Famous Mom Gets Fired Over Crack!


It’s official… I’m famous.   For the last couple months people have been stopping me at random places to ask if I write the column “Suburban Jungle,” or to tell me they read and love my stuff.  The first time was at a local Chinese restaurant where a woman and her friend were pointing.  After checking for boogers and toilet paper hanging out of my pants, I heard one said, “that’s the girl with the blog I sent you.”  They came over, introduced themselves and kindly let me know I had broccoli in my teeth.  Damn, oversight.

My most recent approaching was at the grocery store yesterday when a woman stopped me to ask if I was a writer .

“Yes, I am.”

“Oh, I read your column and your blog, you are hilarious.  I love you .  Have you ever heard of so and so?”

“No, does she live in Weston?”  I asked, as if I were some hick who knows  no world outside this microcosm.

“No, she is a very famous writer and your stuff totally reminds me of her.  You’re like a celebrity.”

The whole time my daughter was pulling on my pant leg saying, “Come on mommy let’s go.”  You know the way the children of famous people do, because let’s face it to them you’re not Angelina Jolie, you’re just mommy.  Did I just compare myself to Angie?  Well, so be it.

I did need to get back to the deli counter before number 66 was called.  But, my inflating ego was doing one of those, “Stop it you embarrass me, but go on if you must,” things.  I walked away vowing to never go braless in public again, and arrived at the counter to find them at 68.  I thought, “this is what it must be like to be famous.”  You can’t just walk away when someone is praising your work. You would seem ungrateful and rude, yet you may have to explain to the guy at the deli counter you were accosted by fans and just couldn’t make 66.

The price we pay.  I left the store and realized I must have thrown the paparazzi off my trail, as there were no photographers waiting to see what was in my basket.  Though, I’m sure I’ll be in the “Normal or Not Normal” section of Star.  “Grocery shopping with daughter, NORMAL.”  I shoved my swelled head into my generic SUV and drove back to my humble estate.

Today, the world got wind of my hubris and decided to put me in my place.  I got fired from my column for writing something utterly despicable in my new year’s resolutions article.  Apparently, humor columns are no joking matter.  I also wrote, I would pull my son out of school and send him to work for not being able to spell December, yet child services has not called about infringing on any labor laws.

This reference to crack…

“Resolution 9.  Become Addicted To Something:

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are so trite. I’m thinking something unique like nasal spray or hand sanitizer.  Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack.  Look, I already have a shopping addiction maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.”

was so offensive that the owner, upon receiving his advance copy, threatened to fire the editors for not noticing the seriousness of my new year’s lampoon.  Having not caught it before it went to print, they halted the distribution in order to rip the piece out of 30,000 copies on Dec 31.  It not only held up the delivery date, it cost them over $10,000 in ad revenue from the flip side of the page, and hours of man power.

I was worth losing 10 grand over?  I think that makes me infamous.  Truth be told, I would have taken 8,000 not to write the piece in the first place.  Then they could have pocketed 2g’s and saved themselves the New Year’s Eve headache.  Or at least gotten their New Year’s headaches the old fashioned way: drinking to excess, doing embarrassing things that won’t be remembered at a party of your peers, and accidentally letting the wrong person tongue you when the ball drops.

So, no more play dates with Apple, or Kingston, or Shiloh, or Hazel and Finn.  It’s back to the normal folk with their normal kid names.  No more late nights swapping with the Pitt’s.  It’ll be okay.  I might just start doing crack, to take the edge off.

37 thoughts on “Famous Mom Gets Fired Over Crack!

  1. Karen Rosenberg

    Could’ve titled this, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Crackhouse” or are you too young (and thus hip) to get that reference? There was a huge story up north a few years ago, about Amish kids in Lancaster, PA dealing coke. Do you know them?

    Reply
  2. Mommato4

    Its like you are in my head saying the things that I only want to say, dream of saying. So eloquent.

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. Joke em if they cant take a f*%#.

    Reply
  3. Cherie

    This has got to be the funniest article you have written. I couldn’t stop laughing. I’ll have to contact Angie and tell her to put away the drugs before you get there.

    Reply
  4. Lori

    The owner is a man, what did you expect? One must have breast and a uterius to understand the every day comic life of a Mom. He’s a butt. . . . . their loss.

