13 Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Kids – Or Your Money Back


Inventive Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Kids (Do NOT Try These at Home) #humor #funny mom #parenting

One moment of creatively messing with your kiddos (for your own amusement) could potentially last a lifetime (see Jimmy Kimmel).

After clicking on an article titled How to Emotionally Fuck Up Your Kids, I realizing it wasn’t what I expected. Yes, I was looking for the witty list of inventive ways parents could wield their awesome powers (not that they would).. Though the piece I read was scientifically sound (who believes science anyway?) I wanted to read my version. Sadly that meant I’d have to write it.

Well, I’ve already written lists, which I’m sure you’ve read, ahem, about the lies we tell our kids to stay sane and the Momisms we trick them with so, why not?

That said, here it is: 13 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally F*ck Up Your Kids (My Version)

1. Start their lives on trend with a unique name. (For inspiration, think of places, feelings, sites, or items you like, and slightly misspell them). “This is my son, Alasca, my daughter, Sentimentle, my twins, Pintrest and Instigram, and my 3-year-old, Iphone 4.”

2. If your child tells you there’s a monster under the bed, scream, “Oh, NO! He’s back, he’s back!” and run out of the house.

3. Tell your kids that you forgot to put out the fireplace, Santa’s in the hospital, and every kid around the world blames them.

4. If your child steps on a bug, claim it was one of your relatives reincarnated, then start to cry, “Now, you’ll never get to meet Great Grandpa.”

5. Act like you’re on the phone with characters from their favorite shows to get them to do things. “I’m talking to Dora right now, she says your breath stinks and that you should brush them.”

6. When you step on a Lego (and you will), fall to the ground wincing and pretend the whole foot will need to be removed.

7. Give make-believe characters random habits. “Keep your mouth closed when you sleep, the Tooth Fairy is a kleptomaniac.”

8. Tell the kids that the stew they’re currently eating has the Easter Bunny in it.

9. When you want to get a stain off, skip the whole licking the finger and rubbing the stain trick and just lick the stain directly.

10. Tell your kids that shots at the doctor are no big deal, except that there’s always a small chance, he/she could accidentally turn them into vampires. 

11. When your child is taking a bath, scream ‘Shark’ and flee the room.

12. Tell your kids that they’re safe from the Boogeyman, unless, of course, they stay up past 9 p.m.

13. Send healthy oranges to school, but carve creepy jack-o-lantern faces into them, and when the kids get home, deny doing it.

That’s what I needed to read. (PS: These are funny parenting tips … not reference material.)

Well, give me your most creative ideas to screw up the offspring?



22 thoughts on “13 Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Kids – Or Your Money Back

  1. Sheri

    We are professional kid screwer uppers! My husband, the one with the dual diagnosis case load (developmental disabilities and mental illness) has a couple of go to phrases…. 1. Kids are an 18 year psych. experiment. 2. They’re going to have to have therapy might as well make sure they get their money’s worth!
    One of our better trauma inducers involves Joseph, our oldest child who misbehaved and now lives in the crawl space. The payoff was way quicker than we were counting on. The kids refused to go in the basement for months. Did I mention that the playroom was in the basement?

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Yes, we’re like evil magicians sometimes, but the ones who think they’re good. You know, like Penn and Teller? I don’t know what the means to be quite honest, but you should just nod along.

  2. Anna Sierra

    I like your post, but my kids are teenagers and past the age of being able to fall for most of these – so I choose public embarrassment instead. Showing up to their high school football games dressed in Snuggies, dancing anywhere out in public when they’re present, wearing the rainbow faux fur legwarmers I just bought the rest for the rest of our shopping excursion because I was cold, insisting that we all sing happy birthday when we are out at a restaurant for their birthday dinner…you get the picture. They’ll appreciate it someday when they have kids of their own. Payback is sweet.

