10 Things I Wanted to do with My Life and Clearly Never Will

It’s my birthday.  Yes, I know “Happy to Me” and all, I’m not feeling so happy.  Actually, I kinda want to be serious for a minute.  It is Friday the 13th ohhhhhhh.  Respect.  I don’t know what that means ’cause I’m Jewish.  But here goes:
I – WILL – NEVER – BE – FAMOUS!!!!!!

Imagine stamping feet between each word.

What? I said I was going to be serious, not mature!

January 13th marks the first day of the last year in my 30‘s.  I know, I could have said that more succinctly – but you know what?  It’s my birthday, so I get to do what I want!

Most importantly, in this day filled with the logging of new wrinkles and the circling of new cellulite dimples that I will have to remove at 40, and assessing what I have not accomplished and what I will never accomplish.

Holy shit.  I will never be famous.  Look, you don’t have to have wanted to be a famous actress, writer, singer, talk show host… from the age of 3 to relate; you merely have to have wanted a certain success that looks less likely to occur as the years pass.  You have to get that urge to sob uncontrollably at the bleak outlook that is your professional or social future, but you should squelch such antics as you’re in the middle of a parent teacher meeting and you really should be paying attention. (wait, that’s just me.)

I was all prepped for fame.  At 5, I was singing outside of restaurants, attracting throngs of people who said things to my mother like, “Oy, you should take her to try out for Annie,” “My G-d that child can sing.” and “Miss, could you please move, you and your child are blocking the entrance.” Were they talent scouts whose opinions could’ve translated into the big bucks?

Probably not.

But they knew good deli and they loved a fatty corned beef on Rye, so that gives them credibility right?  I’m sure many talent execs know good deli, so really it’s quite the same thing.

If I were 5 today, I’d certainly be famous.  Someone would’ve YouTubed me and it would’ve gone viral and I would’ve been befriended by Usher and I would’ve made an inspirational movie called “Never Say Never.”

What, that happened to someone else?

See, it’s a clear case of bad timing.

Here are things I wanted so badly to do with my life that I clearly never will:
1.  Be a Part of  the Kings of Comedy tour
2.  Sing a Duet with Shawn Cassidy
3.  Replace Marie on the Donny and Marie Show
4.  Replace Jenny McCarthy on Remote Control
5.  Be on Broadway – Though I did get close, well close-ish.  Close-esque?
6.  Write a mega-popular sitcom about 3 families with inter-generational, interracial, and inter-sexually oriented characters.
7.  Be in a remake of Footloose
8.  Write an uber popular humor blog that gives me a level of fame that allows me to become a lifestyle expert who does silly segments on Access Hollywood and gets me a book deal and a pilot and a movie of the week and a perfume, duh.  Which I will call “Stinkin’ Rich.” (Every Ad Exec with tell you a fragrance that starts with “Stinkin'” is sure to be a success.)
9.  Write for SNL and then star on SNL and then write and star in a sitcom about an SNLesque show
10.  Be Mrs. Scott Biao.  No – Kirk Cameron.  No – Tom Cruise – whoa, scratch that,  Tom Cruise from All the Right Moves – better.  Ok, where was I?  Right marry Ben Affleck and Matt Damon at the same time or just sleep with them (at the same time). Marry Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (See Ben Affleck and Matt Damon).

Screw Each Other, Love Me!

Screw Joannie, Love Me!

Screw Marie, Love Me!

Oh, what’s the use, none of those things will EVER happen.

Well, there’s a chance at one of them, if I can just get a hold of Brad’s lawyers.

So, I’m a failure.  A failure.  I have truly failed at accomplishing my 10 ultimate goals and as there is a disturbing study in Forbes that says my chances are diminishing by the hour.

Maybe I’m just one of these:

Late bloomer – Person whose talents or capabilities are not visible to others until later than usual – in some cases only in old age.

Clearly we can’t all be late bloomers, so I’m going to assume that I fall into this category and then apologize to the 95% of you who do not, but kinda hope you do.

Here is a list of Late Bloomers I found.  I hope to be among them, but freakin’ soon, while I still have some line-less areas on my face and I could pass as, at the very least – a cougar.  Oh, and while I still have a chance with Justin Timberlake or Zach Efron.  Yes, I’m talking Troy Bolton people.

