Ninety is the New Eighty | Jenny from the Blog

It’s hard to look younger when you keep getting older.

elderly ladies
They say forty is the new thirty, and thirty is the new twenty. The problem with everything being “the new”something is that it gives people (and by “People” I mean me)  less chance to look young for their age. Frankly, I feel about twenty most of the time, which I guess is the new ten. However, when I attempt to run up a flight of stairs or decipher the hieroglyphic message in the spider veins  on my legs,  I’m reminded that I’m not twenty anymore.

Remember that “hot you” that made heads turn? You know, before those heads were too busy sneering at one of your children flailing and screaming on the floor of Whole Foods, Target, the movies… insert crowded public place here? That’s the you I want to be. Well, the me I want you to be. Oh, you know what I mean.

It all starts with heavy drinking. I’m told I need 32 oz’s of water, a cup of pomegranate juice, a shot of Mona Vie, some cayenne pepper lemonade, and 27 glasses of green tea, all before noon. After five small meals and a sensible dinner, I must row myself into the bathroom and pee for 18 minutes… straight. Then I am required to slap on anti-aging creams with neo-mono-peptides, glycolic-amino-acids, Agent Orange, and Soylent Green. Each product is guaranteed to include the strongest ingredients known to man, and assures me that I will look 25 years younger (regardless of my current age.) This will make me look 10…so I’m right on track.

When we used to say, “We’d rather stick needles in our eyes,” who knew we meant it?  There is a crease in the middle of my brow screaming for Botox; it makes me appear constantly pensive and worried. Oh yeah, and also… old.

I have a friend who, after getting Botox on that very spot, encountered the phenomenon I call the “Evil Eyebrow.” This occurred when the crease and area above the brow was frozen; whenever she tried to squint, worry, or ask a question her eyebrows arched as if she was plotting some diabolical plan. Being the good friend that I am, every time I saw her “Evil Eyebrow,” I would say “Mwaaahahaa” and curl the edge of my imaginary handlebar mustache.

The fix was for her to get more Botox above her eyebrows. However, she’d then risk acquiring what I call “Frozen Forehead.” I recently had a conversation with a “Frozen Forehead.” It’s owner was telling me she was worried about her son going to a new school. However, her forehead was telling me that she was totally relaxed about it, and maybe even mildly comatose. Liar, you don’t even care about your kid, I thought. Then I kicked her in the shin and ran away. I turned back in regret, but she was expressionless. “Phew,” awkward moment avoided.

The truth is, it would be better if everything was still the old “whatever it was.” I wouldn’t have to buy purple to be wearing the new black this fall. My semi-youthful glow would seem rare and enviable, and teenagers would say if I was the babysitter, rather than call me Ma’am. I could go on for hours, but my hands are starting to cramp and I’m running late for a Bunko game. See you in the waiting room.

23 thoughts on “Ninety is the New Eighty | Jenny from the Blog

  1. Katybeth

    I often think…I wish I could be the me I didn’t use to think looked good.
    Not all Bortox is created equal and I do have a few friends that have used it with great results….considering…I have a hard time with 2 glasses of water a day so it might be my only option.

    Meet you at Bunko….

    Kb

    Reply
  2. Lola

    Hey Jenny,
    After considering Botox very seriously, I have come to the conclusion that it is totally overrated. There’s something to be said about looking as if you are concentrating very hard (let’s call it the “I care deeply” look) and being able to go completely brain dead at the same time. My kids still haven’t caught on. They are positive that I am listening to them talk about how deprived they are because I wont buy them “Grand Theft Auto”, or how kid #1 hit kid #3 and kid#2 started it all. Blah blah blah. I haven’t heard a word they’ve said for years, but my permanently furrowed brow will never betray me.

    Reply
  3. T

    Those Old Navy mannequins….real live people. Old Navy raids nursing homes…fills the oldsters with botox…voila – free talent for commercials. No really – it’s true.

    Reply
  4. Bari

    I’ve read, a la Vogue mag, that 60 is the new 30. That sounds great for me but there is a catch. You have to spend the rest of your life going from Botox, to Thermage, to Latisse, to Althera, to Life time lifts, to Radiesse, to Juvederm, to nose jobs and eye surgeries, to boob an butt lifts, to you know what surgeries (just to make it look prettier) like someone’s a actually gonna take a picture there at my age! Personally, I rather be 60 and have lots of time for tennis and golf.

    Reply
  5. Tara

    Too funny. Jenny, I love your lifesize tattoo idea, where do you come up with this stuff? I think it could seriously catch on.

    Reply
  6. Marci

    I think I have 10 years on most of you guys. Here’s the thing about the tattoos. I have a friend who at 50 -increased her workout ethic to way beyond uber-she now has a 6 pack stomach. She got a tattoo on the 6 pack and pierced her naval. How do I know this? She parades it at the gym and running on the street. The good news is my 16 year old is cured from wanting piercings and tattoos. No matter how much you bolster up body parts, the skin still wants to follow gravity. Like botox it just looks odd.

    Reply
  7. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    Proud to be a “Formerly” ~ (check out formerlyhot.com – not quite as funny as you, but funny.)

    Reply
  8. nancy

    the list just gets longer with every decade, every year, every day- age spots, bags under the eyes, crepey skin, sagging knees- geez, who woulda thunk it’d ever come to this? Nonetheless, somehow I am still believing in my immortality.

    Reply
  9. rachy

    So, Jenny, I’m with Bari! I’d rather have the time for what I love to do. No Botox for me!

    I believe in good care: exfoliating and moisturising, what I do every day anyway. Also, I keep active: walking, bike riding, hiking, gardening, etc. Just the fun activities.

    And I love my web cam … it takes 10 to 15 yrs. off, I swear. In my facebook pics, I don’t think I look like the 50-something that greets me in the bathroom mirror each morning!

    All that keeps me fairly healthy and happy. I’d rather be a happy 60-yr. old with some wear and tear than “perfect” with a frozen face and too many hours lost to vanity!

    Reply
  10. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    Thinking of you and this blog on my way into work this morning. I’m gettting REALLY tired of trying to look younger. As if younger = better. Tired of the serums, the camouflage, the regimes. So much time and money wasted on the effort. (But I admit curiosity in Bari’s butt lift!) xo, K.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      If we could all just agree to let ourselves age with no help it would be fine, but then again there are always people younger to compete with. Sorry to cut it short, I’m off to Sephora again.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge