Why Are Men Such Babies?

For 4 days I have been sick.  Nothing crazy, just the usual sore throat in the morning, coughing, fatigue kind of thing.  Yet in those four days, the world miraculously kept spinning, my children’s schedules did not disappear, nor did mine.  They made it to school, and to baseball, and the Doctor.  They did not suffer from starvation because I decided to forgo grocery shopping, making them breakfast, or packing their lunches, so that I could lie around and do something trivial, like recuperate.

Last night I happily turned out the lights at 11PM, hoping to make up for that 4hour “nap” I had the night before.  At midnight my dog Buddy, pacing and panting like a sex caller, sent me out like a shot for his first pee break of the evening.  At 1AM my son ran in soaking wet, exclaiming, “I think I sweated too much.”  Unable to peel myself up, I let his little naked tush into my bed where he continued to whine for about an hour straight.  “Mommy, I neeeeeeeeeed pants.”  “I’ll get you pants,” and let our heavy breather out for the 2nd time.  “Mommy, I neeeed my favorite pillow.” “I’ll get your favorite pillow” and give our letchy dog a bowl of water.  By 3AM Jake had tried 12 different positions.  Including the one where you go all the way under the covers to the end of the bed and push until you fall to the floor taking the comforter with you.  He complained about 20 different things, from being upset that I had to remake the bed after he fell out of it, to having an actual dislike for color of my sheets.  “They’re white.”

In the midst of this chaos, my husband was completely oblivious during those last few hours.  Some could argue that this has been the case for the last 9 years.
He was sleeping with his body pillow, the one he stole from me in the 3rd trimester of my 1st pregnancy.  It has been our small person sized bedmate ever since.  A bedmate that he shoves in his crotch and smothers between his knees. Well, better the pillow than me.  He had 2 more pillows over his head and was taking up 73% of the bed.  He had built and Iron clad barricade which my son could not penetrate or budge.  Jake and I were so snug I’d have to rebirth him to get him to school.  Finally , I gave up and wooed him back into his room by promising to make him a fort, “just like Daddy’s.”  Of course I had to remake his bed first, as the sweat had an uncanny resemblance to pee.  I got back into bed around 4 AM, after reading my dog a story and letting my son out.  Wait, scratch that and reverse it.

By 4:45 my son was back in the womb.  “Mom, can I be your snuggle bunny?”  For how many years will I get to hear that?  At 5AM my daughter was squeezing in on the other side of me.  We laid there like a hermetically sealed package of sausages, my arm coyoteed under Ryan’s head.  Then she started complaining.  “Its too hot with this blanket.  Mom my PJ’s hurt.  Mom I hate the color of your sheets.”  Somehow, 6:30 managed to roll around.

I banged on  my husbands fort with the door knocker he installed.  Bang…Bang…Bang.  “Please get the kids ready for school.  I was up all night.”  Mark is a morning person so I imagined it would be no big deal.  “Grumble grumble… no.”  “What do you mean you won’t help me?”  “Grunt, I’m sick, my throat is killing me.  Besides, I was up too.”  “What kept you up?  Was it the sound of your snoring?  Or maybe the pillow over your head wasn’t soft enough.”  “I just can’t I’m too sick.”  My husband’s cold might as well be the plague, as the Earth has halted on it’s axis.
It would take a hemorrhaging artery to get him to the Doctor, excuse me the clinic, as he has never officially acquired a Doctor.  But, why go?  It’s easier to lay around and tease my children with his untouchable presence.  He’ll spend his day creating an impressive mound of snotty tissues, large enough to pitch off of.  Tissues which he is too sick to bend down and pick up, however he is not too sick to work, or to make sure to keep up with his fantasy football team.
He’ll refuse to use sanitizer, and sluggishly mosey around the house, putting his grubby, germy hands in every bag of chips, touching every door knob and remote, and talking on every phone.  He may even lick the straws on the juice boxes for good measure.  All in a effort to ensure that as soon as he gets better, both my children will surely contract his illness and I will have no shot at personal recovery.

Now I should Mommy him, which in my bitter and sick state, I cannot even feign an attempt.  Listen, if I wanted another child I would adopt one from Indonesia.  If you need to be babied, call your Mom.  Better yet, go stay with her.  I don’t ask that my sickness or lack of sleep take precedence over yours.  I just ask that you go to a hotel until your’s passes.”

27 thoughts on “Why Are Men Such Babies?

  1. melissa

    you’d have to rebirth him to go to school…HILARIOUS. yet…sadly, so familiar. the one i’m still giving birth to on a morning-ly basis is almost 5. and now…i have no faith that this will be outgrown. oh woe is me!!

    Reply
  2. Cherie

    I couldn’t stop laughing. I could picture the entire scenario. It’s strange how men develop this I can’t function because I am sick syndrome. I think it comes from their mother’s babying them too much when they were still living at home. You notice I didn’t say when they were young. Oh well, we women just have to keeping plugging away no matter what.