Bloomed Over 40:
Leslie Nielsen
Tommy Lee Jones
Willie Nelson
Peter Jackson
Steve Carell
Simon Cowell
Colonel Sanders
Rodney Dangerfield
Billy Bob Thornton
Barack Obama
Morgan Freeman
Jeff Foxworthy
George Lopez
Bonnie Raitt
Mother Theresa
Samuel L. Jackson
Ricky Gervais
Albert EInstein
Patrick Stewart
Bea Arthur

You see the women on this list, right? Mother Theresa, Bea Arthur, and Bonnie Raitt, ugh, so not what I was going for.  Which is why I’m going to have to mold my career after the amicable Jeff Foxworthy.

I feel hopeful!  I can do this!  I have to go and start my foray into over the hill, plus I wanna get started on my first book:  You Know You’re Jewish If…
1.  You’re mother is Jewish
2.  A mohel (moy-el) shows up at your house on the 8th day of life

How am I doing so far?  Funny shit right?  Fame, here I come!!!

59 thoughts on “10 Things I Wanted to do with My Life and Clearly Never Will

  1. Ivy

    a) Very funny!
    b) Happy birthday!
    c) Don’t give up! I’m 55 and still not giving up…. ugh … very Jewish, very cellulit-ish, getting older by the minute…..

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Ivy – I’ve had two very successful companies and the job I love most is writing, which is rarely successful, but I don’t give up. Actually, I usually do after I’ve succeeded, which is why I’ve been in the blogesphere for 4years. It’s my ultimate challenge and maybe just maybe I get get a space in the Kings of Comedy roster!

  2. Kat

    Get a grip! Just freakin embrace your impending 40s woman. We get funnier cause at that point we don’t give a shit. Funnier = famouser. Simple math.

  3. Bari

    Happy Birthday Jenny!!!! I know it might not have been on your fame list but you are the most successful step-daughter. So much so I’d like to drop the step out of it already! Look on the bright side, you are now as young as you’re ever going to be so suck it up and enjoy! Here’s to a hundred years till the bucket list. The journey’s the thing.

  4. alfred lives here

    Fun post, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY even on Friday the 13th.

    As someone who is also Jewish and has passed 40, I can say from experience that I too will never be famous, but I did finally tell my mother to shut the hell up (not in those exact words).

    Really… Tom Cruise? Shaun Cassidy? I was so about the other Hardy Boy, Parker Stevenson, and both the of the Dukes of Hazzard. Even the fake temporary replacement Dukes of Hazzard. Totally with you on Ben Affleck and Matt Damon though….

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      No, I was a fan of Parker too (even though he didn’t sing!) Look, this is not the LONG list I mean there was Leif Garret and Rob Lowe, oh he was hottttt! Let’s not forget Willie Ames (8 is enuf Willie, not bumbling Charles in Charge Willie) River Pheonix, Erik Estrada, Justin Timberlake… Look, I even had a thing for the youngest Osmond, Jimmy (the twirpy red head). I think the fact that I remember his name is sign of my creepy obsessive infatuation with male celebs starting at the ripe ol age of 6.

  5. cherie

    HAPPY B’DAY SWEETIE!!!! Look the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I’m still dreaming of being famous and being married to (a dead guy) Cary Grant, although until I found out the Rock Hudson was gay, I would have hopped into his bed anytime. But I digress, I still wish I could become famous or win the Lotto and be filthy rich so I don’t have to be famous and could help you become famous… Love ya, keep on wishing, but never give up trying…just remember you will always be “FAMOUS” in my eyes. (if that’s a consolation)

  6. Lola

    Fame is totally overrated. The paparazzi are a HUGE pain in the ass. Who needs to see photos of their cellulite splashed across every magazine in America? Not me. And the stories! Did she, didn’t she have work done? Really? Don’t you people have anything else to talk about? How about the economy? The end of the world is coming, don’t you need to pack? Of course, MY fame is small time. Like really small time. Smaller than local. Ok. It’s in my mind. But it’s STILL a huge inconvenience.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Ok Lola when we write our books ahem hem, you can let me do all the signings! Don’t worry, I’m used to bright flashing lights from my days in the “District” oh, you know the one.

  7. Alison

    Seriously…you had to write this! Now I am in the midst of a hysteria-driven, OCD, panic attack about my life and what I have not accomplished. Damn you girl…I could kill you but then again you make me laugh so hard I pee a little—or maybe that is because I am almost forty too…shit I am swirling down the drain. I gotta go get a drink and call my psychiatrist ASAP!!!!

