Divorce is the New Marriage | the Suburban Jungle

Divorce is the New Marriage

Well, why shouldn’t it be?  I mean marriage has been “in” for quite some time now.  I remember a whole slew of celebs at the altar, littering my Star Weekly, and my Us with photos of beachy weddings (where planners logged a bazillion hours trying to make the wedding seem as if it was casually put together impromptu) and high end weddings (where planners spent a bazillion hours making sure it looked like they spent a bazillion hours.)  Either way, it was a waste of my ability to read, as we all knew these marriages would end in divorce.  But, they fooled me… I think they fooled us all.  These couples, prevailed against the odds.  On top of the traditional Hollywood couple obstacles they triumphed against extenuating circumstances  —  May-December romances like Ashton and Demi, and Madonna and Guy.

Quirky, unlikely pairs like,  Courtney and David, and Jordan Bratman and Christina.  Gay/straight work marriages: Rachel Zoe and her assistant Brad and Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves (look, a split is a split even if the relationship was based on split ends.)

These are couples that tweeted in the face of poor probability.  After the marriage trend took hold, everyone in Hollywood was pregnant.  Yep, “with child” was the new “in rehab.”  and the “baby bump” replaced the “crotch shot.”  I remember having my second child along with all these celebs.  Oh, the prenatal yoga classes we shared, the Lamaz secrets we told.  Ok, I was just watching them on Regis and Kelly, but it felt like we were doing it together.  When my water broke and my husband refused to drive me the 3000 miles to cedars-Sinai, I realized he may not have been Mr. Right after all.

Then of course we all had kids together.  I read their responses to parenting in People and on PageSix.  I imagined “Mommy and Me” with Kingston, and Kyd, Gymborie with Maddox, and Ryder, and who could leave out Kindermusik with Apple, and Pilot Inspektor?  My son was originally named Jake, but we quickly changed it to Beaf Bolognee to gain entrance to this exclusive celebrity baby club.

Then of course, “adopted” became the new “biological,” when people with perfectly good uteruses started adopting and kidnapping children from other countries, but it was important to adopt from as poor of a country as one could find.  For instance, British orphans were completely off limits from 2004-2010.  So, my husband and I, always on trend, we adopted our son, “Sun” from a small 5th world country called Kytictyntannia, it’s hard to spell as it’s usually pronounced in a clicking language, though it can also be said with a bongo, but since no one in Kytictyntannia can afford a bongo it’s rarely said that way.
But now, it appears it’s time for all of us trend keepers to end our wedded bliss.  I guess all our celeb counterparts are simultaneously feeling the 7 year itch.  But, enough with the 10 cent psychobabble; there are more important things to do, like make awkward misplaced confessions on Howard Stern, and to invite other women into our marriages.


16 thoughts on “Divorce is the New Marriage | the Suburban Jungle

  1. Rach

    I missed these kinds of articles. You don’t do them enough! I know you’re busy with newsy stuff, but we want more!!!

  2. Beth

    I’m with Rach, you crack me up, but it’s true I remember when it was all about the crotch shot. What a low time in pop culture huh?

  3. Bari

    This was really funny. People outgrowing their marriages keeps me in the therapy business. Judging from the baby names, I’m not sure if it’s the marriage or the divorce that drives people nuts! Better not to be a cliche!

  4. Pingback: marriage trouble

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