The Water Retention Is Diluting My Sanity

How to retain fluids and bloat up, FAST cont…

WEEK 6

My fingers are so fat, I had to dictate this. I also had to order one of those large number phones for the visually impaired, a clapper, and a medic alert necklace in case I fall and can’t… I’m scared. The fluid retention may have water logged my brain and I fear I have officially lost it. I am babbling to myself and cannot walk across the house without a nap. I tried to cut down on salt and substitute it with garlic as was recommended by VirtualDoctor.com to even blood pressure. I ate 2 whole cloves last night.

WEEK 6 -day 2

I brushed my teeth and tongue 27 times. My tooth brush is too short. The garlic is rising from my intestines and oozing from my pores. My closest friend asked that I back up when speaking, I was down the aisle from her to begin with. I told her I needed to apologize to the sales lady for having no idea what I was looking for and she suggested I apologize for talking to the sales lady in the first place.

I warded off three vampires,or were they more sales people? I don’t know, they ran so fast in the other direction, I just assumed they were vampires. One was working the register I was at and actually turned into a bat and flew away shrieking.

I cannot take it anymore.  I must get away from myself. In the carpool line I went crazy and started swallowing Altoids whole with the hopes that they would dissolve in my stomach and take care of the guttural odor, at the source. First, I swallowed a half, then I started thinking, ‘What have I done? I don’t know if it’s safe to just swallow an Altoid without chewing it.  They are curiously strong.’

Me: “No, that’s silly, it’s fine. People accidentally swallow gum and mints all the time, it just takes 7 years to digest, but they survive. Just shove the other two in your mouth and be done with it.”

So I did and before I could talk myself out of it, I washed them down with coffee.

Me: “Holy shit. What did I just do? I swallowed more, and with coffee no less, a stimulant. What if they’re like Poprocks and my stomach explodes?”

Me: “That never really happened, or did it? I don’t know for sure. My stomach is feeling a bit sour. Should I drink some ipecac?”

Me: “No by the time I get out of carpool line they will already be absorbed into my blood stream. Maybe I should call someone and tell them what I’ve taken, so they can inform the paramedics when the ambulance arrives.”

Still Me: “This is ridiculous Jenny, could you imagine if people just died from swallowing mints? You would hear about it. It would be on 60 Minutes or the news. Whew.”

Me: “Wait, I don’t watch 60 Minutes or the news. I only watch Cartoon Network, HBO and reality TV.. Fuck, I’m screwed”

Me: “No, you would have gotten one of those mass emails warning you about swallowing mints, like microwaving saran wrap, or using plasticware with the numbers 4,6, or 7. Whew.”

Me: “Maybe I’m the first person to swallow so many Altoids and wash them down with coffee. You have to admit it’s a bit random. Why would any sane person like myself do that?”

Me in a British Accent: “Pip pip and all that… Don’t worry luv, all will be splendid. Now, let’s have a spot of tea, shall we?”

Me: “I’d love to.  You French people make every idea sound smart.”

12 thoughts on “The Water Retention Is Diluting My Sanity

  1. Mike

    I’m surprised that one of the reality shows hasn’t had a “fear factor” event eating garlic and Altoids.

    You keep me laughing. Thanks.

    Reply
  2. Cherie

    You have finally lost it!!! I’m calling the loony bin to come get you. If you see the men in white coats, they’re just there to pump your stomach. Tee Hee. I’m rally worried about ya, Luv. You know I can’t speak in a British accent. Keep em coming and pretty soon I’ll need to join you.

    Reply
  3. Julie

    It’s now obvious the dangers of combining, carpool, altoids, and coffee. you’ve definitely lost it but can still make your readers laugh at and with you.

    Reply
  4. Pingback: Anonymous

  5. Insanitykim

    I eat 25 Altoids after my 12 shot latte in the morning, and I am still here…

    However if I stand up too fast I can’t see, my tongue goes numb, as do my hands, and I can’t hear anything, for like, 15 seconds.

    Only the latter statement is true, unfortunately.

    Reply
  6. Jamie

    “still me” line very funny! One piece of advice…maybe you should add listening to your home answering machine to your list (in case someone has something important to tell you.) Then you won’t have to worry about 60 Minutes or the News. Hint Hint!

    Reply

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