    Happy Birthday Jenny…xoxo Alison

  8. Lori

    Happy Birthday! When you’re 70, you’re going to look back and think 39 is YOUNG so try to enjoy it! 🙂
    And OMG Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves… 🙂 Too bad he turned out to be a freak. Oh well, he still looks pretty good.

  9. Deb

    Have a fantabulous birthday. Life truly begins at 40!!! I’m almost 50, just started blogging and having the time of my life. Now if I could get Brad Pitt and Matt Damon into bed for a threesome my life would be complete!!!!!


  10. B

    Happy Birthday.
    You will see, life just gets better and better.
    You have spent the first part of your life trying to figure out who you are.
    Now you know who you are and you can just enjoy it!
    You’ve been looking for yourself and now you’ve found you. Not happy with what you see? Be the Change

  11. Patty Kay Mooney

    Whoa, Miss Jenny, you forgot about Betty White, who at the age of 90 (3 x YOUR age) is now getting more than her 15 minutes of fame. I had to scroll and scroll and scroll to get down here, past all kinds of comments. Isn’t that fame? You’re a famous blogger. (bloggette?) What’s to kavetch??? You’re not living in a third-world country with only a string around your waist like the Untouchables. You have access to a computer (obviously). You’re smart, you’re funny, your face has no lines in it. Remember, fame comes at a cost. Do you really want to be accosted by fans every time you go out to the grocery store? Do you really want to have to be made up, coiffed and wearing haute couture every time you go out for coffee? Count your blessings and have a happy birthday!

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I don’t know if famous writers get accosted by fans. Though if it took the form of them quoting your best written lines I think I’d be ok with that. Yes Pat, I am a famous blogger. A hugely famous blogger and that should be enough. That kind of fame takes hard work to keep up. Just so you know. People are constantly liking my comments and re-tweeting me, but I deal. I’m off to stalk Betty White.

  12. Zipporah Sandler

    Oy gevalt! If you’re feeling that at 39, imagine what will happen to me in a year when I hit 59? Happy birthday Jenny – as my oh-so-Jewish mother would have said…”better you than me.”

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I’m glad I could make you laugh. Mother Teresa has nothing on me, I do tons of good deeds. Today I cut this guy off while driving and when he gave me the finger, I smiled politely. WHy, why would I be so kind to someone who clearly has anger issues? Because I’m for peace and speeding. But mostly peace. SEEEE?

  13. Marsha

    Dearest Jenny, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!Love your shtick………..would hire you in
    a minute for comedy writing or stand-up! I love your blog- made my day! Marsha Wall

  14. heather

    That was great! Thanks for sharing and Happy Birthday! I just turned 40 as well. I write children’s books. I’m not famous either, but I am still going to try!

  15. Sherry

    I’m never going to own a Rolls Royce! But I did dance in the conga line on stage in FIve Guys Named Moe, so I did achieve my goal of being on Broadway! Also, I named my older son after the legendary theatre producer Alexander Cohen. I thought he was a litlte drama king until his little brother, Jonathan, came along six weeks ago!


  16. Sandi

    I turned 40 a few months ago and the atrophy is rapid — just to tell it like it is. I set a goal when I was 12 that I would publish a book by the time I was 18, like S.E. Hinton of “The Outsiders”, except that my book would have less fighting and more legwarmers. Guess what? Still hasn’t happened. But at least I have my sanity. Oh wait.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Anyone that wanted to write a book with a lot of leg warmers totally has all their wits about them in my book. I mean really, how many 50’sesque greaser v. Soc’s books do we need. You know the kids of Soc’s people should be writing about? Yep, the leg warmer kind. I think it’s gonna happen for you! You’ve got my blurb for the back cover!

  17. Jenny from another blog

    As another Jenny turning 40 this year, I sadly totally relate to this. I really thought I would be famous, or at least have changed the world, in my 30s. I’ve slowly had to adjust my expectations and now am the person shaking my head sadly at ambitious young people. Now I just have to hope that at least I changed the world with my kids. Well, I did, at least my own world 🙂

  18. Tharesa

    Happy Birthday!
    I Love your post! I too am turning 40 this year and I am slowly coming to the realization I will not be a “fly girl” for those of you who watched In Living color you know what a fly girl is :). Don’t get me wrong – I still try alone when the kids are at school and husband is at work, it is just started to dawn on me though that there are no more “fly girls” and I will never be one.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      You can commiserate with J. Lo. OH, no wait, you can’t. Look, I feel the same way and now all these hot little chippies are gonna come in and take all the good jobs that truly should be ours. This is the way bus boys must feel about illegal aliens… or something like that.

