Minutia Mom -The World’s Awesomest Superhero

 

Minutia Mom- The World's Awesomest SuperheroIt has recently dawned on me that somewhere along the way, my sense of accomplishment became a product of my ability to be a good homemaker.  The creative energies I once used to design jewelry and dress celebs are now spent trying to build intricate forts and streamline the laundry process.  For instance, I’ve found that by rolling towels one can save considerable folding time, while providing the added benefit of a spa-like appearance.

When did this happen?  When did I accept the job as Master of the Mundane?  I remember the ad, it read:  Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex to employer.  Person will be overworked and underappreciated.  It is preferred that you have no prior experience or references.  Always on duty.  Will pay nothing.

Not only did I take the job, I thoroughly enjoy it and happen to be damn good at it.  Let’s face it, I’m a superhero… the lamest superhero on Earth.   Able to clean an explosive diapie with a single wipe: It’s a wet-vac, it’s Mr. Clean… nope it’s me: Minutia Mom!

I can picture it now; my costume would be covered with stickers that were put on me without my knowledge.  It would be stained with chocolate or some other gooey substance that I’d have to taste to place.  It would be fashionable, but about 6 months outdated, as I have about 1hr per evening to catch up on my backlog of magazines, TiVo, and the NY Post crossword.  (Those I do to keep my rapidly deteriorating brain sharp.  Sadly, I am no longer smart enough for the Times.)

I would walk the streets in my costume –my freshly laundered cape in tow– looking for housekeeping and child rearing injustices.  “Excuse me Ma’am, but it would behoove you to consolidate the darks with the lights and wash them together on cold.  It would save you both time and money, not to mention conserves H2O.  “Pardon me Sir, but if you let that tantrum run its course, you’ll get a far better result in the long run.”   Maybe going public would bring me the admiration I so unabashedly seek.  I have found there is nothing people enjoy more than unsolicited criticism and advice; especially on how to run their household and raise their children.

I am always flexing my supermuscles around my house.  I start by asking my husband to do some routine chore like putting the dishes in the dishwasher.  A fitting task considering he seems to think they wash themselves.  I know this because when he does me the courtesy of taking a glass or dish from the table, he places it on the counter ever so close to the sink.   But he is unable to actually make it in.  Clearly, this is due to the force field I  installed around the basin.  If he penetrates the force field, he never washes the food off the plate into that hole in the sink, for fear that the monster that lives there may bite off a finger.

“Honey, I’ve only trained the dishes to jump into the sink from where you leave them.  For a more thorough cleaning, we humans must step in.  Don’t worry the monster in the hole only bites if you shove your hand in its mouth.”  Then I watch him staring into the dishwasher, and wait, knowing he will soon fail at this task, miserably.  He’s ½ way through and … here it comes… wait for it…10-9-8-… “I can’t get it all in, it’s too full.  You’ll have to run it a second time.”  He says this with enough confidence to imply that a single shrimp fork and the thing’s gonna blow.

“Second time?  Like hell I will.  Have no fear, kind Sir.”  I say, as I bounce off the sofa and spring into action.  With my cape flapping behind me, I jump directly from my seat over the counter in a single bound.  I stand, hands firmly on hips, assessing the damage.  Then he looks at me oddly as if to ask, “Why is that towel tied around your neck, and why did you call me kind Sir?”  “Step aside,” I say as I hip bump him out of the way.  Like an expert Tetris player, I fit in every piece: with room for a Rachel Ashwell dinner party to spare.  Than, wagging my finger, I reprimand him for not taking the valves out of the sippy cups.

Though it is an interesting side effect, my goal is not to debase him.  My goal is to display the sheer magnitude of my powers and reiterate the amazing feats I perform on a daily basis.  I avert looming tantrums with my Mommy Mind negotiating skills.  My Bionic Child Carrying Arm vacuums so much dog hair, I could knit enough sweater to keep a  small village in Ethiopia  warm (okay, bad example.)  My point is, he should see this dishwasher phenomenon, rise from his butt, which I previously knocked him on with my child-bearing hips, and applaud me.  He should applaud my greatness, or at the very least, nod in my general direction.

