We’ve All Done Something Illegal, Right?

AAAAAAAAH!  I am so excited! (That was a scream.)

On the subject of my personal fame… one I like to write about maybe a bit too often, I am a character in a non-fiction thriller.  A “bad boy” pal of mine, from my college days of selling shots for extra dough, just got his book published.  He penned it in the joint, I don’t know if that’s a cool thing to call it, but I am trying to sound cool.

It’s the story of the events that lead to his arrest and incarceration.  Events, which I was apparently in the middle of and was completely oblivious to.  Look, as you’re considering what kind of crew I hung out with, let’s not forget I’m a nice Jewish girl from the ‘burbs who literally saves worms from burning on the sidewalk.  So, without giving anything away, I’ll say he was not in the clink for murder.  To be quite honest my copy is on the way, so I don’t know all the details.

This sparks a story of my own that I did not think I would tell because it could ruin my pristine image.  But, what the hell, I’m sure I’ve done that already on this blog.  Between the nose picking, the yelling at other people’s kids, and telling my daughter’s nursery school teacher that I got Clifford the Big Red Dog drunk.

I was, as I said, a shot girl at University of Miami.  We’re talkin’ test tubes on a tray kinda stuff.  Unlike the shot girls in some of the local bars, I was clad in a lot more than lingerie.  I was pulling in like $200 a night, which in the 90’s was more like a grand.  Okay, maybe not quite, but good money for a 20 year old still getting an allowance.  Said friend was a bartender there. He was one of the few people I was friends with that didn’t go to school with me and he was a bit out of his mind, which made him even “funner.”  He watched out for me and regularly reminded my boyfriend, how lucky he was. Then when my boyfriend would run off to some party he would chivalrously walk me to my car so I wouldn’t be in a dark parking lot alone.

I can’t say his influence was all good.  He was an integral part of the one illegal thing I think I’ve ever done.  I mean ever, I don’t even think I shoplifted a lipstick when it was in fashion to do so… you remember 7th grade?

We noticed that when someone finished their test-tube they usually put it back on the tray.  In a sinister plot to up my nightly take, he would make me a flask of shots to refill those used tubes with in the bathroom.  Before I go on, I must explain how even writing this offends me now.  Not because of the crime, because I am such a germ phobe. To think I would allow people to unwittingly drink out of second hand test tubes that had been in a germy bathroom, ugh.  If I did it now, I would have to find a much more sanitary way to swindle the bar out of their 3 bucks a shot.

My other evil ruse was to fill the back row of shots with water. That was my personal reserve. Often drunk people like to get the shot girl drunk. I was not a fan of this as; A) I’m a lightweight and B) Who wants to be drunk while working? So, for $3, which was usually $5 with tip, you got the pleasure of sharing a shot with me and watching me make some over reactive wincing face as if downing straight vodka. Then maybe I’d high five you, or do a “woo” to reflect how it burned on the way down. What, you should get what you pay for.

I was pullin’ in more like $400 a night and still sold the most shots, by the management’s count. I’m sure I spent it on all frivolous items that were hip in the 90’s, from vintage 501s to those trendy micro-fiber body suits by BCBG and Bisou-Bisou. I recall a few overly chunky heels and a lot of flannels from Structure. Flannels, that looked “perfect” tied around the waist of some shredded jean shorts with a man’s braided belt, and a baby tee from Contempo. I know, you’re thinking, stealing shot money is not the only crime I committed in the 90’s.

This is my confession, I hope you forgive me. I will send the links to the book and review it ASAP.

13 thoughts on “We’ve All Done Something Illegal, Right?

  1. Cherie

    Its a good thing you told me about this before, although I guess I wouldn’t have been shocked. I do remember taking candy from the neighborhood grocery store once or twice as a dare when I was 7 or 8. I also remember sneaking into the movies from the back door and my mother looking for me, she even called the police. A neighbor boy came in the movies and saw me and told me I better get home quick. So I trudged home wondering what kind of fate I had in store. I could go on, but I’ll tell you about this another time.

  2. Leah O.

    That’s not so bad. I once decorated my school with graffiti due to the a crappy attitude against gays at my school.
    I never got caught, but through loose lips everyone knew it was me.

  3. Alison

    Good one Jenny!!!! Love it, and I wish I had known your secrets, they would have come in handy during my stint as shot girl!

    P.S. alcohol kills the germs, no worries!!!! ;oP

  4. Jill

    I love the last paragraph! I remember rocking those jean shorts and flannels right next to you, it was like we all had a uniform on! Remember the high heel sneakers (actually I would really like another pair of those.)
    You always looked hip and beautiful!

  5. admin Post author

    I’ve got the college crew today, except Leah O., who is a serious criminal, but if it’s for a good cause, is it crime? Hmm, I’ll leave that to smarter people.

    PS those guess high heeled tennis shoes where the “bomb,” I was so “psyched” to be wearing them… I’d wear them now, “NOT.” “Psyche,” I would. Like, “whateverrrr.”

  6. nancy schutt

    Geez are you a lightweight. no DRUGS? How could you get thru college without illegal drugs?
    Just for your information regarding the murder topic- I live in Seattle where it rains alot and we have snails the size of bananas, in fact, they are called banana slugs. They devastate my garden, but I can’t bear to murder them so I gather them up and transfer them-that is, drive them 2miles away to a local green space and release them where they reduce a small forest to stubs of ferns. A time when murder is appropriate, but still…

  7. Insanitykim

    Great. Now I know where I got herpes from. Thanks for exercising unabashed 90210 indiscretions as a 20-something hotty mc-shotty…

    Psh…alcohol does NOT kill germs, unless you add fire, then it kills everything. Is that what your friend did? I am so buying that 19.95 background check thingie and checking out your claims.

    And, I would say saving about 100,000 more worms should pay for your sins.

  8. I Love Brownies

    You are a hardened criminal and I’m from Texas which means you should be shot. NO….not sell SHOTS…BE shot!
    Probably mostly for the crimes of fashion. HEY (in my Jim Gaffigan voice) I like flannel. 🙂

  9. Ed

    Oh, the temptation to RickRoll is so strong right now. Must. Forget. 90s.
    80s. Already. Blur.
    70s? Biatch, please.
    Sweet Karma, I tended bar at a few places not far from your school in the late 80s/early 90s (Tugboat Annie’s, Fat Tuesday’s, The Button et al). I remember going into a place in Miami with a visiting friend who insisted buying me a few of those test tube shots. No joke, while I thought the shot girl was way hot, I puked for like 2 days after that. After I leggo’d my eggos ’til the eggos ran dry, I pledged my undying love to the Tequila Popper girl at some industrial club on Commercial Blvd. in Ft. Lauderdale. One bitter divorce later, I can’t help but think you’re somehow responsible. Victimless crime, my ass.

  10. Bari

    All can say is my college days were saner…NOT…but I won’t tell you how. My secrets are going to the grave!


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