    1. Mandie

      My daughter is almost 20..daughter:mom lock the door..Me:y? daughter : so I feel safe when I sleep…Me:y if they really want in they can get in…daughter :then what r locks for?…Me:keeping family and friends out I guess…daughter : great mom way to make me feel safe…hahaha mother of the year here 🙂

  3. cherie

    Or you could pretend to be their bunny puppet and make them think it would do horrible thiings to them. Wasn’t that fun…lol

  4. My Special Kind of Crazy

    My dad always used to tell my brother and me that you had to hold your breath when driving by a cemetery so that the ghosts wouldn’t haunt you. With my kids I’m going to tell them that, then begin driving really slow and ultimately stop in the middle yelling, “I’ve run out of gas! We’ll need to get out and run!”
    My Special Kind of Crazy recently posted…It’s A Good Thing She’s Cute….My Profile

  5. Bari

    This has to be one of the funniest prices you’ve done! Can’t wait to share it!
    P.S. Jen, remember all those stuffed animals you had in your room, they were once alive!!!!!

  6. sparkling74

    My favorite is giving them names of special places or things with slight misspellings. As a teacher these days, I cannot really convey just how difficult it was to read my rosters on the first days of school, when I didn’t know if a name was for a boy or girl, if there were invisible letters I wasn’t pronouncing, if there were visible letters I was pronouncing, or if their first name was actually cut off because of their hyphenated last name which was so long the computer couldn’t fit their first name in. Whatever happened to John or Mary?
    sparkling74 recently posted…BUST-edMy Profile

  7. Carrie

    I am guilty of a variation on number 5, especially around Christmas. “I will call Santa and tell him you’ve been naughty!” Don’t know if they believe me, but it works well enough. And yes, I’m saving for their therapy.
    Carrie recently posted…Getting Pelted By My HusbandMy Profile

  8. Rorybore

    Oh there will be no need to pretend about that stepping on Lego thing! they hurt. just plain hurt.
    And I am terrible – I told one of my kids that the monsters were under MY bed. that way she would stop coming in and waking me up all through the night.
    oops. my bad.
    (but it did work)
    Rorybore recently posted…WW: Stay GoldMy Profile

  9. Jennifer June

    #2 is a major win.

    My parents used to play a game with us called “Bears”.
    It’s were they turn off all the lights in the house and then crawl around in the dark as quiet as mice until they were right behind our terrified little bodies. Then “ROOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!”
    And we’d pee our pants.

    Scarred for life.

  10. Ada Boda

    Oh my, number 8 is happening in my country all the time! Because sometimes kids get pet bunnies for easter from some lovely relative, and after they’re bored about it, and also the parents are fed up with taking care of it, they make dinner out of the poor fella. Usually the kids don’t even know until they’re finished with it… So please don’t give pets as gifts!
    Ada Boda recently posted…Split-Second StoryMy Profile

  11. Andrea

    We told kiddo there are killer dust bunnies under his bed and if he puts anything under there they will eat it. He’s 3. Not sure how much he believes it but every once in a while he will ask if the bunnies are still there.

  12. Peter P.

    When putting my son to sleep, I’ll lie with him in his bed for a while. Invariably, he’ll ask me a question. Sometimes, a lot of questions. Not long ago, I decided to put an end to sleep time queries.
    I turned to him mechanically, with eyes wide open, and said in my best demonic voice, “Daddy’s not in here…!”
    Then he screamed for his mother and I got to go watch TV. And now he lets only Mommy put him to bed. Problem solved.
    Peter P. recently posted…The Second TrimesterMy Profile

  13. Stacy

    Omg these are so funny. The sad part is I was just reading this to one of my two daughter who is almost 18 and we laughted so hard because I used to do half of the things on this list just in a milder version :).

  14. Diane

    When Michael Jackson came out with thriller, I learned the dance. When my kids were driving me nuts, I’d start doing the thriller dance. My kids are now in their 30s and still get freaked out when they hear that song!

  15. Pingback: So This Happened AKA How to Scare Kids At A Bus Stop - The Suburban Jungle

  16. diana

    When my daughter was a tween I liked to take her to the grocery store with me. I would stop randomly in an aisle, turn to her and say very loudly,’do you want me to beat you in the middle of this store? Cuz I’ll do it’ she died from embarrassment every time.


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