Look, I don’t know him personally, but I can say with much confidence that Wonder Woman’s husband doesn’t come home from his accounting job, or whatever it is he does, and ask her to gas up the invisible jet and get take-out ‘cause he had a long day crunching numbers.

How then can my husband witness my awesomeness and still have the audacity to request some time to relax when he walks in the door?  What was the commute home, a business meeting?  You had an hour, it’s not my fault you didn’t use it wisely.  If I had a random free hour everyday, oh the things I could do.  I could listen to music that isn’t sung by Disney characters.  I could end world hunger.  Better yet, I could shower and moisturize in the same day.  Alas, I am on 24/7.

Who reads “Strawberry Shortcake Goes Apple Picking” 500 times at 9PM because the phrase “Now this is the last time.” has no real meaning?  Who flies into the room at 1AM on bad dream patrol?  Who uses Mommy Supersonic hearing to catch 6AM candy thievery?  Me, Minutia Mom, I’m a freakin’ superhero for G-ds sake.

My new career may not be as lucrative in pay or recognition as some of my other jobs, but there is reward in altruistic work and a cheap thrill in seeing my husband screw up.  Hmmm, tonight I think I’ll ask him to fold some laundry.

22 thoughts on “Minutia Mom -The World’s Awesomest Superhero

  1. Kim

    Bravo, Bravo, Bravo, to all of us ‘Super Moms’. Finally someone has put down for all to see what we do. In reading over this article (that should be posted on the front page of every newspaper, everywhere), I hope that we can all find comfort in the fact we are truly not alone out there. That we are part of the countless, masses that make up the mommies of the world. We can now unite in our everyday task that make us the Super Heros to our families. So to all of us ‘Super Moms’ I once again say Bravo!

    Reply
  2. nancy schutt

    I’ve been a fan long enough that i am aware that you are a recycler, as well as a super hero. Super writer too. Some things are even better the second time around. Would love to hear about your former life dressing celebs.

    Reply
  3. Jamie

    I overheard my Emilee tell some man that her Mom works but doesn’t get paid! Damn right! But, its the best job ever – I just forget a lot! Thanks for reminding me. Loved it, Jenny.

    Reply
  4. Bari

    I can see you flying into action now.
    Zipping across the skies er, ceilings of your home saving children and dishes everywhere. What, your man won’t listen… maybe he needs a spanking. I bet he’d appreciate your supertalents after that!

    Reply
  5. rachy

    well, yes, it takes a kind of superhero to juggle everything around the house. and, somehow, using your superpowers, you stop the rotation of the earh — and time itself — just long enough to write your blog, after reflecting on a wonderfully hectic life!

    and of course, every man needs to “relax” when they get home (hmmm, i’ve think i’ve heard that somewhere….but where????). and of course, he takes a limited roll in cleaning the dishes, because he knows you have a system, a way of doing it, and he’d never want to upset you by doing something that would mess up your system, so, of course he concludes, less is better…..just leave the dish near the rim, or even on the table. men don’t want to “get in the way” or “mess things up” — you know that!

    btw…i do miss story time. a favorite was “the hungry caterpillar” who was always hungry and then got big. now my oldest is 230 lbs, 6′-2″ — he got big and he’s still always hungry!!

    Reply
    1. admin Post author

      Oh, Rachy sounds like he took the Hungry Caterpillar to heart, speaking of which, we know it by heart around here. Lady T, we may have the same dictionary! Thanks Cherrye I agree that watching your husband screw something up can really add to your day!

      Reply
  6. Insanitykim

    I should re edit my post and add you as a superhero person I also pretend to be! I already had the pink stripe put in my hair and bought double-sided sticky tape, BTW…

    Reply
  7. The Business Coach for Moms

    I too am Minutia Mom and my talent is my minutia vocabulary! “stop”, “leave that alone”, “why did you do that”, “please don’t do that”, “STOP IT please”, “no”, “I’m not going to say it again”, “I said Stop it”.
    I can go through an entire day with 5 children and nothing but those phrases on my lips and still hold the universe together! Yeah baby!

