but it’s the only way to tell if you’re doing the Kegels properly and what your muscle level is and whether you’re making progress and how much therapy you’ll need, if you can fix it, how many grandchildren you’ll have, your IQ…
Me: Fine. (Moon Riverrrrr)
And as it turns out, so says the probe — I am the worst Kegeler like ever. I might as well be Kegeling my eyeballs for all the good my crappy Kegels are doing. Also, I will have 6 grandchildren, and I can freakin’ join Mensa.
As for my ex-bestie Tracey… She swears there were no probes involved in her therapy. She feels if it happened she must have repressed it (like I did much of my childhood -see My Most Embarrasing 80’s Moment for more on that).
I infromed her that she was a liar as one couldn’t have repressed such a memory because it’s the kind of thing you never forget. If that weren’t the case you wouldn’t hear so many people who were abducted by aliens complaining about it. (And that’s sound logic.)
So, I hate you Tracey lose my number (you know where you can stick it)!
*I’m sure you’ve noticed I changed the spelling and that is because the last people I want finding this article are those that are searching that term! Oh, and aliens (they never share or comment).
PS- I’m gonna be on the Today Show Friday (I will try not to mention my vajayjay)!!!! Filming tomorrow, please TiVo the 10 o’clock hour (unless I tell you tomorrow to make yourself super busy during that hour and forget that I mentioned it)
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Lego image via DibyGraham/Card by Jenny From the Blog