How To Retain Fluids And Bloat Up Fast.

Last month I had a scary episode. I was driving and out of nowhere I felt like I was about to lose consciousness. I was luckily in a parking lot. First, I debated if I should just put the car in park out of fear that I would pass out and glide into something. Then, I spotted an open space, sideswiped a pedestrian that then gave me the bird, and quickly parked.

My mind was racing, “Something is wrong, people don’t just pass out.” I called my husband unlocked my doors, so he could get to me, and searched for something to eat. I shoved a lollipop in my mouth… nothing. I was hanging on by a thread, when I saw my daughter’s morning sippy cup of milk. I sucked out the milk as fast as I could and after a rush of boiling heat radiated through my body, the feeling slowly eased. After a meal during which I was barely lucid, I told husband I was okay to drive myself to the doctor, which by the way took very little convincing. Thanks Mark.

Now let me tell you a bit about my Doctor. He is a Jewish Jamaican with a strong accent and the stereotypical laid back attitude you would expect of people who use the word irie, though he does not. I go to him because I am too big of a hypochondriac to go to someone high strung. When I arrived I found him outside taking a smoke break, he rolls his own, so there’s no telling what it was.

“Ello luv, I see you got yer pretty self all worked up. I don’t mean to trow the book at ya, but yer blood pressure is very low… too too low. Yer passin’ out cause yer not getting enough oxygen to yer brain daarlin’.

“That actually explains some other issues.”

“Well, ya got ta take care of dis yerself, cause yer not gonna like the medcine I’d ‘ave to put ya on. Now go to the store and buy everyting wid salt. Get some matzoh ball soup and put extra salt init, put salt on yer salt. Everyting you been taught, ferget it. Rememba ya need tons of fluids, ‘cause ya ‘ave to retain ‘em.”

“What about water?”

“Water? No. That’s terrible fer ya, that just washes the sodium away. I prefer you ‘ave a coke, that ‘as yer, salt yer caffeine, and yer sugar. It’s the perfect drink fer yer ‘ealth.”

“Yes, I believe that’s their campaign slogan. Drink Coke, It’s Perfect For Your Health.”

“OK then, I love ya daarlin. ‘Ave a space cake fer the road.”

Did I mention he takes his appointments in a small shack? I’m totally kidding, it’s more of a trailer.

So, if I want to stay awake, I must retain water and eat and drink crap, and if I want to stay thin, I must pass out. Hmmm, well I certainly wouldn’t be the first person who passed out trying to stay thin. It is against everyting, sorry everthing, in me to purposely retain fluids. But apparently, this medicine is something I want to avoid so here goes.

WEEK 1- Filled pantry with pretzels, pistachios, popcorn, pickles, peppercorn jack, and Pepsi. I know, you’re thinking they all have… salt in them, and that’s why I got them.

WEEK 2- Ate and drank all of the above. Wide awake. Feelin’ gooood.

WEEK 3- Feeling sluggish. Fingers pruning… Must have sweet, in need of a cupcake. I secretly busted a piñata at Ryan’s friend’s 4th birthday, and ravaged the remains. I blamed it on a little kid that teases Ryan, who just happened to be the birthday boy. Ahhh, sweet sweet revenge.

WEEK 4- Cannot look at another saltine. Putting MnMs in my soup instead of oyster crackers. Can no longer wear rings. Thighs are becoming too friendly with each other. Mission accomplished. Do I cry or cheer?

WEEK 5- Too bloated to cook. Can’t get fingers around pan handles. Oven mitts don’t fit. Had Mark install salt licks around the house for convenience. Lick them each time I waddle by. Will write more tomorrow, sausage fingers too swollen for keys.

14 thoughts on “How To Retain Fluids And Bloat Up Fast.

  1. Cherie

    Very cute. I guess, I must be on that diet, unbeknownst to me. What are you feeding me at your house. I blew up the other day and I don’t want to tell you what happened next. Keep um coming.

    Reply
  2. rach

    Jenny, I love this article!! Since we go to the same dr. I can totally see him saying that in just that way!! He is the best doctor, Even though you are not so keen on the side effects of your new eating habits! Oh and as a side note…do chloe and tanner share the salt licks wit cha??

    Reply
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  4. Insanitykim

    And here I was just gonna suggest that you were having a panic attack!

    If you just allow the panic attacks to take over, that will raise your blood pressure no problem…then you can go back to not eating.

    Just remember to breathe too…There is fluid and nutrients in the air, mixed in with the pollution, so if you breathe deeply enough around coffee shops and restaurants you’ll get enough sustenance to keep you going, and you will have smoked at least 3 cigarettes, which are GREAT for the figure…

    If you get tired of all those foods that start with a “p” just send them to me I’ll eat them…I can still eat anything I want and stay as thin as a baby elephant. Yeah, I know you’re jealous.

    Reply
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  6. Carol Tice

    Haha! I have low blood pressure too Jen…my favorite is to just make up some nice salty popcorn…yeah, it needs a little butter to make the salt stick on. Always seem to feel great after that!

    When I was in the hospital they’d always hook me up to the automatic blood pressure cuff and just take my pressure for hours on end, as they couldn’t believe it was really 80/60…but yeah, it is. And yeah, my ears do pound when I walk upstairs…but keep eating that salt. It’s better than HIGH blood pressure any day!

    Carol Tice
    http://www.caroltice.com

    Reply
  7. Leadie Jo Flowers

    Ok, I have to admit, you hit on a point in women’s lives that the advertising industry has seriously avoided. Having been in situations not quite like yours, but close enough I can sympathize, then I got the high blood pressure and it had to be reversed?!
    Now I would like to see the reverse story. Your too bloated and need to reduce.
    I will be watching for the next story.
    Thanks

    Reply
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  9. Anonymous

    Wait. It should say: Week 6: I am drinking more water (less soda), and reducing my sodium intake. If I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be writing this post!

    Reply

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