You know how there are certain phrases you’ve said to your children, that upon reflection, you can’t believe actually came out of your mouth?
Last week, I had to ask my 12 yo son, J to “stop smelling the cat” and there was a time I explained to my daughter Ry, that “the balls boys have are not the same as the little balls on your tongue,” (may we never discuss balls on her tongue again) and just a couple weeks ago I had to explain motorboating to my tween son (with an audio and quasi visual demonstration), so that he could keep up with the middle school cafeteria banter.
As parents, we’ve all had to turn some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. The question is, have we, the parents, gone bat shit crazy for uttering these words, or is it our children who are certifiable, for doing things that require us to speak them?
Here are some of the weirdest things I’ve had to say to my children over the years (I surprise myself daily), plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans, who never disappoint.
1. “You can have a favorite shirt, but you’re not allowed to have a favorite pair of underwear.”
2. “Gum you find under tables is NOT ‘free’ gum.”
3. “I don’t care how much she annoys you, your sister is not for sale.”
4. “Please stop riding the dog.”
5. “You cannot charge your friends at school for massages. And please stop massaging people at school.”
6. “We need to keep our pants on in public.”
7. “The money you see in fountains is not up for grabs.”
8. “Please stop fondling Nana.”
9. “Poop is not paint.”
10. “You CANNOT practice writing your name, on the furniture … with a Sharpie!!!”
11. “Play-Doh is not your snack today.”
12. “Sticking erasers up your nose and shooting them out at people does not qualify as a talent, no matter how accurate your aim is.”
13. “You have to stop farting on each other.”
14. “NO! You can’t attempt to saw your sister in half!”
15. “‘Do not let the puppy lick you there.”
16. “Just because you found it and it’s alive, does not mean it’s our pet.”
17. “Why did you toothpaste the cat?”
18. “I’m begging you to stop licking me.”
What’s the most insane thing you child has ever made you say?
PS – Today a clerk at Kohl’s said this to me in all seriousness and with good reason: “Ma’am, please keep your bra in your shirt.” … SO maybe it’s just me.
PPS- I defended what led to that statement on my Facebook Page, in case you’re interested.
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