Everyone Farts: Even Moms

I live in a house of extremely competitive people.  We have family races to bed and guitar hero rock-offs complete with behind the head Hendrix style antics.  My son at 5 was using phrases like, “I’m gonna crush you” and “you just got schooled.”

The latest thing in my house is family superlatives.  You know like, “Most likely to make their bed” or “Best looking in a Barbie wig,” (thankfully my daughter won that one).  My son is doling out the titles and my little girl wants in on the good ones.  Each day she asks me to think of things she can be the best at, because Jake already has throwing, catching, guitar hero, whistling, streaking and tying his shoes.

So, I gave her “Noise Making” and “Underwear Putting On.”  Listen, this has been going on for a week or two, we’re well past “Most Spirited,” and “Best Smile” I’m running out of accolades… I’ve even managed to assign “Biggest Flirt.”

Last night at dinner, while giving themselves some big ones like “Artistic Ability,” “Most likely to be President,” and “Best Imagination,” I hear, “Hey Mommy do you know what you’re the best at?”

Finally, I’m in. “What?” I replied excitedly.  “Is it best dressed?”
“Best Cook?”
Pause, small snicker… “Nope.”
No pause, big snicker as if to say ‘As if’… “Nuh-uh”
“Singing, accents…laundry?” at this point I’ll take anything.

Ryan: Farting
Anything but that.
Jake:  No Daddy wins “Best Farter.”
Ryan:  No Mommy doe

Am I really listening to this debate?

Jake:  Yeah you’re right, Mommy’s are super stinky.

Thanks a lot, first born… what if I crumbled that fast while in labor with you for 17 hours????

Ryan:  But at least Mommy rolls down the window.

It’s true, I’m nothing if not a courteous farter… Maybe we could turn this into “Most Thoughtful,” hmmm?

Mark:  Mommy’s good, but I think I’m better.
Me:  Now hold on just one second. I said we’re competitive right? I think the kids may be right babe, I am the best farter.  Look, you take what you can get.

It’s so funny, because when I first met my hubby we were void of any disgusting, smelly, or loud bodily function; holding such ugliness in to the point of stomach aches.  If someone told me that one day we would be fighting over the title of “Best Farter,” which was to be bestowed upon us by our 2 kids, I would have thought that ridiculous.  Now I’d just fart and walk away.

If you know any Mommies that need to read this story… I know a few myself, feel free to share it.  Much love to all the Moms; we’re still sexy we just may not always smell that way.


Any titles your kids would bestow upon you… much to your dismay?


By day I’m a lifestyle expert, by night I enter farting contests- just kidding – I do this blog.  It’s gaining steam, so if you like it please take a sec to share it and check out the right side for RSS, bookmark, email, and newsletter sign-ups.  Sooo appreciated, if I can grow this thing I can stop being so smelly, I mean, oh forget it.  JUST SIGN UP!


-Jenny From the Blog

21 thoughts on “Everyone Farts: Even Moms

  1. Leigh Ann

    Ha! “I am nothing if not a courteous farter.” I remember when my mom would fart in the car on her way home from dinner or something, and I would think “I will NEVER do that.” Um, yeah. Things change.

  2. Grumpy

    Told my husband I’d never ever fart in front of him. Now, he reminds me of it every single time I fart. I have to say, tho, I enjoy my farts. I also enjoy reading your blogs. Great stuff 🙂

  3. lola

    I am absolutely hands down the best “Bathroom stinker upper”. I tell the boys it’s because I eat so HEALTHY! The healthier the food that goes in? The worse it smells on the way out. Of course, I don’t know if that’s true or not. I made it up. Otherwise I have no good reason for creating such stench. I can’t believe I’m discussing my bowels on your blog. Next, do you want to hear about my vagina?

  4. Jennifer

    You are too funny. A friend sent me the link and I will pass it on to a friend too. Thanks Jenny from the blog!

  5. Shareen

    When my kids smell a stinky one and try to blame me I tell them “remember I already told you, mine smell like chocolate dipped strawberries!” At least the baby still believes me.

  6. Barry

    I can’t believe this article. I didn’t think my perfect,feminim, sophisticated , dainty daughter could even relate to this topic. All these years you’ve been saying you were “sliding across the floor”” go figure!!!0

  7. Logan

    You ladies have no shame… and I like it. I mean hello? What’s will all the secrets about bodily functions???

  8. rachy

    I guess congrats are in order on this prestigious award, bestowed upon you by your very offspring!

    Coming from a family where one did not acknowledge that people fart and certainly would never mention the word fart in conversation, your story is just plain funny! I’d love to heard it live when your kids were arguing over which parent is the best farter. While I must say I did emit them when my kids were growing up, of course I’d never admit to them! And my boys never said anything, just suffering the odors in silence.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I think it has something to do with being Jewish. We’re big bathroom people we use them a lot and truly enjoy bathroom humor, and games… like a hotbox AkA dutch oven. You probably have no clue what these words are Rachy and I think you’re a better person for it.

  9. anne

    Well some time ago we were all playing a game and i said to my son – “well the youngest person starts so that must be you and then the oldest and wisest person go next so then that must be me”, which made my daugther reply, “no You can be “oldest” then Ill take “wisest” and dad can be “and”….”


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