The Traditional Pedicure | The Suburban Jungle

So I am finally getting a long overdue pedicure.This current span has been about 2 months or 68 days, but who’s counting?I like to let the nails grow unattractively long in the true spirit of martyrdom.Then I wear sandals and constantly draw attention to how badly I need a pedicure, by saying things like “How badly do I need a pedicure?”

The trick is to go as infrequently as possible and only surrender when your nails split and a jagged edge pulls threads in your sheets, thereby making a 3 AM roll over feel like chewing on metal.Most importantly do not, under any circumstance, remove the polish.This way you have undeniable proof of your hectic schedule.It implies that your “me time”is so sparse that you don’t even have enough to simply wet a cotton ball.

Today I arrived with the red so far at the tip it looked as if I was starting a new trend in French pedicure.Sarabeth, whose real name is Choi Jae Hua, or Yi Hae-Won or something else I can’t pronounce, looks at my feet with a “Tsk.”“I know it’s been a long time,” I say with the joy of squeezing in one last sympathizer.Then she looks up at me and asks if I am aware there is a Pokemon sticker on the bottom of my foot.“Oh, my son was looking for that, if only it were so easy to find my keys.” She then asks if it’s okay to remove it.“Well if you can’t work around it.” I’m not sure if she can hear me; my chair is set on high-multifunction-10.Its “Human Hand” technology is loudly knocking me out of my seat while it heats my tush, vibrates my thighs, froths milk for my cappuccino, and sorts my mail.

I lie, well shimmy, back trying to enjoy my favorite part, the massage.I can’t seem to relax.I am so keenly aware of every left over scrub granule that is kneaded into my legs. Worse, I can sense her daydreaming of the family she has left behind and I’m sure she’s totally resenting me for not shaving, detesting America for making her touch feet, and cursing her boss for making today “$20 Tuesday.”I finally start to relax as she coincidentally realizes she has massaged long enough.She halts to do the required Korean calf knocking, which she follows with the “Ten Toe Pop” event.She’s seems let down when she can’t get a good snap out of the last two toes (not unlike that annoying handshake of the mid-nineties).

“Okay, pick you color” she says pointing to the wall.I can’t decide between “After Sex” or a hue one shade darker, “3 Bottles of Whine.” I don’t understand why all the colors are sexual innuendos.In the end I go with “Popped Cherry,” which is a medium shade of…well, you get the picture.I spend most of the polish application staring at the tranquil paintings of nude women relaxing on furniture.The woman in the painting across from me appears to be giving herself a breast exam on a plush sofa.

I decided to heighten my relaxation by purchasing a 10 minute massage.I swiftly wriggle myself into the pretzel seat after viewing a short video demonstration by Cirque De Soleil.Then she literally beats the tension out of me.“Excuse me Sarabeth, that knot you’re trying to knead out, I think that’s bone.”She ignores me as she does not recognize the sound of her own name.No matter, she manages to pummel it smooth regardless.Then she grabs my wrists, pulls my arms back and relentlessly yanks trying to crack my shoulder blades.She ends with vigorous karate chopping to the back of my neck.Sarabeth then signals someone, and an EMT rushes in with the Jaws of Life to free me from the chair.I walk away totally relaxed, one arm carelessly dangling from the socket.No worries. I’m sure it’s nothing an good orthopedist can’t fix.Why do my attempts at tension release always seem to stress me out?

20 thoughts on “The Traditional Pedicure | The Suburban Jungle

  1. Alison Astair

    That was just wonderful! I felt like I was sitting there in the chair with you! You’re a wonderful writer!
    I’ll read more after work today!
    Alison

    Reply
  2. pam

    it is so funny because it is so true—and i always walk around when i am so overdue with my pedicure–and call attention to it …for what reason, i am unsure…its like it is better for me to say it first than for someone to notice that it is way past due…..and the jagged nails do catch onto the sheets and as much as i await the leg massage-it is always, always way too much for me! Coincidentally, i have a pedicure appointment tomorrow—should be interesting! Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article and eagerly await the next!!!!!!!!Keep on going-you have an audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  3. Jenee Evans

    Jenny,
    I really enjoy reading from your imagination. Your writing is amazing! I can hear you speaking as I am reading this! Very accurate and very true! When I am getting a pedicure I am so focused on the fact that I am trying to relax that I am not relaxed at all! Keep it coming….It is nice to read something intelligent for a change!

    Reply
  4. Denet

    Jenny
    Hilarious…. and of course can totally relate! The manicurist reminds me of a t-shirt I just saw in Vegas. It said “I speak Engwish” 🙂
    Your an amazing writer…. I will have to read more when I have time!

    Reply
  5. Anna

    Jenny,
    The psychology of the pedicuree has never been described more perfectly! You are a genius – keep the stories coming. My only addition would be the condescending oil/seran wrap treatment, which is sealed over your toes when you are waiting to dry and they are waiting to close, ugh…

    Reply
  6. Robin Jermaine

    So true…I just re-lived my pedicure from yesterday. Why do they find the need to beat the shit out of you. And our husbands think it is relaxing…what a joke!!!
    Your writing is wonderful and I had some “laugh out loud” moments…that’s a good thing. LOVED IT!!!

    Reply
  7. Stephanie Kagen

    I was laughing out loud. You are a great writer. I can’t wait for your next story. I just had a pedicure yesterday, and I did not shave I was thinking the same thing about my legs. Too funny.

    Reply
  8. Jamie F.

    oops…I left my comment with the wrong story! Ok…here goes again! This was absolutely the funniest thing I’ve heard (read) in a long time! Needed a kleenix..laughed so hard I was crying. Just had a pedicure this week and couldn’t turn the chair massage off fast enough! Everything was hilarious! You a velly funny giwl (get it?)

    Reply
  9. Cherie

    This was extremely funny. I especially enjoyed the manicurist’s undaunting massage. Of course my manicurist doesn’t hurt during the massage, its that huge metal emery that she uses to remove all the skin from my soles and the cuticle pusher that tears apart my skin on my senative toes.

    Reply
  10. dad

    Very,very very funny. I can’t relate
    to the content, but didn’t have to. You’re
    a terrific writer I had a great laugh. I’ll pass this
    site to my friends. Your ability is unbelievable, I’m trying to figure now to take
    Ad Very very funny. I visualized the situation and laughter. Your talent amazes me and I look forward to reading your other articles. Your loving dad

    Reply
  11. susan

    smart–funny and so true! still nursing a wound from my last pedicure at angel nails–serves me right for leaving applewoods! looking forward to reading more humorous takes on husbands, kids and the rest of suburbia!!

    Reply
  12. Annie

    I love your writing style. I’m lol. I’m scared to see how you will describe your manicure 🙂 I will be sharing your blogs with all my friends. We can all use a good laugh.

    Reply
  13. Tammy

    My sister Anne told me I had to read your article – I am glad – it was very entertaining – true to life in every nail salon! Looking forward to future articles about everyday life!

    Reply
  14. Julie

    Jenny,
    My friend Annie was right. She knew I’d get a kick out of your site. Thanks for allowing me to laugh out loud. Unfortunately, I can relate to your pedicure episode. I’m a stylist in a salon and yet, I continue to layer the polish on my overgrown toenails until my next appointment that I don’t have. Is there something wrong with having 10 coats of nail polish??? LOL!!!!!

    Reply
  15. SUZIE

    THANKS FOR THE GREAT LAUGH….HOW TRUE YOUR STORY IS. ALL US MOM’S WANT IS A LITTLE RELAXING TIME, BUT DO WE GET IT???? AS YOU STATED I ALSO DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND THE KARATE CHOP OF THE CALVES. IF IT WOULD TAKE OFF A FEW INCHES I WOULDN’T MIND IT AT ALL. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD TOP IT OFF IS IF ANOTHER MOM BROUGHT IN THEIR LITTLE ONE BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T FIND SOMEONE TO WATCH THEN AND THAT CUTE LITTLE ONE INSISTED ON SCREAMING OR CRYING THE ENTIRE TIME!

    Reply
  16. Amy Schulman

    Jenny, Laugh out loud funny! So perfectly conveys why these experiences feel more like car maintenance than spa care. Keep it up! Amy

    Reply
  17. Hilarious! Do they all go to the same school? I just wish they can find a way to scrub my feet without cracking me up and making we squirm.

    Hilarious! Do they all go to the same school? I just wish they can find a way to scrub my feet without cracking me up and making we squirm.

    Reply

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