  19. Julie

    Success is not measured by fame. I had one of those “Oh shit! This is not my life.” moments when I was 32 and ended up having an affair, divorcing my high school sweetheart with whom I share two beautiful children, and since my life has been total shit but I still consider it a success. I’ve been unemployed for the past 4 years, gone through many mistakes called relationships and am now living with a 26 year old dishwasher that smokes weed everyday and has become a third child. Oh and my kids are both walking emotional problems. But still…success I have achieved. It’s called self-awareness. I basically live naked to the world. None of it phases me because I’m just glad to be in it and grateful for the things I have and the people that have I have learned from in my life. Your first breath was the success. Fame is an illusion. It’s just breathing with the prospects you can buy bigger tits…

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Oh, Julie… I’d love bigger tits, how did you know? OK, and yes, you sound self-aware and I am as well. I do truly believe that I have achieved some pretty great things – my family being top. The rest is gravy. Fun gravy, gravy I get jealous over other people having, gravy I want to swim in, drink in, and marinate my self in, but gravy none the less!

  20. Julie

    Ok…I was trying to be all enlightened and shit but your post makes me want GRAVY!!! Nom nom nom …yummmy… Lol. And now that I think about it… I could totally dig some fun bags… without any pesky scars, however. Especially considering I have my hot young cub to share with them with now. But at least the darling has been so kind to admit himself an “ass man.” Haha! I revel in the fact that he can truly be one but I forgive him as long as he keeps his on mine… 😉

  21. Julie

    Ha! I just saw your drunk post! (I’m very new to blogging.) You are definitely my kind of girl. Gravy and booze… I guess you should never give up on being famous despite all my ethereal “just breathing” bs that I spewed. Dishboy tells me that he is going to be a rich and famous MMA star named “Quicksilver.” And this is despite the fact he has been a pothead for the past two years instead of training, is on antidepressants, drinks and smokes daily, hasn’t a dime to his name, and his only hobby is taking care of a baby snapping turtle that lives in the only piece of furniture he possesses, the fish tank on my back porch. Oh…and consuming all the milk and peanut butter I bring into the house. But I mean… who the f* knows! Can we say Eminem?

  22. Holly

    Holy crap, I’m glad I found your site. I can relate to you in more ways than I’d like to admit, ha ha. But I will say that the 40s are better than the 30s but they would have been better if I’d achieved more in my 30s than just having kids…..

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  24. Bleeping Amazing

    I totally wanted to marry Kirk Cameron when I was a kid! Now, looking ahead, I’m thinking ol’ Matthew Mcconaughey is more my speed. He makes slang sexy. I have convinced myself that I too am a late bloomer and will be the next “Bloggess,” livin’ the freelance dream. I’m only 35 so my dreams aren’t crushed just yet. I have at least five years before that happens. For the record, I DO think you made the hilarious blogger awesomeness list. Just sayin’.

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  26. krisitna Louise

    YOU TOTALLY crack me up. Fellow late bloomer, I’m 49 and writing my first book. If it doesn’t kill me or my family it is going to go viral for sure!!! I’m gonna make it. So keep it up dear YOUNG late bloomer friend. We are kindred spirits. Let’s tweet sometime funny friend.

  27. Mindi

    You are too funny!! I am a potential late bloomer too. I turn 42 on July 26th. It sucks to thin Do something big and crazy for the big 4-0! I took a trapeze lesson. Your post really hits home.
    One thing I learned about reaching 40 is that it gave me permission to do things and not give a rip of what people think.
    I have my first book draft done, but it’s not published. I wrote a short screen play and acted when it was filmed for a 48 hour film project. Yes I can say I was on the big screen although I was a little out of focus and looked like I had Parkinson’s from the shaky camera. Now I am working on my own blog site to connect with other moms. Can’t wait to read more of your posts.

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  29. Petula

    When I see announcements or social media directing to your new posts I always save it when I don’t have time to read. I think ‘I must save this and come back eventually ’cause I know it’s gonna be funny, interesting or both.’

    Once again you don’t disappointment. This post is hilarious, relatable, silly, serious and crazy all at the same time. It made me laugh and kept me engaged (I think I told you eons ago my attention span only lasts so long when reading posts.).

    Anyway, great post and I think I feel a little sad that I may never be famous. #realitycheck LOL
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