    I don’t run into problems until I engage in conversations with an adults, read a book or try to do one of my other jobs WHICH INCLUDES PUBLIC SPEAKING!!

    Reply
  8. Gift for mom

    Ladies, this is coming from a guy. I loved it! I think that parents are superheroes. However, moms are much better than dads. Unfortunately, I don’t think that the children and the spouse recognize and value how much the other parent does to keep everybody happy. I would love to see this article printed in men’s magazines just to see their reaction. I believe in what you are saying to the point that I have devoted much of my past three years and much of my money promoting supermoms and superdads. I created a business to honor and recognize your sacrifices. If you want to see how visit my website capellacollection.com

    Reply
  9. Frina Frince

    YEARS ago (when my kids were still little) I was informed by my not so super hero sidekick that I basically did nothing each day.
    One day, I wrote down every little thing that I did – every diaper I changed, every nose I wiped, every dish I watched, every book I read, I song I sang along with….
    I passed it (about 2 notebook pages front and back) along to the sidekick saying “Here’s a list of nothing I did today”…
    Made a pretty big impact on him. And when mom’s are feeling less than Super Hero-ish, it would probably help them too. To see what you are doing for your child, with your child and what you are doing to influence them into being tremendous adults will make a big impact on you too.
    As I said, my kids aren’t little anymore (14 & 15 now) and looking back, some of the times that seemed the craziest, when you felt least yourself, you realize were when you were at your best and your happiest.
    On a side note – do we really have to iron those capes????

    Reply
  10. Petula

    Thumbs up! Love your writing … I don’t think I want to be a superhero mom anymore – leaping hefty mounds of laundry that are never completed, stopping dripping juice in its tracks and finding lost toys & blankies or yelling about them. It’s all too much. 🙂

    Reply
  11. Tara

    Another winner Jenny! Can’t imagine any mom who can’t relate lol. The retirement plan does have it’s perks though. I can’t wait to give my grandchildren a 1-gallon tub of peanut butter ROFL.

    Reply
  12. Lynne

    I encourage everyone to give their mom’s a “Pat on the Back” and if you don’t get one…do what I do and wear it myself!
    http://www.theflyingheart.com
    They designed the image so we could give it to ourselves. While experiencing a stomach virus of sorts, this weekend, I realized that my margin of supporters was narrow. My mom who lives in another state would not hear me. Had she been able to, she would have been there in a heart beat. My husband needed to sleep as he worked in the morning and my 13 year old…well let’s just say the dog had more sympathy for me. We are designed by nature to take it on the chin but encouraged to encourage each other to take a moment to just “be”…and then get a “Pat on the Back from ourselves. Well done to me!
    No need for diamonds or foo foo stuff (which would be welcomed) just a fine Pat on the Back for making through another blessed day!

    Reply
  13. AnnMarie

    LOVE IT!!! As a fellow Minutia Mom, I can say that the mind creatures that attack my home and infiltrate the mind of my 5-year-old, two dogs and hubby at times cause the sword of common sense to come out often to kill those nasty beasts!! Then, and only then, will they come back to life and be the perfect “Beaver Cleaver” clan I have worked so hard to create!! LOL

    In my blog, I wrote about supermoms and the perception that balancing work and motherhood is a terrible thing to be avoided at all costs. I loved Campbell Brown’s comments about becoming “supermom” and trying to balance it all. In your case, you are discussing the powers that come with exclusivity of being a full-tme mom, which I love and respect greatly.

    There are some who feel playing career person and mother should be avoided at all costs. I happen to live in that world – full time sales and full time mother. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, there are days I wish I could quit my job and be just supermom as a full-time parent only. But, thank God, I am learning to embrace both sides of my identity and now love to wear my cape proudly to those who put folks like me down! (and even folks like you who love being mom and can do it full time)

    Keep it up, great article!!

    Reply
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