7 Tips For People Who are Sick Of Weight Loss Tips!

skinny tipSeriously, if I have to see another weight loss article with excess alliteration in the title and a list of daunting tips and suggestions that no busy woman has the time nor organizational skills to tackle, I’m going to vomit: Re-Modeling your Muffin Top, 600 Ways to Whittle Your Waistline, How to Teach Your Tummy Taut.

We all know HOW to get rid of the fat, and you don’t need to be some kind of gut guru or stomach swami to realize the solution is this: Put down the donut.  Go to the gym.  Be less stressed and get more sleep.

There. I’ve just told you everything weight loss secret you’ll need to get skinny and svelte.

You’re welcome.

So what are you waiting for?

Have you lost any yet?

No?

How about now?

Still no?

Sheesh, you’re lazy!

Oh, right, you have a life and you’re busy.  What, you work, you have kids, and they have busy lives too?

What a bunch of complainers!

Yes, we can cut back on carbs and get in what exercise we can, but this is no small undertaking and I find it pretty discouraging when articles treat major alterations in our daily lives like they’re simple equations and can be casually manipulated at whim.  So, with that in mind, here are some ideas I have about Taming your Tummy.  But before we start, let’s put down the Bear Claw, shall we?

  1. SPANX SQUARED (sure that’s the name of the brand Sponge Bob’s wife would wear, but I simply mean this): Wear Spanx – ahem – double Spanx.  You may have an excruciating belly ache, but your tummy will be flat and so will your appetite, as the violent stomach cramping will make you less likely to eat.
  2. HANG WITH HEAVIES: Find people who are at least 50 pounds heavier than you and make them your new besties.  Just don’t show them this article.  Oh, and bake them tons of cookies, so you don’t have to find new friends again.
  3. START TRENDS: Become obsessed with stripes and dark clothing. Even if your friends think you look like a cross between Where’s Waldo and Richard Lewis, the results will be slimming and if the stripes are tight enough, possibly disorienting. Either way, you’ll look thinner — goal accomplished.
  4. COLOR COORDINATE YOUR INTAKE: Only eat foods that are purple. Look, there aren’t that many purple foods, so short of barbecuing Barney, I think this is fool proof. Oh, and when it does work, see how many friends jump aboard the “PURPLE PLAN,” look out Atkins… and Barney.
  5. HELP THE SICK: Bring them soup, keep them company, play board games with them… and give them a big ol’ hug. Of course, I’m speaking strictly of those with violent stomach viruses. Sure, helping the non stomach virus sick people could make you feel good, but ask yourself an important questions: How much time do you really have to help the sick people that WON’T help you lose weight?
  6. TELL EVERYONE ELSE AND YOURSELF TO CHILL: Seriously, the pressure we put on ourselves is the number one road block to accomplishing our goals.  Take a deep breath, close the magazine/browser, give the hubby a surprise schtup, try not to eat off your kids’ plates and take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Your psyche, hubby, kids, and elevator operator will thank you.

Related Posts For SmartBeautyGuide.com where I give tackleable tips (with a bit of snark):

  1. The Low Down on Medium to High Grade Peels
  2. Is it True: You Could Soon Get Botox WITHOUT an Injection?

5 Brilliant Ways to Treat the Why Me Epidemic

Case of the why me

So, last night at a friend’s house, I watched her son opened an awesome Nerf bazooka gun that shoots like 600 bullets at the same time. He was having a tough day, he was exhausted and then the gun had the nerve to break.

“Why me,” he screamed as he threw himself on his bed, arms splayed.

“Why me! Why me! I knew this bazooka wouldn’t work, I just knew it! Why do horrible things like this always happen to me? My friends’ Nerf guns work.”

He had a classic case… oh, I’ve seen it before, it’s pretty ugly. The question is, how does one catch this horrible illness and can we cure or prevent it?

THE CAUSE:

Here’s my take: As we — many of us helicopter/ over-protective / over-compensating / over-complimenting parents raise this next generation, we’re teaching them that they are truly the center of the universe. I am not judging, I am one of those parents – many of us are (to varying degrees). Many of us, myself included, have an internal struggle where we pit our need to ensure our children’s happiness against the knowledge that attempting to provide these things for them 24/7 will probably inhibit their ability to do anything for themselves… EVER!

OK, I’m not a therapist, but I see one regularly, which means I’m totally qualified to say these things. Wait, it doesn’t? So, I should stop calling my friend who once played a Doctor in a Prilosec commercial for advice on my IBS? Whatever…

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Awkward V-day Moments With The Kids

I Want to Puke of Love and Other V-Day Inappropriateness After Having KidsThis is still one of my favorite V-Day moments (awkwardness, inappropriateness, and fear for my safety aside).

On February 14th a few years back, Ry, my daughter, then 5 years old, trotted into my room to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day, to hand me a stunning hand-made card, and to neck. 

Sure, they tell you not to make-out with your kids, but sometimes there’s a fine line between so cute and so scary. 

What parent doesn’t secretly love it when their child says they want to marry them (assuming they’re too young for marriage at the time)? I mean, for how many more years are they going to want to hug, snuggle, or hold hands?

“This card is sooo beautiful. Come give Mommy a kiss,”  I said in a very innocent non-romantic way. 

Ry, maybe wanting to show me the magnitude of the holiday, grabbed my face with both hands and planted the biggest soap opera smooch on me. I started to giggle mid-peck… 

“Ummm, okay cutie,”  I said feeling partly amused and partly violated. Continue reading

What Those V-Day Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage Edition

What Sweetheart Candies SHOULD Say After a Few Years of MarriageI’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing.   Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

YOU WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?

I’M PREGNANT … PSYCHE

R THOSE UR TOENAILS? Continue reading

Things Gen X ers Did Growing Up That Would Being Considered Insane Now

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things we did as gen xers

Growing up a Gen X ‘er, I can distinctly recall being allowed to do all kinds of things we would find crazy today. Like roaming the streets of our neighborhood for hours with no way of being contacted. No cell phones, or tracking devices on our backpacks or implanted in our brains (do they have that yet?). Nowadays they’d call that grounds for a CPS visit, back then, we called that Monday. Not only were our parents OK with these freedoms, they encouraged them. Did they not love us? Did they not care? Were they that hard up for a few minutes of peace that they would risk our lives?

Most the adults I know now would be vehemently against such insane acts, myself included. In fact, being unreachable by cell phone could push us straight into panic mode. Here are a few things we did as kids, which make me wonder how we survived. Today they’d get someone arrested or at least get your house taken off the play-date circuit…

Safety Shmafety

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