I Have Found A Way To Add More Productive Hours To Every Day!

My theory on the principal who attempted to “sleep” strangle his wife with her hoodie string, is that he was actually lucid and when she awoke he pretended to be asleep. This is something even a 4yr old can do. I know, my kids and husband are pros at fake sleeping, especially when avoiding a chore or when trying to get away with murder.

I told my theory to my Mother-in-law, who was very offended by my ignorance in sleep strangling. “Don’t you watch Oprah?”

“Umm, is she on Cartoon Network?”

“She has people on that do all kinds of stuff in their sleep. They eat, they clean, they garden, they cook. They are on video doing it.”

I had no idea how productive one could be when sleeping. And here I am wishing for more hours in the day, when they were there all along. I feel so lazy. To think, all these years I ‘ve been using my sleep to explore my unconscious desires and true feelings about people I’ve lost touch with, movie stars I will never meet, and ego shattering incidences that I never address or admit to in my waking world.

“Now, these people on Oprah that you speak of, are they complaining about these afflictions?”

“Well sure, they are in sleep therapy, and studies. They are trying to find cures.”

“Are they nuts? If we have any say in the sleep disorders we are plagued with, I call sleep cooking, then sleep cleaning, sleep aerobics, sleep showering, and sleep sex. Wait, scratch that last one, I’ve already mastered it.”

Can you imagine if sleep accomplishments could be taught? The next Hollywood craze could be Sleep Kabbalah, and Sleep Striptease workouts with Carmen Electra. I am certain a few celebs are onto it already. Ryan Seacrest, Steven Speilberg, and Martha Stewart, who up until now I was sure were androids or at the very least vampires, are clearly doing sleep stuff.

Take Martha, who has enough time to cook a meal in multiple courses, invite friends to eat it on hand written notes, calligraphied on hand dipped paper, make season appropriate place cards that are not only edible, but look like wreaths, and can be reused as lingerie drawer sachets, and still have time to make shady deals and verbally abuse the help? (That’s just breakfast.)

If I were still in college, I’d take slumber learning 101. Then I’d party all night, and sleep through all my classes. Everyone does the latter anyway. It’s a brilliant idea, learning to learn in your sleep. It would be like asking a genie for more wishes. That would be the one class that I could actually apply in real life; certainly more than English Lit. I can’t tell you the last time someone wanted to analyze the symbolic meaning of the labyrinth in “The Name of The Rose,” but I can tell you the last time I slept… last night.

I am going to try giving myself subliminal messages all day. If all goes well I will awake in a bed that is already made, refreshed, clean, with firm thighs, taught buttocks, and the smell of lobster risotto and bananas foster filling my home. If all does not go well, I may strangle my husband in his sleep. I’m gonna do a pro/con chart on this one, but I’m thinking the reward outweighs the risk.

PS- Mark if you’re reading this, don’t sleep in a hoodie.

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9 thoughts on “I Have Found A Way To Add More Productive Hours To Every Day!

  1. Denee King

    Alas, I can close the book on the question that has beguiled me (is that an appropriate use of that word…it makes me sound so educated…which will play into this reply in just a moment…hang in there with me) for years. Should I go back and finish college? And now, at last I don’t have to because I get a continuing education via the wisdom of Suburban Jungle Mistress. And I already know how to fold a fitted sheet – like Martha, ya know – so now I’m smart and crafty. Thank you for helping me close another chapter of indecision. Now I’m sleepy. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Bari

    I’ve tried studying in my sleep. I read some info. to be memorized into a recorder and played it back while I took much needed naps. Apparently the sh_t works because I passed and now get to practice on real people.

    Reply
  3. Insanity Kim

    I am actually seeking out a mathematical way to remove a day from my week; I think it will involve a protractor, an eraser, a time machine, and causing the planets to fall out of their current alignment. But see, the genius of it all, is that I will have that extra day tucked away, only for me, in which I will sleep all I want. I will run down to my secret lair, and get into my secret time machine, where I will secretly sleep for…wait, I have a TIME MACHINE?

    I gotta rethink this whole thing…I’ll be back…

    Reply
  4. allinadayswork

    I am very sorry that you were so offended by the swastik symbol.I know it is a symbol of hatred for many people , but in India it has a very religious connotation.
    Here it is considered as a very auspicious symbol and is drawn at the entrance of our houses in the form of a rangoli (a decorative pattern on the floor or wall) during all festivals and religious activities.
    If you see the center of the pattern, i have made 4 signs in red ,all of which are holy symbols for us.
    I hope you will now understand my point of view.

    Reply
  5. melissa

    i was offended by the swastika too…btw!! and they never wrote me a note back!!! well, now i know what the swastika meant to that blog. but i still don’t like seeing it floating around. it offends my jewish blood!!
    anyway…
    you…are hilarious!!
    pole dancing while sleeping will be all the rage.
    and…i don’t care what you say…martha stewart is a vampire android!! for sure!!

    Reply
  6. Cherie

    Jen, I’ve been sleeping through life from the very beginning. I slept as a babe, I slept through school, I slept through marriage number 1, I slept through childbirth, and now I am sleeping through marriage number 2, as a matter of fact, I’m sleeping right now, please turn out the light. Keep up the good blogs, I love em.

    Reply
  7. Pingback: I Ate My Cat While I Was Sleeping | Suburban Jungle

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