20 Flaws I Didn’t Know I Had Until My Children So Nicely Informed Me

One of the joys of parenthood is having your children point out your imperfections with brutal honesty. Some days your kids can unwittingly rival the meanest playground bully. I remember the time my daughter Ry (insert squiggly, about to recall a memory, lines), asked if a dark freckle on my back was a mole. “It’s not a mole, it’s a beauty mark,” I rebutted, to which she innocently asked, “Why would they call it a beauty mark, when it’s so ugly?” I guess I never realized the beauty mark I once thought was kinda sexy was such an eyesore. Thank you, my child, for enlightening me. It appears I have many many defects. Ones that my sweet sweet amazing children have brought to my attention over the last 12 years. So children, I say thank you for being seen in public with me and for putting up with my numerous shortcomings, which you made me aware of when you uttered phrases like these:

“Mommy, the veins on your legs look like the GPS in our car.”

“Mommy, your eyes are so squinty.”

“Mom, your breath stinks.”

“Mommy, your pinkie toenails are weird.”

“Mom, you just don’t understand glitter.”

“Mom, you aren’t funny … Dad is funnier.”

“Mom, you should never try out for American Idol, you wouldn’t even make it to Hollywood.”

“Mom, you have a booger.”

“Mommy, will I have as many lines on my face as you do when I’m old?”

“Ma, YOU ARE soooo embarrassing.”

“Mom, you need two hands to shoot a basketball? You’ll never go pro.

“Mom you’re naked??? GROSSSSSS … My eyes! My eyes!”

“Mommy, your homemade mac & cheese isn’t as good as the powdered one.”

“Mommy, you’re not as cool as Lily’s mom, because you can’t do a fishtail braid.”

“Mom, you just don’t know what it’s like to be a boy.”

“Mom, you just don’t know what it’s like to be a girl.”

“Mommy, you have no style … you don’t even like Justice.”

“Mommy, you look like a grandma in glasses.”

And lastly, “Mommy, your butt is really jiggly.” (Which I already knew, by the way! So, the joke’s on you.)

Well, I guess I won’t be trying out for The Voice or the Lakers, and apparently, I’m a pretty grotesque elephant-man-esque creature with no sense of style. Oh, and I’m not funny, to boot — which may not bode well for my career as a humor columnist. Thankfully, I’ve got some self-esteem left in me — or I’d probably have to consider becoming a hermit.

SPILL: What wonderful things have you learned about yourself from the funny things kids say that, ahem, aren’t so funny?



22 thoughts on “20 Flaws I Didn’t Know I Had Until My Children So Nicely Informed Me

  1. Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer's Caregiver

    This is so hilarious! Definitely true though! I raised a boy and a girl and I told my husband one day if I counted on them for my self esteem I would definitely be on anti-depressants if not institutionalized. I have heard why are you fat mommy? Why don’t you do anything mommy? (this during one of my many RA flares) and the best one of all “Why can’t you cook as good as so and so’s mom? Ah the life of parenthood ain’t it great. It doesn’t get any better when they are all grown either I am learning.
    Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver recently posted…THE FRIENDS OUR CHILDREN BECOMEMy Profile

    1. Charity

      My daughter, at 16 months, does a few little signs for things while she talks. I was singing along to a CD in the car (Okay, I was actually BELTING songs from Wicked), and I set it to a very sweet song and turned to sing to my sweet daughter, who heard it starting up again and goes, “ah dun? ah dun! ah dun!” (“all done”) while signing frantically for me to shut the hell up. In college, I minored in music with a concentration in vocal performance. Glad to see it did some good.

  2. Debbie

    I have three children. I honestly don’t think it’s possible for a person to be wrong as often as I evidently am. I don’t know how I have made it this far in life. And when it’s found that I am, on the rarest of occasions, RIGHT (insert gasp) it’s pointed out with complete and utter SHOCK …. “Mom! You’re right! Feta really IS from a sheep’s milk!” :oO Such a shocking moment that I think her world might have hesitated in its rotation for a split second.

  3. Nancy

    Yes, the joys of kids. Mine seems to own a pair of rose colored glasses (or she just doesn’t actually look at me) though I do embarrass her regularly, and each time I do, I remind her that it’s in my job description to embarrass her!
    Just as an aside, I met Audra McDonald, about six years ago, and she confessed to me that her daughter hated her singing voice, and would screech in horror every time Audra would sing to her. Just sayin’ they may not have the most discerning taste/eyes/ears etc.
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  4. Claudia Schmidt

    My 2 teens (16 & 18) frequently complain about my singing (I sing along to songs in the car) and the fact that I talk too much. HELLO. It’s what I do, it’s who I am! Are they kidding….but then again, they’re teenagers so I expect some snarky behavior. Fun post 🙂
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    1. Heidi BK Sloss

      Now that my daughter is studying vocal performance in college I can’t even hum in her presence. And I want to tell her, “Hey Hello, where do you think your love of music came from?” But of course I can’t.

  5. jennifer

    They say your spouse and your children are the best mirrors one can ever have …funny post. My daughter is still too young at present but I am bracing myself cause I know its coming.,

  6. Heidi BK Sloss

    Wow, good thing I am older and forgetful because I just don’t remember that many cruel things my kids told me when they were young. At least not that many about my body. But when they were teenagers I became the idiot in the house. Nothing I could say was okay. In fact some days, just breathing upset them about me. I hated all the eye rolling, even though I remember clearly doing it to my mother as a teen. The good news is that this phase has passed for my son (now 23), but we are still in it for my daughter (now 18). She is much more cruel to me now than she was when she was younger. I recognize her need to pull away, and frankly am glad on some days that she chose a college on the other side of the country. Being in a different time zone helps me cool down and find some self-control from responding to her biting comments. Ah the joys of hormones!

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  8. bailey

    Thank God I’ve yet to procreate, my self esteem couldn’t take any more abuse. Their honesty is brutal. My best friend was dressed in a skirt for a work function and her son chimed in, “where are your pants?” and her daughter said, “your legs look like potatoes.” Ouch!
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  9. qwertygirl

    My tummy is jiggly, and I’m weird. I can’t argue with the tummy thing, but when the eight year old accused me (fairly, I’d say) of being weird, I pointed out that he too was weird, being of my genetic material. His response: “But you’re weirder.” Thank you. And you’re having cooked spinach for dinner.
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