I always marvel at how Google seems to know exactly what I’m thinking, no matter how unusual. I’ll start a question with a single word like, “Is…” and it will finish my thought to completion.
A couple months back, I saw an update on Facebook that read: “Put the words ‘I’M SCARED OF’ in a Google search box and see what comes up. I figured they’ve read my mind in the past so, why not? I mean, the answer is sure to be “snakes that come out of the toilet,” right?
So, I wrote “I’m Scared of” in the little box – and Google finished my sentence with this: “Chinese People.” Yep, “I’m scared of Chinese people,” was the top search starting with those words.
Just to clarify, that was not the phrase I was looking for — If Google said “I’m scared of Chinese people holding snakes in my bathroom,” maybe, but I am not scared of Chinese people.
I hope that’s not offensive to Chinese axe murderers, Chinese Mafioso AKA Triad (found it in a Google search), Chinese gang members, Chinese chefs (What? Have you not seen what they do to rabbits?), or any other Chinese person who takes pride in being sinister. Frankly, you’re the last people I’d like to offend.
Now that we’ve cleared the air, and we’re all safe from easily offended Chinese criminals and chefs, I thought I’d start typing in other phrases simply to see what screwed up things people are searching for, as it appears Google doesn’t always read my mind. I was rewarded with this (thank you Google):
Query: “HOW TO BECOME…”
1. …a millionaire
2. …a notary in Florida
3. …a vampire
Wow, apparently notaries in Florida do shockingly well. If you don’t live in Florida, the whole Vampire thing is a great back up, as I imagine eternal life leaves years to amass quite a fortune.
It’s disheartening to think about how many people are looking into becoming anorexic, but I imagine many of those same people are also searching how to become a vampire (have you ever seen a fat vampire?) So, that’s a good thing because clearly they have other options. Also, it would be interesting to know if most notaries in Florida are thin, as well as wealthy.
Query: “DO YOU EAT…”
1. …the rind on brie?
2. …spiders in your sleep?
3. …the skin on salmon?
4. …pomogranite seeds?
It seems odd that the spider question would beat out the others and yet, the truth is, I know the answers to the other 3: you can, you can, and you can, but have no clue whether you eat spiders in your sleep.
In fact, I was intrigued enough to look into the spider thing, because holy shit, if “Do you eat spiders in your sleep?”* is a top search, then I’m guessing you probably do, and the only thing I hate eating more than salmon skin, is spiders.
Query: “I DON’T LIKE BEING…”
3. …a mom
4. …handed things
Not sure if you noticed, but these responses seem to be linked. If we could just stop the touching, the rest would fall into place for the people Google searchers.
Frankly, I love most of the above, except being handed things. Unfortunately, being a mom most certainly exacerbates that particular pet peeve. No one hands me things more than my children — snotty tissues, half eaten food, banana peels, chewed gum, wrappers, shoes… and usually while I’m driving, peeing, sleeping, or showering.
By the time I finally settle in to bed, and my loving husband kindly brings me a glass of water, but holds it out for me to grab, I’m all “Put the freaking water on the nightstand, why must I take it from your hand? Oh, and thanks.” (See honey, it’s not you, I’m just taking it out on you, for a change.)
*Oh, you wanted to know what I found out about the spiders? No, you most likely do not swallow spiders in your sleep, though it is possible. Maybe, like one or two in your lifetime, which still kinda sucks for us… and spiders.
PS I looked up “I’M SCARED” again, and “Chinese people” was replaced with “toasters,” which I think is a more valid phobia. I mean, toasters are certainly the scariest counter-top appliance I can think of. Well, after the blender, and the food processor, and the electric can opener (ooh they’re bad), and the microwave — but then toasters, definitely. If a Chinese person fought a toaster, I think it would be a pretty even battle. Assuming the toaster was on an extension cord… obviously.
PPS I was truly elated to see that people are less fearful of the Chinese than they were a couple months back — I’m sure there was a good PR campaign that occurred somewhere in the interim to take care of that issue, much to the dismay of toasters.
PPPS So I looked up the words “CHINESE PEOPLE” to check out their PR campaign, and the phrase, “Chinese People Eat Babies” was number 3. Though, admittedly, I think this was a bad distraction marketing ploy, I must warn parents (just in case): Do not take these searches lightly — the next time you take your little ones for dim sum, make sure they’re strapped tightly into their highchairs!