How to Retain Water and Lose Sanity

Sure, you read articles all the time on how NOT to retain water and how celebrities cleanse and diarrhetic out the toxins and cholonic out the backed up sewage, but rarely do people tell you how to retain fluids and keep those toxic invaders in and that’s why I’m writing this. to write it the other way is too obvious, too trite, too cliche. This is why I have such a huge following… I know what people really want to know. Because I have this info, my ego is not the only thing that’s bloated.

Here’s how I learned this pertinent bloating information: I was driving and out of nowhere I felt like I was about to pass out. I was luckily in a parking lot and quickly pulled into the nearest spot sideswiping a pedestrian. Sure, I felt some guilt, but I didn’t have time to circle like I usually do and I had to settle for my sub-standard spot.

My mind was racing, “Something is very wrong, people don’t just pass out.” I called my husband on speaker while unlocking my doors, so he or the paramedics could get to me. Even in my nearly unconscious state I was anally over-preparing.

I searched for something to eat. I shoved a lollipop in my mouth… nothing. I was hanging on by a thread, when I saw my daughter’s morning sippy cup of milk. I sucked out the milk as fast as I could (those things have a valve to slow the release of liquid, making this scene almost comedic… if it wasn’t happening to me, that is.) After a rush of boiling heat radiated through my body, the feeling slowly eased. After a meal during, which I was barely lucid for, I told husband I was okay to drive myself to the doctor. This by the way took very little convincing, thanks honey. (He is never anally over-preparing)

Now let me tell you a bit about my Doctor. He is a Jewish Jamaican with a strong accent and the stereotypical laid back attitude you would expect of people who use the word “irie.” I go to him because I am too big of a hypochondriac to go to someone with credentials high strung. When I arrived at the office I found him out back taking a smoke break, he rolls his own, so there’s no telling what it actually was.

He tipped his skull cap at me and I went in to wait for my turn.

“Ello luv, I see you got yer pretty self all worked up. I don’t mean to trow the book at ya, but yer blood pressure is very low… too too low. Yer passin’ out cause yer not getting enough oxygen to yer brain daarlin’.

“That actually explains some other issues.”

“Well, ya got ta take care of dis yerself, cause yer not gonna like the medcine I’d ‘ave to put ya on. Now go to the store and buy everyting wid salt. Get some matzoh ball soup and put extra salt init, put salt on yer salt. Everyting you been taught, ferget it.Rememba ya need tons of fluids, ‘cause ya ‘ave to retain ‘em.”

“What about water?”

“Water? No. That’s terrible fer ya, that just washes the sodium away. I prefer you ‘ave a Coke. Coke jas yer, salt yer caffeine, and yer sugar. It’s the perfect drink fer yer ‘ealth.”

“Yes, I believe that’s their campaign slogan.”

“OK then, I love ya daarlin. ‘Ave a space cake fer the road.”

Did I mention he takes his appointments in a small shack? I’m totally kidding, it’s more of a trailer.

So, if I want to stay awake, I must retain water and eat and drink crap, and if I want to stay thin, I must pass out. Hmmm, well I certainly wouldn’t be the first person who passed out trying to stay thin.

It’s against everyting, sorry everthing, in me to purposely retain fluids. But apparently, this medicine is something I want to avoid, so here goes.

WEEK 1- Filled pantry with pretzels, pistachios, popcorn, pickles, peppercorn jack, and Pepsi. I know, you’re thinking they all have… salt in them, and that’s why I got them.

WEEK 2- Ate and drank all of the above. Wide awake. Feelin’ gooood.

WEEK 3- Still awake. Feeling sluggish. Fingers pruning… Must have sweet, in need of a cupcake. I secretly busted a piñata at my daughter’s friends birthday, and ravaged the innards. I blamed it on a little kid that teases her, who just happened to be the birthday boy. Ahhh, I got my sweets… and my sweet sweet revenge.

WEEK 4- Cannot look at another saltine. Putting MnMs in my soup instead of oyster crackers. Can no longer wear rings. Thighs are becoming too friendly with each other.

Mission accomplished. Do I cry or cheer?

WEEK 5- Too bloated to cook. Can’t get fingers around pan handles. Oven mitts don’t fit. Had husband install salt licks around the house for convenience. Lick them each time I waddle by. Will write more tomorrow, sausage fingers too swollen for keys.

So many freakin' Lemonade stands, but you never see one of these.

23 thoughts on “How to Retain Water and Lose Sanity

  1. cherie

    TOO, TOO FUNNY!!!! I’m surprised your kids didn’t try to pop you like a balloon. I wish I could eat some of that, but I would be ten times bigger than you discribed. Keep them coming.

  2. Bari

    Your ‘ealth diet is perfect for the holiday! Tons of salt in kosher foods and added sweets for a good new year. Do what if you retain water… At least you’ll be healthy, happy and awake.

  3. Barry

    Very, very funny. Love the writing. Sorry you had such awful bloating of the fingers and hands. After you finished this article, It must have been very difficult pressing the ENTER key with your forehead.

  4. jojo

    Ok, I have to admit, you hit on a point in women’s lives that the advertising industry has seriously avoided. Having been in situations not quite like yours, but close enough I can sympathize, then I got the high blood pressure and it had to be reversed?!
    Now I would like to see the reverse story. Your too bloated and need to reduce.
    I will be watching for the next story.

  5. Carol Tice

    Haha! I have low blood pressure too Jen…my favorite is to just make up some nice salty popcorn…yeah, it needs a little butter to make the salt stick on. Always seem to feel great after that!

    When I was in the hospital they’d always hook me up to the automatic blood pressure cuff and just take my pressure for hours on end, as they couldn’t believe it was really 80/60…but yeah, it is. And yeah, my ears do pound when I walk upstairs…but keep eating that salt. It’s better than HIGH blood pressure any day!

  6. Kim

    And here I was just gonna suggest that you were having a panic attack!

    If you just allow the panic attacks to take over, that will raise your blood pressure no problem…then you can go back to not eating.

    Just remember to breathe too…There is fluid and nutrients in the air, mixed in with the pollution, so if you breathe deeply enough around coffee shops and restaurants you’ll get enough sustenance to keep you going, and you will have smoked at least 3 cigarettes, which are GREAT for the figure…

    If you get tired of all those foods that start with a “p” just send them to me I’ll eat them…I can still eat anything I want and stay as thin as a baby elephant. Yeah, I know you’re jealous.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Thanks for that. You just thinking it is good enough to start a rumor in my suburb. It doesn’t take much around here. Gossip travels fast. I only hope peeps start letting me have their spaces in parking lots and forgive my forgetfulness. I should get something good out of the misunderstanding.

  7. Rachael

    Jenny, I love this article!! Since we go to the same dr. I can totally see him saying that in just that way!! He is the best doctor, Even though you are not so keen on the side effects of your new eating habits! Oh and as a side note…do chloe and tanner share the salt licks wit cha??

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  10. Vonnie

    I googled ‘retaining water’ this morning and came across your site – what a hoot! I have the total opposite problem and read your post through severely puffed eyelids. Thanks for the remedy and the laugh. Now, I’m off to drink gallons of water and avoid the stuff you’re eating. lol

  11. Beth

    This is awesome!! I’m a Tour Guid Bus Driver up in Alaska and I had the exact same pass out episode yesterday. The only problem is that I had a bus full of people and I was driving up a winding road! Thankfully I was Pulling into our destination but I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified in my whole life!! Your article has been more than helpful!! Keep on writing!!


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