    Reply
  3. Denee King

    Ohhhhh….thoe sweet times when our little ones wander into our rooms in the middle of the night and ask to sleep in our beds…..I miss those days….wait – NO I DON’T!!!! Hang in there girlfriend – before you turn around you’ll be inventing alter-egos to occupy the void.
    As for the hubby …….I might suggest NOT watching any of those ‘unsolved crime’ stories right now – you seem vulnerable and might be prone to reinacting them – especially if you are heavily medicated….at which point, with a good attorney….nevermind. Grin and bear…grin and bear. 🙂

    Good times – Denée http://www.shejustgotmarried.com

    Reply
  4. Rachael

    i am f**king hysterical that i may have just peed in my pants! the sad part is that it is sooooo true. How is it that you are able to make this horrible situation that clearly occurs in all hetero relationships…soo funny????? Why is it that if i were to discuss this issue i would be getting angrier by the minute….
    Jenny…i think from this moment on i may jot you an email every time my husband does something i dont like so you can shoot an email back to me “in your words”…which in turn will help me get along better with the husband and then we can give up on therapy…..WOW…ingeniuos…you just saved me thousands! ****Note to readers…i am quite sure this happens in same sex relationships too…i was only trying to make a point*****

    Reply
  5. Wilern

    As a guy I may be a perfect example of this article. This morning, I woke up feeling crummy and canceled my entire day. I did have a lite lunch and guess I can find enough energy to eat dinner, both at home. You’re a little “Picky, Picky, Picky”. Your evening with the kids husband and dog sound like a great ” bonding experience”. Lucky for me, it was yours. Love you writing.

    Reply
  6. PVD

    OMG-does he really use a body pillow??????….
    and the part about having to rebirth jake—i am laughing out loud! and the door knocker on the fort…..:) SO TRUE AND FUNNY!!!!!! keep going…….:)

    Reply
  7. Bari

    Jenny,

    Thanks for speaking the truth!!!! Women everywhere should unite and help each other when we’re ill. It’s obviously the only way we’ll get better and get get some sleep. I always thought daddys were supposed to help. I guess that was just the fairytale part.

    Keep the faith sista!

    Bari

    Reply
  8. rachy

    Another great tale of the joys of family life. Being more than a few years older, I can say that somewhere betwee 4 and 14, the little boys stop coming to your bed in the middle of the night. Going away to college is the sure-fire cure for night visits! But whatever age the boys are, if the woman of the house is sick, don’t expect any male in the household to feed himself (unless you give them money to order in a pizza!).

    Reply
  9. Barry

    Apparently my wife read the book ” Trading Husbands For Dummies”. I’m trained to do everything when she’s sick. She won’t allow me a full body pillow ( I haven’t asked yet ) and won’t because it was tough enough to get my “chin pillow” accepted. By the way, these articles will eventually make Mark housebound, he won’t be able to face the public. Very funny.

    Reply
  10. Stephanie

    This was the funniest ting I ever read! I was laughing so hard! Brian is not that much of a baby when he is sick, it was describing the night with children when they get out of bed. Brian may not be a baby, but he is clueless to the kids comings and goings in the night.

    Reply
  11. Caroline

    Holy cow! For any mother with children and a husband, how true this rings! Been there, done that — for sure. My kids are teens now though, so they don’t keep me up, but when my boyfriend gets sick … the second part of your entry applies almost to the letter. I think us women are telepathically connected on many levels, because you obviously hit the nail on the head. Too funny!

    Reply
  12. Natalia

    you put up with too much. put him in his place!! he has no right to take advantage of you like that. and maybe your kids shouldn’t be so dependent on you, depending on their age (although i don’t know anything about raising kids, so i may be very wrong).

    Reply
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  14. Natalie

    Men are just little boys in bigger bodies. They never grow up. Ever. Google “man sick” for a good laugh. All the best (with deepest sympathy).

    Reply
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  20. Jeanne

    seriously?? Part of this “woe is me chapter of your life” is your own fault…

    I dont see how we (you, really) subject yourself to (2) kids that sound old enough to deal with some of these issues…snuggling is one thing- consistently making a ruckus at that time in the morning and on a school nite? um- no. Making forts at 4-whatever am… Hey, its your perogative, but totally over compensating…

    the husband being a whiner? there are men that BUCK up and Men that suck up… I prefer the men that suck up all the while, I love to take care of my man…not s-mother…take care of…

    sole parent of one
    (blessed are those that have a husband).

    Reply
  21. Jeanne

    Disclaimer: I retract any statement that refers to your kids taking care of themselves as I see your daughter is just 3…

    not sure how old your boy is …but, still for my son…it was NO shenanigans on a school nite.

    Reply
  22. Rachel

    Oh my gosh!!! I laughed so hard at this because it is soooooo true. You described my husbands sleeping position, including pillows, EXACTLY! AND the kids. The newest way I have found to sleep through the night is to let my dog sleep on my bed before he does and we hog the whole thing…in turn..he sleeps on the couch and the kids wake him up when they need something. And since he has been home lately…he “catches up on sleep” or has a “splitting” headache so that he can stay on the couch all day!!!

    Reply
  23. Rachel

    Maybe I am late in commenting on this but Jeanne…you are the whiner here. Those of us with husbands laugh at these things while we read and write them…I did not take it as “woe is me” at all. Stop being so sour.

    Reply

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