Let’s Name Our Dog Butt Munch!

Let's Name Our Dog Butt Munch and Other Bad CallsMy children are in that phase where all words referring to bodily functions and private parts are hilarious. I call it the Beavis and Butthead phase, and I’m eagerly awaiting its passing. However, I’m not holding my breath, as it appears my husband never actually outgrew that phase himself. So, with that in mind, we were trying to think of names for our new puppy. I was throwing out the more traditional names like Max and Charlie when J, my 7yo said, “Let’s name him Gary or Phil.”

Okay, not where I was going, but a name nonetheless.

I replied, “How about Copper or Cinnamon?”

R, my 4yo daughter: “I have a great idea, how about Cinnamon Toast Weiner?”

All: Ha ha ha, lots of laughs.

OK, game on.

J: “How about Tushie-Face?”

R: “Hee hee, good one.”

Minutes went by and R came running across the park screaming for all the other families to hear, “Listen listen, we should name our dog Vagina.”

J: “Yeah, yeah, we’d be like, ‘Come hear Vagina. Sit Vagina.’”

I was making every attempt NOT to give this discussion too much attention, but the attention we were getting from the other families wondering why my boy is practicing calling a vagina was making me moderately uncomfortable.

“Could we keep this conversation down just a little bit?” I said, then went on to suggest more realistic names.

I know I’m a party pooper. (Hee Hee…I wrote pooper.)

I’ll tell you who isn’t a  party pooper,  my husband.

Hubby: “I know – we should name it Penis, and then when people say, ‘Jake what are you doing?’ you could say, ‘Oh, I’m just playing with my Penis.’”

Mind you this is a concept a 7yr old would not come up with on his own volition, but it didn’t take long for him to catch on.

J: “Yeah…Hey hey hey, listen. I could say ‘I just taught my Penis to fetch.’”

All, but me: HEHEHEHE HAW HEW HAW HAHA – and tear filled laughter. (I held mine in as the family nearest to us moved their stuff about 20ft. away.)

R: “That’s not fair, ‘cause I don’t have a penis, I have a hiney.”

Taking R’s penchant for the word vagina into consideration, I decide this was the wrong time for an anatomy lesson.

My husband finally aware of the wrong turn this conversation had taken, reeled it in by suggesting a name we could really use: Butt Munch. (Ah, the ever popular with the pre-teen 1980’s set, Butt Munch.)

This idea sparked tons of laughter and affirmation. First of all, my children had never been exposed to this term, so they found a special joy in both it’s profanity and it’s originality. Yes, they beamed with pride, as if their father, king of the potty mouths, had just coined it. Secondly, they liked the way it just rolled so easily off of their tongues. “Butt Munch. Come here Butt Munch. Sit Butt Munch. Bad Butt Munch.”

R: At the top of her lungs, “J you’re a Butt Munch.”

J: “No R, you’re a Butt Munch.”

Me: “No Daddy’s a Butt Munch.

Thanks Mark!

Mark: “Please, they could be saying much worse.”

Me: “Perhaps you should teach it to them. Jake doesn’t know mother f@cker maybe you could remedy that right here at the park.”

So, for the last two weeks J has told everyone willing to listen that R wanted to name our new dog Vagina, and R now uses Butt Munch as a verb, noun, and adjective, sometimes in the same sentence. My friend Susan asked her if she was ready to go home the other day and she replied, “No way, Butt Munch.”

I’m so proud.

PS We brought our dog home a couple of days ago, and though R is still calling him Butt Munch, we as a family went with the more traditional, Ass Face. I hope she comes around.

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Other stories by Jenny: 40 Things Every Woman Should Have or Should Know By 40

28 thoughts on “Let’s Name Our Dog Butt Munch!

  1. Cherie

    This is definitely the funniest yet. I haven’t stopped laughing and I’m at work, everyone wants to know why I’m in hysterics, with tears rolling down my eyes. I can just picture the whole scenario, not that I haven’t already had the pleasure of hearing it first hand. At least its the dog being defamed, although he’s too cute for that kind of treatment.

  2. Sherri

    If my memory serves me correctly, not too long ago you would have been the first to offer up those names :-). Very funny story!!! By the way, Ass Face is an adorable dog!!!!

  3. Rebekah

    That’s the funnest thing I have read in a long time!! Thanks for reminding everyone that our families aren’t the only ones that have conversations about poop, body parts and boogers! Made my Monday!

  4. Bob

    I can see you at the park now with Ryan calling the dog: “Ass Face! Get over here! At least with Butt Munch you can shorten it to just Munch. When people ask, just say the dog’s named after Richard Belzer’s character from “Homocide: Life on the Street.”

  5. Alison

    Oh sweetie—unfortunately I am so with Jake, Ryan, and Mark on this one—as per my 25 random things about me!!!! I think that all of those names are appropriate and the Jenny I knew would never had shied away from some stuck-up vaginas in a park…no way, no how. Oh sorry I have to run and take Cunnilingus for a walk!!!

    Love ya—and always love the laugh!

  6. Alison

    p.s. Butt Much—Mother Funcker—Cunnilingus is the cutest pup ever!!!! Congrats and give him some smooches for me!

  7. Barry

    It’s good to see a fathers participation, raising the kids. Maybe a little
    Less would be better, naming the dog. U think? The article was great. Everyone in starbucks thinks I’m a little nuts. Tanner might be a name more appropriate for the dog. Much more dignified than Potty Heads or the chldrens choices. Funny, funny, funny.

  8. Jen

    Ahh, one along the lines of my dog’s name when I was young…shit head. Or hoser. Or hose head. Too many viewings of Strange Brew… Kids these days – where are they NOT learning such things?! 🙂 They probably haven’t even heard of Cornholio or Ren & Stimpy’s “Log.”

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  10. nancy

    I am just happy to see that you are still attentive to the vocabulary lessons for your children but I did feel there was a lack of fart references in this posting.

  11. Bari


    You’re hysterical! I always named my dos really wild things Mike, Sam and Andy. Butt Munch sounds moe realistic if you ask me….can’t all dogs do that?
    By the way does Jake have “heinie envy”?

  12. Momma Sue

    I could hardly finish reading this last one out loud to my hubby. Tears are streaming down both of our faces and we had to shut the door before we woke the kids back up, we were laughing so hard. We are hooked. Keep em’ coming. Hugs to B.M.

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  14. Bill Kenny

    Funny story and your youngest child, your husband is my hero. But? But? What about the puppy’s feelings? He doesn’t want to be called Butt Munch! The other dogs will make fun of him and point tails and bark things behind his Butt Munch!

  15. barbara

    Thank you I needed that laugh!It brought back many memories too.I am looking forward to when my grandsons do this to my sons.. Payback is being a grandma!

  16. Maureen

    I love, love, love your story and your ability to communicate your family’s love and humor. Sadly, your incorrect use of the word “it’s” when it should be “its” throws me off. Would this link help? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe You are otherwise an excellent writer! Please keep
    sharing. 🙂 Thanks for the laughs.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      This post was written a couple years ago, you know, before editing was invented. I’m actually the WORST editor of all time, which is why I love when I do my columns for mags and online sites and someone does it for me!!! Clearly they don’t edit at Yahoo, as I’m sure there was a myriad of mistakes in the cat/dog piece. XO 😛

    2. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Oh I hate that so much when other people do it and yet, it completely miss it when I do! Its one of those things where I dont pay asmuch attention to my writing as to other poeples. I just read it the way it should be read and miss all misstakes. Im’ glad you liked the post and I am working on it. xo

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