The eNup | Why People Should Sign One Before Giving Them Your Email

E-Nup – When giving out our email addresses we should require people to take an oath promising to refrain from forwarding anything that evokes guilt, fear of bodily harm, or doesn’t mesh with our personal humor requirements. THIS IS WHY…

Of all the things that annoy me about email, people who incessantly insist I need a larger penis, need Prozac or Cialis, and I should be getting said drugs from Canada, the worst offender is the email chain letter. What’s worse is how I handle receiving them — Yes, I erase them right away. Not just because they’re junk mail but because, as ridiculous as it sounds, there’s a part of me that feels that once I’ve read one of those things, the clock has started. How the universe is somehow connected to my AOL account, is a mystery, but a powerful one.

Some chain letters go so far as to mention G-d. The idea that The Almighty is busy checking my inbox and confirming that I have forwarded the mail to the specified amount of people, in the allotted amount of time, seems like a stretch. Yet, there is this irrational side of me that’s like, “What if?” “What if G-d wants me to pass on this sentimental poem about growing up in the 80’s?”

Yesterday, I got one of those emails. In the subject box it read, “Sorry, I Had To. “ I have to say, if your subject is an apology for sending an email in the first place, rethink pushing that FORWARD button. This particular one was a message to empower women, yet to reap the true empowerment you were required to forward it to 9 of your “Sista’s.”

The list of recipients was 50 scroll-downs long. Apparently, Sista’s, hopeful at the thought of being empowered by diligently following the rules set by the email creator (probably a snickering man) were passing this thing around the globe.

This irks me even more because, I spend my days trying to disseminate relatable, humorous stories that look at the lives of moms, women and gen x-ers and here’s some poorly written warning – that actually refers to women as Sista’s – and it’s more popular than my well thought out, hilariously funny, albeit poignant articles.

So I will apologize in advance for the rest of this post.

If you “Like/Share” this article on FB or Email this:

“OMG, Jenny from the Blog at The Suburban Jungle may be the most poignant humorist of our millennium, nay, Ever! You must read her observational humor and slice of life stories as I think they’ve cured my momnesia, plus my wrinkles are 63% less noticeable.”

to 75 of your closest friends within the next hour you will meet with great fortune. Your children will be smarter, your hair will be thicker, your boobs will be fuller, and you’re husband will have a 6 pack again (or for the first time)!

This may be a humor column, but it’s NO JOKE!

I had a paralegal look it over and she said it’s legit.

Just yesterday, a woman in Westchester sent this on to 75 of her friends and the minute she hit that button, she got a call from her Mother-In-Law saying they couldn’t make it over for dinner!!!

Need I say more?

Unfortunately, if you do not take this seriously, I must fear for your safety! A mother in Idaho who ignored this request, was shopping at a Gap later that day, and inadvertently smashed into the window trying to exit the store. She was not physically harmed, but she was extremely embarrassed.

I guarantee misfortune if you do not send this, because I will personally come out to your home or place of work and open fire. I have a moderately powerful Nerf gun that shoots like ten rounds, and those suctions cups can have a very strong stick factor. I could get one right between your eyes and then it would take a lot of spit and pulling to get it off. I don’t know for certain, but it could leave an unsightly mark! All I’m saying is think about it… $10 MILLION or my saliva all over your face?

Okay, tick tock……………………………………………………………………….

Hey Sistas – If you like my writing — share, share, share and share! Ooh, and subscribe to the blog! Ooh, and did I mention I got a show? Oh, and totally comment!

xo

J From the B

13 thoughts on “The eNup | Why People Should Sign One Before Giving Them Your Email

  1. Mom Off Meth

    Ahahahaha! That is hilarious. I’d forward it but I don’t want smarter kids because then I’ll be inferior, and I don’t care if my hubby has a 6-pack, because of the same reason. But I am a follower and I do like to comment!!!

    What’s worse for me is that the erectile dysfunction people got ahold of my CELL PHONE and I get random calls from Tennessee, (i.e.India) asking me if I would like to fill a prescription. What? Um…I don’t have a penis, and hubs and I are in separate rooms for now because he snores, so…as sad as it sounds, NO.

    Reply
  2. Julie Machado

    I love this!! Why is it that those stupid email forwards hold any power over anyone? Myself included, though I like you, delelte before I read them. Somehow reading them releases the bad mojo that they have the power to extend to you. The internet is supposed to make us smarter?? Right??

    Reply
  3. Bari

    Jen,
    You totally cracked me up. I am so guilty of passing on this crap! I’m turning a new leaf (it’s fall) so I’ll just say no to forward requests. If my luck turns sour and you see me homeless and on the street feel free to donate a loaf of bread or $10,000,000!

    Reply
  4. Amy

    Amen, Sista! I HATE chain letters with a passion. The next time I get one, I’m tempted to reply “You’re an idiot. Sorry, just HAD TO.”

    PS I get this weird error message from Comments Luv on your site – FYI:

    It appears that you are offline or another error occured contacting the API url, have you set it to use www or missed the www off the api url?? check the technical settings and add or remove www from the api url.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Amy I’m with you… but don’t start with my chain blog. I sent an email to the peeps at Comment LUv and I’m hoping to hear back… I couldn’t understand what you were talking about as I’m really internet stupid!!! but hopefully they can fix it. The point was obviously to allow people to share their sites, now I just seem like a bitchy woman messing with her readers mwahahaha.

      Reply
  5. Pauline Baird Jones

    I fear no email! I ruthlessly delete them! I’m sure it is a coincidence that my hubby has terrible luck.

    My current annoyance are: offers of sexy russian brides, perfect tortillas, the genie bra and riding wheel chairs. (In an odd twist, someone subscribed me to Four Wheeler Magazine.) The giant blueberries have finally tapered off. Not even sure what those were about and I don’t want to know.

    Great post and love the idea of an email pre-nup!

    Reply
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