Conversations with Produce | How to Handle Ornery Oranges

On my way back from a recent trip to Whole Foods, I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid for. My grapes were imported from from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocado from Argentina.

It dawned on me that my fruit is worldlier than I am!  So, I thought we could kill some time while stuck in traffic by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing.

The grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what would you expect? They went on to warn me about their country. “Ay dios mio, jou don want to go to Chile. It may mean cold en Ingles, but esta muy caliente . Also, jou should remember to wash us bueno. We may be organic, but jou have no idea how much bug poop jour eating.”

“Wow that was overly informational Grapes, I’m glad we spoke.”

The oranges were not so pleasant. One cantankerous orange spoke from my biodegradable sack made of recycled hemp or some such product and  said, “You call yourself a conservationist!?”

“What do you mean?”

“You live in Florida and you just bought oranges from South Africa! How do you sleep at night?”

“So, you’re a ‘Greenie’” I should have guessed, you being organic and all. Well, I will have you know whenever I see an empty plastic bottle I throw it in my SUV and drive 3 miles out of the way to take it to a collection site. You can’t say I don’t do my share.”

“Yeah? And I bet you leave your car running while you drop it off.”

“Well, of course I do, it’s super hot in Florida. Or, as your bag mates would say, muy caliente.”

“Waster!”

“Orange”

I know, not so creative, but it’s hard to think of a good comeback to fruit.

I continued, “It appears the history of unrest in your country has caused you to become bitter. In addition, I don’t appreciate your tone, Orange. Sheesh, I was just trying to make polite conversation. That is the last time I talk to produce!”

Later that day, I got my revenge on that sour orange. First, I sliced him in half, and then I squeezed him to a pulp. Next, I peeled off his skin and ate his carcass.  I made his friends watch, and then set them free, so they could send a message to other sour citrus.  (What, it worked for Keyser Söze)

Between this post and “Camp Phone Calls Could End my Marriage,” I feel I may be ordered into anger management.

By day I’m a lifestyle expert, by night I write false facts on Wikipedia.  The blog is gaining steam, so if you like it please take a sec to share it and check out the right side for RSS, bookmark, email, and newsletter sign-ups.  Sooo appreciated, if I can grow this thing I can stop screwing up kid’s reports.

xo

-Jenny From the Blog

 

21 thoughts on “Conversations with Produce | How to Handle Ornery Oranges

  1. Lola

    For some reason this conversation with your produce reminds me of that film we all had to watch in “health” class where the hot dog came to life and starts talking to a stoned kid. What I’m trying to say is that I’m here for you when it’s time for an intervention.

    By the way? LOVE the photo!

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I love those old videos. What the hell were they trying to teach us. I remember watching one in sex ed and being sure that one could get pregnant through a pair of jeans. Nice work talking hot dog! PS the Pic is my favorite part!!!

      Reply
  2. Candice

    Weird, but to be expected! Getting a little personal now…actually admitting you speak to fruit! But none the less, made me laugh!! What’s next?

    Reply
  3. Carla

    I have some patients that speak to inanimate objects. There’s a seat available in their group therapy. Care to join?

    Honestly, this was one of your best works yet!

    Reply
  4. Tara

    Reading the aftermath of your Whole Food shop was the highlight of my morning. So funny it competes with the Manicure; I thought your Best. Your writing gets better and better. “Talking to Fruit ? ” I can’t imagine your next topic. Can’t wait.

    Reply
  5. denee

    I WANT YOU AT MY FAMILY THANKSGIVING GATHERING – By the end of the day I’m guessing they’ll rethink their idea of how twisted MY mind is!! I’m going to go ahead and polish my angel wings now. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Mom

    Really, anger management is my solution. Although,I may have damaged you as a kid, by cutting all those faces in your oranges . You really do think they talk. Keep them coming. This one started my day in a good mood and a smile on my face.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I do remember those smiley faces and I loved them. It made it easier for the fruit to give me answers on the tests I was taking. That fruit gave me many an A. As everyone knows, oranges are the smartest fruit.

      Reply
  7. Lola

    Ok, I know I’m a bit slow but I JUST noticed that I’m listed here as one of the “Funny and Creative” crew! What an honor! Thank you, Kind Lady!

    Reply
  8. Pingback: Feel Your Boobies or Else I Will | Jenny From the Blog presents . . . . The Suburban Jungle

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