One of the joys of parenthood is having your children point out your imperfections with brutal honesty. Some days your kids can unwittingly rival the meanest playground bully. I remember the time my daughter Ry (insert squiggly, about to recall a memory, lines), asked if a dark freckle on my back was a mole. “It’s not a mole, it’s a beauty mark,” I rebutted, to which she innocently asked, “Why would they call it a beauty mark, when it’s so ugly?” I guess I never realized the beauty mark I once thought was kinda sexy was such an eyesore. Thank you, my child, for enlightening me. It appears I have many many defects. Ones that my sweet sweet amazing children have brought to my attention over the last 12 years. So children, I say thank you for being seen in public with me and for putting up with my numerous shortcomings, which you made me aware of when you uttered phrases like these:
“Mommy, the veins on your legs look like the GPS in our car.”
“Mommy, your eyes are so squinty.”
“Mom, your breath stinks.”
“Mommy, your pinkie toenails are weird.”
“Mom, you just don’t understand glitter.”
“Mom, you aren’t funny … Dad is funnier.”
“Mom, you should never try out for American Idol, you wouldn’t even make it to Hollywood.”
“Mom, you have a booger.”
“Mommy, will I have as many lines on my face as you do when I’m old?”
“Ma, YOU ARE soooo embarrassing.”
“Mom, you need two hands to shoot a basketball? You’ll never go pro.
“Mom you’re naked??? GROSSSSSS … My eyes! My eyes!”
“Mommy, your homemade mac & cheese isn’t as good as the powdered one.”
“Mommy, you’re not as cool as Lily’s mom, because you can’t do a fishtail braid.”
“Mom, you just don’t know what it’s like to be a boy.”
“Mom, you just don’t know what it’s like to be a girl.”
“Mommy, you have no style … you don’t even like Justice.”
“Mommy, you look like a grandma in glasses.”
And lastly, “Mommy, your butt is really jiggly.” (Which I already knew, by the way! So, the joke’s on you.)
Well, I guess I won’t be trying out for The Voice or the Lakers, and apparently, I’m a pretty grotesque elephant-man-esque creature with no sense of style. Oh, and I’m not funny, to boot — which may not bode well for my career as a humor columnist. Thankfully, I’ve got some self-esteem left in me — or I’d probably have to consider becoming a hermit.
SPILL: What wonderful things have you learned about yourself from the funny things kids say that, ahem, aren’t so funny?
AND PLEASE SHARE THIS W/ OTHER PARENTS – BECAUSE IT KEEPS MY BLOG AFLOAT – I MEAN, FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR SELF ESTEEM (Of course)