How To Make People Hiss At You

I considered not posting this because so many people witnessed it happening. I wasn’t sure if there was anyone left to read about it. Because there is some pertinent information, I decided it was worth sharing. I have discovered the quickest way to make people despise and hiss at you. If this is something you may be interested in… read on.

Bring a cranky child with less than five hours sleep under her belt, to the grocery store. It’s a brilliant plan for anyone with too many friends or any kind of social interaction disorder.

She began our trip like a giddy drunk: a little unstable, but cheerful and capricious. I may have even gotten an, “I love you man… I mean Mom,” accompanied by a hearty chest bump. Well, her chest, my knee. But, like most drunks, the second you shove them in to the seat of the shopping cart they get belligerent.

Cindy our favorite check out girl made the tragic mistake of saying, “Hello my sweet Ryan,” When we arrived. Her “Sweet Ryan” responded with bared teeth and an ominous growl.

“How could you Cindy?” I snarled. I should have done a 180 then and there, but I selfishly decided that it was more important that my family have their precious food than maintain any good will towards neighbors.

By the meat counter Ryan lost it when I pulled the number out of the number machine. When I felt her eyes bore a chasm through my forehead, I succumbed and allowed her to pull out 10 more numbers…much to the dismay of the deli staff.

By the time we hit produce she had spiraled out of control. I said something so horrifying, it left her no choice but to unleash an Earth shattering scream of disapproval. The grapes looked old, but I now realize, I should have kept that scary tidbit to myself.

I also affronted her by pushing the cart too slowly. When I sped up she hit her back on the cart which was adding insult to injury, actually injury to insult. Semantics aside, it was unforgivable and ohhh, did I feel her justifiable fury.

As I waited for her head to stop spinning, I decided to spare the customers the migraines they were acquiring and spare myself the gossip that was developing. I grabbed a few essentials and made a beeline for the checkout line. Cindy’s line was the shortest. I reluctantly got in it and shot her a scowl, letting her know I had not forgotten the cruel injustice she showed my child when we arrived. Ryan continued to sulk, which  triggered the woman in front of me to say, “Aww, Poor thing. She’s so cute.”

I took one look at her blood shot eyes as she was rolling them at me for some unknown wrongdoing and simply said, “She can be cuter.”

As I approached the end of the belt, Cindy looked at me with the sad pouty face adults make when imitating crying children.

“Hello Jenny,” she said in a not your day, kind of way

“Don’t even go there Cindy, you chipper woman or I will knock that annoying pout clean off your face,” I barked in a stint of misplaced frustration. Okay, I didn’t say that, but I did give her the, “talk to the hand” gesture. No, I didn’t do that either. I said, “hello Cindy,” but I said it in an Indian accent, so she would be oddly confused.

Next time I choose feeding my family over my daughter’s surly mood, I will remind myself that, there is a reason Mc Donald’s is making the youth of America fat.  Then I will head to the nearest drive-thru.

13 thoughts on “How To Make People Hiss At You

  1. Cherie

    Too funny. Did the hand actually talk back? You should have known better, that darling, wonderful, adorable, loving, patient child could never do anything wrong.

    Reply
  2. Gail Kent

    What a mean, mean mom, you are … deciding to feed your family rather than giving in to your daughter’s bad mood! ( – :

    My husband used to have a single friend whose child-tending advice was to tie them to the coffee table and stick a sock in their mouths. Wonder how socks and duck tape would work in the supermarket?

    If you’d like to see what parenting is like on the geezerette end of the spectrum, check out my blog at http://www.thatawkwardage.com. “Too Old for Pole Dancing. Too Young for Social Security.”

    Reply
  3. Karen B. Rosenberg

    It must be universal. My oldest chose the deli counter to drop in front of and just lose it – every trip. Never figured out why. You would have thought I’d learn, but did it every time, like an experiment I kept taking her back until it became kind of funny, like a stupid kid trick.

    Reply
  4. rachy

    yikes, nothing worse that the unreconcilable child! oh, the wailing! the stiff arched back! Jenny, clearly she would report you to the UN commission on human rights for unspeakable abuses, if she knew what it was!!!!

    but sometimes you just have to chill…….it’s not always a bad as you think it is (i say from experience!) yes, the good parent is very embarrassed, but others are willing to ignore the tantrum!

    (can’t you shop in the evening when hubby can watch over them?)

    Reply
  5. Bari

    Ryan, Ryan.Ryan…to think you’re only four and just getting started! Imagine all the teachers you can torture with just one shrill burst or even the hearts you’ll break by piercing them with your wail. Then lo and behold you find your true path as a “screamer” in horror flicks. You’re a natural kid. Keep up the the practice. Mommy can take it even if the others can’t. They’re just jealous you’ve got a special talent!

    Reply
  6. Jen

    🙂 I send my bf to the supermarket with out 2 year old when he’s been bad or annoying. If he really pisses me off….he takes the 7 year old too. Both girls.

    Reply
  7. Jenee Evans

    I was thinking of you today when I was at Publix and the cashier took Allison’s baby doll out of the cart and held her teasing that she was taking it! Fortunately, Allison was feeling generous about sharing today! All I could think about was you!

    Reply
  8. jimdittmer

    I’m glad I’m an old goat and these incidents are a long ago memory! (mine is 31 now). I don’t think there’s anything quite as compelling (or impelling) as a child that needs a little shuteye. Maybe if they ran a few laps of the parking lot…?

    Reply
  9. Ed

    Cha, we have 6- and 5-year-old boys who are to grocery stores what the Hanson brothers were to hockey in “Slapshot.” Oh, the carnage. We’re considering a return to a simpler way of life: dressing them in camo and turning them loose out the back door with a mandate not to return without 2 chickens and the components of a nice salad.

    Reply
  10. Jacques

    Because of hormones and artificial additives, girls start ovulating at earlier ages. It is safe to assume this was a severe case of PMS.

    Reply
  11. admin Post author

    So, we have all been there, except maybe Jacques who is blaming it on PMS… such a man excuse, Jacques. I’m on it… laps around the block, and send her out to catch chickens. I’ll let you know how it all works out.
    <3 Jenny form the blog

    Reply
  12. Jacques

    Yeah, haven’t been there…. lame man excuse, I know – couldn’t come up with something more profound…. I thought I was enlightening you (and your readers) though…. So, what about ADD? ADHD? Isn’t that pretty en vogue, these days?

    Reply

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