    Start your own paper sweetie and out sell his pompus, out of date . . .you know what!!!

    Reply
  5. Andrea

    You have got to be kidding. Did these people not know who they hired when the chose you in the first place. It is a shame that the readers will be deprived of their dose…I know I’d be mad if I were in the distribution area!

    Reply
  6. Sheryl

    Oh my god…now I am famous! That was ME who accosted you in the grocery store!! Thank god you didn’t refer to me as “an older woman”. I don’t have a Facebook or My space or have never responded to a blog, but hey, you were talking about me! How flattering! You are frickin’ funny! Keep it up!

    Reply
  7. Bari

    Jen,

    Every great artist takes it on the chin sometime. It may feel like sh_t but as you see it may be the best thing. Kind of like Simon Cowel telling Jennifer Hudson she couldn”t sing! Guess again sista!! You rule!!!

    Reply
  8. rachy

    are they f—–g kidding? i don’t usually get so upset about stupidity like this, but your humor is mild compared to, say, George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can’t Say on TV.” and, i just hate censorship, in any form.

    so, forget about them and keep on writing. you have a great sense of humor and timing! and you fans want more!!

    Reply
  9. Ann

    They will regret losing you. I won’t even touch that magazine ever again. “tongue you” had me laughing out loud. lol.

    Reply
  10. Alison

    No worries Jenny, your fan base is a loyal, intelligent, and extremely thought-forward group! We will continue to follow you and a much hipper and racier employer will find you and want you for your cutting edge humor! We all get fired, and we all survive and grow stronger! You are the best, never forget it!

    Reply
  11. nancy schutt

    wow, good thing you didnt send them the article about teaching your daughter the proper placement of the word “fuck” in a sentence.
    but they probably have automated editing systems for picking up that one, along with “terrorist” and “bombs”. Maybe you should buy that software for future articles.

    Reply
  12. DRF

    That’s awful. The only thing that would make that worse would be if your boss had recently told you to be more daring and edgy to bring in more readers.

    Reply
  13. Carol Tice

    I would assume the owner was himself a closet crackhead, so he was sensitive about that.

    But girl, you are so funny…you should syndicate in the alternative papers, they’d be up for your level of savage humor.

    Enjoy!

    Carol

    Reply
  14. Susan Morgan

    What an awesome New Year’s list… all great resolutions, ones i’d be glad to keep myself. What a shame some people have so little appreciation for good, clean irreverent humor when they see it.

    Thanks for sharing your 09 resolutions, and giving us all such a good laugh. We sure need it!
    Sue

    Reply
  15. Barbara Whitlock

    I have a great addiction suggestion — Helium.com. Some writers (and amateur writers) approach Helium with skepticism, which moves quickly to trust, then passion, and ultimately addiction.

    It’s great to have freedom to find your voice and have the benefit of a high page rank site to promote your writing (do consider republishing this article there!). We give upfront payments for informative articles, some nice ad revenue to complement, plus we have much higher paying options in our Helium freelance writer’s marketplace too: http://www.helium.com/marketplace?placement=13060

    If you’d like more information, shoot me an email: bwhitlock@helium.com.

    Reply
  16. Kirk

    I think you rock!….but doing any type of crack gets you into a lot of sh*t 🙂

    Looking forward to more of your laughs!

    –Kirk

    Reply
  17. Momma, The Casual Perfectionist

    Oh no! I guess I’m new to the whole field, but how does the editor not hold some responsibility for this?

    Still, I’m sorry this happened, but I’m happy I found your blog. (I saw it through a LinkedIn thing…)

    I can’t wait to read more!

    Reply
  18. Kevin Jackson

    I must say that you are an incredible writer. I thorough enjoyed “getting in touch with my feminine side” with this read. And being black, well yes the “crack” reference was irresistible…”Don’t say it, unless you ‘gots’ some!” I shall return, choose MacArthur or the Governator…it works either way.

    Kevin, aka The Black Sphere

    Reply
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  22. Be Happy in LIFE

    It’s sad how some people don’t get humor, isn’t it? If they couldn’t fire you, it’d be funny, but when they can get into positions of power, that’s when you need to start worrying about the sanity of the world.

    Rock on!

    Reply
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