Men Can’t FInd A Thing Which is Why They Need Crotch Radar

Below, is a story that started on my Facebook Fan Page this week. Frankly, I’m not sure how it went where it did or how we all sunk to this level, but we did … and it was fun.

man can't find things

Thursday is my free morning – by that I mean my husband works from home — and because he loves me — he makes the kids’ lunches and breakfast, so that I can get an extra hour of sleep. However, it never quite works out that way… He often wakes me to ask what the kids eat (though he’s been doing this every thursday for years), or what fruit to serve with breakfast or something like this …

Mark: We don’t have any bread, what should I make the kids for lunch?

Me, groggy and annoyed to be asked this question: Yes, we do have bread, so make a sandwich.

Mark: No we don’t, I looked.

Me: Well, we did last night and I bet it’s not gone. Are you gonna make me get up to show you.

Mark: Yeah, I am because it’s not there.

Me, sluggishly rising: Did you not read my column yesterday? It was about this exact thing.

Mark: Running out of bread?

Me: No, not knowing where anything is and insisting it’s not there.

Mark, as we both hit the pantry with and air of, Oh you’ll see woman: Really, there’s bread huh?

Me, looking on the shelf it’s normally on and then doing something insane and unheard of – turning sideways to look at a different shelf: Um, yeah … really *grabs elusive bread and pops him in the stomach with it*

Yes, that was the first tale and in response, one of my readers suggested that if you want a man to find something, glue boobs to it…  which by the way is much harder to do than it sounds. Actually, it’s as hard as it sounds.  And another fan said she calls a woman’s ability to find anything a UTD (Uterus Tracking Device), which I kinda love! I enjoy when something so simple explains so much.

Which is why this happened the next day, when my husband asked if I’d seen the remote: I walked around beeping and pelvic thrusted the direction of the clicker.

Mark: WTF are you doing?

Me: I’m using my UTD.

Yes, from now on, if he doesn’t know where something is, I will be using my vagina area to point in the right direction. I’ve been thinking that area hasn’t been pulling it weight lately, anyway. Plus, it could be a fun game.

“Follow my vagina, it always knows…” no, um

“The place to watch is always my crotch” no, too uncouth?

“In a jam, follow the clam” …

“Trying to lookie check with my pants Wookie” (that one even grossed me out)…

Listen, it’s a work in progress, but I think it’s a solid plan. Though I am accepting slogans…

BTW: Here are some of the slogans I’ve got from my sick and twisted FB Fans, seriously — brings a tear to my eye:

Jamie F. – On the hunt…lol

Mara – Follow my clit if you want to find it…

Jamie K. – My vajayjay can show you the way

Rick B. – I’ve got your theme song. From Frampton Comes Alive. I want U (terus), to show me the way………..

Michelle S. – Nothing is to tuff for the muff.

Jane B. – Let the fanjo find the banjo.

JOIN MY SICK FANS

 

Well, will you go there? Got any suggestions?

19 thoughts on “Men Can’t FInd A Thing Which is Why They Need Crotch Radar

  1. Kary B.

    “Men Can’t Find A Thing Which is Why They Need Crotch Radar”

    entry:
    ~Don’t be such a wussie. Who can find it? It’s the pu**y

    Reply
      1. Susan Gardy

        I believe Roseann (Barr,Arnold, whatever) was the one to start calling the uterus a tracking device.She actually was pretty funny as a comedian.Just thought credit should be given where due.

        Reply
  2. Woman_on_Pause

    Stuck? In a rut, have no fear it’s in the bag. Consult my vag.

    Technically doesn’t rhyme, but if you put in a cool early 90’s song before it, GOLD.

    My suggestion for the song is PM Dawn, “I’d Die without you(r stuff finding Uterus)
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    Reply
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  4. Jennifer

    I don’t have a clever poem for your crotch radar, though I wish I did. But when my husband is ‘looking’ for something and is unable, due to his being a male and all, to find it, I ask him if he was “mooking”…man-looking.
    It is now a word constantly used in our house…

    In the 1 in a million times when I can’t find something or am just too darn tired to actually look, I pull the ‘mooking’ card out and use it. But when I do it, again, 1 in a million times, I never seem to hear the end of it…men.

    Reply
  5. Stacey

    Holy mackerel! That was funny and just the laugh I needed at the end of the day. My mom has a term for this problem for men – it’s called “front-shelfitis” – if it’s not sitting right in front of them on the shelf, they will not see it! (Wait, what? You can move stuff in the pantry and frig? No way!)
    My children seem to have this same problem especially with shoes for some reason. They can NEVER find them even though I made one of those nifty Pinterest front hall shoe bin/backpack hook areas. However, the shoes never seem to be there. Yet, mom usually knows what random location they have landed in the house – every morning!

    Reply
  6. Laurie

    It is truly remarkable how men can’t find something right under their nose. There must be something genetic about it, it happens too often to too many couples. Are women just more detail-oriented and men trained only to see the “big picture?” Since caveman days, have men grunted for women to find their spears and clubs?
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