18 Ridiculous Things Parents Say to Their Kids Because They Have To

18 Insane Things Parents Say to Their ChildrenYou know how there are certain phrases you’ve said to your children, that upon reflection, you can’t believe actually came out of your mouth?

Last week, I had to ask my 12 yo son, J to “stop smelling the cat” and there was a time I explained to my daughter Ry, that “the balls boys have are not the same as the little balls on your tongue,” (may we never discuss balls on her tongue again) and just a couple weeks ago  I had to explain motorboating to my tween son (with an audio and quasi visual demonstration), so that he could keep up with the middle school cafeteria banter.

As parents, we’ve all had to turn some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. The question is, have we, the parents, gone bat shit crazy for uttering these words, or is it our children who are certifiable, for doing things that require us to speak them?

Here are some of the weirdest things I’ve had to say to my children over the years (I surprise myself daily), plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans, who never disappoint.

1. “You can have a favorite shirt, but you’re not allowed to have a favorite pair of underwear.”

2. “Gum you find under tables is NOT ‘free’ gum.”

3. “I don’t care how much she annoys you, your sister is not for sale.”

4. “Please stop riding the dog.”

5. “You cannot charge your friends at school for massages. And please stop massaging people at school.”

6. “We need to keep our pants on in public.”

7.  “The money you see in fountains is not up for grabs.”

8. “Please stop fondling Nana.”

9. “Poop is not paint.”

10. “You CANNOT practice writing your name, on the furniture … with a Sharpie!!!”

11. “Play-Doh is not your snack today.”

12. “Sticking erasers up your nose and shooting them out at people does not qualify as a talent, no matter how accurate your aim is.”

13. “You have to stop farting on each other.”

14. “NO! You can’t attempt to saw your sister in half!”

15. “‘Do not let the puppy lick you there.”

16. “Just because you found it and it’s alive, does not mean it’s our pet.”

17. “Why did you toothpaste the cat?”

18. “I’m begging you to stop licking me.”

What’s the most insane thing you child has ever made you say?

PS – Today a clerk at Kohl’s said this to me in all seriousness and with good reason: “Ma’am, please keep your bra in your shirt.” … SO maybe it’s just me.

PPS- I defended what led to that statement on my Facebook Page, in case you’re interested.

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28 thoughts on “18 Ridiculous Things Parents Say to Their Kids Because They Have To

  1. Sara

    Yay! My “why did you toothpaste the cat?!” made it to the list. I never did get an answer, just a minty fresh kitty that got annoyed he had to have a bath. 🙂

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      That was one of my faves and may be one of the only that made it to the pared down version. I just love the image!!! as to the answer… why must one have a reason for toothpasting the cat??? XO

  2. Jennifer

    It’s amazing what we find ourselves saying to our children… I wrote a post back in 2011 called “My Life Without Kids” and in it I listed some of the inane things I’ve said to them! My favorite is “Why must you be COMPLETELY naked when on the toilet??”

    Here’s the link, if you’re interested.


    Great post Jenny!! I hope I never have to explain motorboating to my almost 12 year old!! Yikes!!

  3. Pam

    Thank goodness I am not alone!! I have said most of these as the mom of 2 teenage boys, but the most common one I hear myself saying is “get the cat off your head”. I have no idea why they put the cat on their head but he doesn’t seem to mind either…

  4. One Funny Motha

    “Do you want to be the smelly kid in in class?” After my preteen daughter repeatedly tried to wear the same outfit multiple days in a row.
    “Change your outfit, change your underwear. The 2 go hand in hand.” – Upon finding approximately 0 pairs of underwear in her laundry when I went to wash it.
    And, finally, “Please do not pick your nose when you are talking to me.” – When engrossed in a conversation w/ my son.

  5. Connie Lissner

    Hilarious! I’m sure I thought “I’m begging you to stop licking me,” but I don’t think I ever said it out loud. I have said, “Push your penis down or you will spray the wall.” Never thought I would utter those words.

  6. My Special Kind of Crazy

    Haha! I have to tell my daughter to stop licking me on more occasions than I like to admit. Another frequent statement I cannot believe I need to say, much less multiple tomes, is, “please do not touch butts with your friends at school.”

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  9. Jennifer


    However, “poop is not paint” is troubling. I think everyone should be aware that children who play with their poop (unless young toddlers) is a sign of sexual abuse.

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  11. Sabeeha

    “Please leave daddy’s nipples alone”…. My daughters go to line when she sees her dad without a shirt “oh look pinch daddy’s nip nips”


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