I vant to bite jour neck and suuck jour blud… blaaah!


So, I am reading the Twilight series.  I’m sorry did I say reading, I meant obsessed with as in, would be a  stalker of the main character if he were not A)  A Vampire B) Fictional.  Not exactly in that order.  What this says about me is that I am mentally stuck somewhere in high school, and living vicariously through this girl’s foray into a world of love and incredibly romantic, thoughtful, and charmingly chivalrous monsters.

As I left to go food shopping last night, I confronted Mark with my current grievance, as I felt it need to be addressed immediately.

“Mark, why can’t you be more like a Edward Cullen.”

“You mean a vampire?”

“No, I just want you to be obsessed with me in a, ‘Can’t take your eyes off me.  You would never let me get hurt,  Can’t live without me,’ kinda way.’

“Oh that, obviously.  Okay.  I can do that.  If there is a banana peal at Publix, I will swoop in and kick it out of the way so that someone other than you trips on it and you won’t even see me, but I will always be keeping you safe and never take my eyes off you.”

“Phew, that was easy.”

“Now, could you move a bit to the left.  I can’t see the game.”

So he fell off the wagon.  He’s rusty, it’s been a decade since he couldn’t take his eyes or his hands or his penis off me.  Frankly, the last one was getting annoying, especially in public.  But shock therapy cured that right quick.  The truth is,  once you say “I do,” your kinda old hat.  Well, not long after.

How much more obsessing and wooing is necessary,  I hate the saying but, “he bought the cow.”  It’s so hard to be a challenge when your married, I used to say things like, “yeah, well maybe I’ll have your kids.”  Now I say things like, “yeah, maybe I’ll get your laundry.”  Just trying to keep him on his toes.  One day I could say things like, “yeah, maybe I’ll tell you where I hid your teeth.”

Other tactics I use to threaten his security in our marriage include, picking fights over the dishes, pointing out the things he forgets and as is evidenced here, comparing him to fictional characters that are kind and sensitive, and confident, and funny, and don’t exist in real life and if they did they’d be gay anyway.

Today I had an uncomfortable experience at Starbucks and quickly texted him this:  “Hey, I burnt my tongue!  Where were you?!”

He texted thus:  “You didn’t see me?  I already treated that tongue wound.  Bet it’s feeling better now isn’t it?  You were hot last night…don’t forget Jake has practice today.”

Okay, he’s trying.  But, there were some errors which I pointed out in my next text:  “I like when you tell me I’m hot and remind me of a practice in the same sentence, talk about hot.  PS  I don’t know what you used, but my tongue hurts even more!”

To which he responded:  “Salt… short term it may be a bit more painful, but long term it will heal faster.”

Got to give him credit on that one.  I really had no idea he treated it, but it does seem to have healed nicely.  I think it was worth the extra pain… it feels so good I could even have soup tonight.

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19 thoughts on “I vant to bite jour neck and suuck jour blud… blaaah!

  1. Cherie

    Very cute, I chuckled in all the right places. It really is hard training them to be at your command. But as the years go by, he might even do the laundry for YOU, not because he needs a clean pair of underwear.

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  3. Alison

    It took you long enough to obsess over the Twilight saga! I read all four books in a matter of moments and let me tell you Andy (husband) was kinda jealous about it! Every time he came home my face was embedded in the pages and my eyes glued to every word. He definitely took the backseat to my obsession, but was thrilled when I was finally done reading them all! He was also thrilled by the fact that I stopped asking him every three seconds, “Why can’t you love me like Edward loves Bella?” In which he just shot me a look and laughed. At least Mark is trying to make you believe that you are the light of his life, Andy barely even acknowledges my pangs for romance!! Well anyway at least I have the literary world to keep my notions alive and well.

  4. Jennifer

    You are going to be so sad when you finish reading the series. I was depressed for weeks, but I did stop giving my boyfriend dirty looks every time I saw him and realized he was not Edward……
    My mom was thrilled when it was over, as I read all four books while we were on our mother-daughter vacation! For all I knew I was vacationing in Forks and my mom was not even there!

  5. admin Post author

    It’s so sad… I’m trying to read slower to ward off the impending depression of being done and not dating Edward anymore…

  6. Kristen

    I wasn’t so much disappointed that my HUSBAND wasn’t Edward as I was that NO ONE I EVER DATED was ever like Edward. I was at least as needy for protection as Bella and no one ever stepped up. And I didn’t realize they should have until I read about Edward. Maybe if there had just been vampires at my high school…

  7. Insanitykim

    Oh crazap.

    You’re into Ed too? Mr. Ed? Mr. Pale ale? Ugh…

    Every woman I know on the planet is trying to get me to watch the movie/read the books.

    What really bothers me is these books were written by a woman.

    See, if like, John Mayer wrote them, I might just read them. I have no desire to be wooed by a woman or her fictional characters. Ew.

    Shock therapy sounds great…

  8. Holly Bowne

    Now THAT was funny! And I too have been reading (a.k.a. obsessed) with the TWILIGHT series. I just finished the fourth book, turned to look at my hubby all bundled up in his favorite chair watching that goofy men-fighting show, and thought, “there must be a way I can turn this 22-year-old marriage into a Bella-Edward romance. Hmm. Maybe I’ll ask him to bite my neck…” 😉

  9. Holly Bowne

    Now THAT was funny! I’ve also been reading (a.k.a. obsessed with) the TWILIGHT series. I just finished reading the fourth book, turned to look at my adorable hubby all bundled up in his favorite chair, watching that goofy men-fighting show and thought: “There must be a way I can turn our 22-year-old marriage into an Edward-Bella romance? Hmm. Maybe I should bite his neck…” 😉

  10. faemom

    Great post! At least your husband is trying, mine rants about how it;s pedophila in disguise. Well, it would be If it weren’t FICTION. It was nice reading the books to remember a time when you were all caught up and goofy.

  11. pamela

    Awesome post! So very well written and hilarious!

    what is it with us moms and vampires? did you know we are called twimoms or something like that LOL

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