Gag me with a…

This story is like a bad episode of Three’s Company… not that there ever was one,  I love you Jack!

I went into the vitamin store today where a lovely couple owns the shop. They know me, my concerns, my usual products, etc… My biggest issue is that I cannot swallow pills. I have forced myself to swallow some pretty disgusting stuff (I know, that’s what she said.) in avoidance of those monster vitamins they make. I’m sure the purveyors of vitamins have dealt with this issue before. It seems I have mentioned this once or twice, as the owners always consider it before helping me find a new pill.

Today, it was just the husband in the store with his brother. I think I said something like, “I need to look at the size to see if I can get it down.” Bob eyed his brother and the brother walked away. I had no idea why, and I walked over to look at a sample. Then I said something like, “Come on Bob, you know I can’t swallow.” Still completely oblivious, I turned around and the two of them were in absolute hysterics. What did I just say? Then it hit me. Oh…that was bad. I had to start with the familiar, “Come on Bob,” no less?
“You know what I mean.” I said flushed with embarrassment.
“Yes I know, you always remind me.” snicker snicker.

Then I realized, this was not a one time accidental sexual innuendo. How many times had I said things like, “I have trouble swallowing,” or “That will make me gag, it’s so big?” I could tell by the way the laughter came out like a floodgate exploding, that this was an ongoing joke, an ongoing joke that I was the ongoing butt of.

That kills me for so many reasons, as I am usually the first to get the double entendre, the pun, the sarcasm, the “that’s what she said,” moment. I can imagine him and his wife calling each other every time I walk out the door.

“Oh Lisa, Jenny said she, ‘can’t swallow’ like 5 times today. I think that’s a record.”

“Noooo Bob, that’s not the record. Don’t you remember when she was looking for calcium supplements?”

“Of course, Lisa. She said she had tried the liquid, but it was soooo thick and chalky she spat it all over the sink.”

In Unison: “That day will go down in infamy. I think we closed early.”

I know you’re thinking they wouldn’t really say that in unison, but it was either that or to write the song I imagined they spontaneously broke into.

“I cannot swallow.”
“Your throats not hollow?”
“That’s too immense”
“You are so dense.”
See not a great song.

21 thoughts on “Gag me with a…

  1. Cherie

    Almost peed in my pants. I have the same problem, but of course I didn’t tell anyone in a Vitamin store. I can just picture the two of them giggling to themselves and giving each other special signs when you enter the store. I don’t know if I could return to that store knowing I was their amusement for the day. Next time ask them for a cover charge.

  2. Laura Day

    I can’t swallow pills either, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it to anyone but my doctor (and I always say “can’t swallow pills”). I’ll have to be careful from now on.

  3. Sandi

    This was great. Here I was thinking I was a) the only one who couldn’t swallow pills and b) the only person who says things without realizing that my words can be misconstrued as something sexual. I am just hoping that you don’t have the added entertainment value for your audience of turning bright red once you realize what you have said and how it sounds.

  4. nancy schutt

    Maybe they are easier to swallow when they are firm and hard. It’s those flaccid pills that are so difficult to get in your mouth.
    Myself, i think this is your body telling you that you are actually a lesbian.

  5. Silly Boy

    It sounds like since you are now the butt of the joke you may as well play along and make all of the “loaded” statements you can while shopping at the vitamin store. I also think Nancy needs help with her flaccid pills and that placebos are not a substitute for the real thing.

  6. Henry

    My brother can barely go to the dentist because his gag reflex is so strong. I like your blog a lot! Great thoughts, well designed, and so fresh. Thanks for sharing!


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  8. Ed

    The first time I read this I pictured the couple as elderly and gentile. The second time the brothers were D&D geeks in full Star Trek regalia. The third time they were Greek with gold chains and chest hair for days. Truth? I’m not sure which creeps me out the most.
    I think now I’ll re-read it with the “Funky Walkin’ and Dirty Talkin'” guy playing the lead role. You know, Teddy Pendergrass playing in the background, disco balls, candles, Courvoisier and a cash register covered in faux fur. Awww yeaaaaahhhhhh!

  9. admin Post author

    I loved everyone’s comments on this one. I am glad to be in not only the company of those who can not swallow… but those who make an ass of themselves by making charged statements with total obliviousness. I would tell you about the couple but that would ruin Ed’s fun.

    SO I will leave it to all your imagination. Nancy, yours was in the gutter this week huh? I liked the response. I actually will go in there and say the most outrageous comment I can think of with a completely straight face… I’m good at that.

    Jenny from the blog

  10. JEBrown

    This was histerical. I think the only thing on par with being butt of a joke that you didn’t realize – is being the only person in the room preverted enough to catch the joke and you are silently snickering alone.

    I was in a business meeting with a bunch of professionals in their 40s and 50s. The speaker stands up in front of the group, and with vigor says, “Well…right….that’s what she said.”

    I bust up laughing. The rest of the room turns and gives me the stink eye.

    I then feel like a pervert for the rest of the day.


  11. zeemaid

    *LOL* that must have been very embarrassing. I don’t think I’d have liked to go back there. On the other hand, I might have told those guys to grow up… I mean OMG how old are we?


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