So, here’s the back story: I met an awesome Today Show producer at the Mom 2.0 conference a couple weeks ago and we totally hit it off (PS she co-wrote Sh*tty Mom, which you may have heard of, as it was a NY Times bestseller). Anyhoo, very funny chick and completely D2E (that’s Down to Earth).
I just made that up and I think it’s something a person who is not at all D2E would write, which makes me enjoy the irony in it.
Moving on … Tuesday I got an email from her saying they are looking for a humorist.
“Holy fuck, I know a humorist,” I responded … and my heart started to pound out of my chest (and continued to do so until morning of the shoot).
Within 16 hours I was on a plane. I’m pretty sure I could’ve put a defibrillator to good use, but all they offered me was a bag of peanuts.
By some miracle (and Xanax), I actually fell asleep in my hotel that night, even though I wanted to continue to memorize my anecdotes and sound bytes… and play out how I would react to Hoda and Kathie Lee.
(the squiggly lines are to imply this is how I laid it out)
I would make some comment that ended with “…and that’s why it’s important to wear pants, Hoda. I mean, am I right?”
Hoda would say “Hahahaha good one, Jenny.” and Kathie Lee would just laugh.
Then I would give them a chance to catch their breath before closing out the story with something like, “ain’t that a kick in the arse?”
Then I ran the whole scenario over again, except this time Hoda and Kathie Lee wouldn’t laugh at all, and I would have to quickly save face from my pant-less joke and say something profound and brilliant about pants and tailors.
(I had all the possible outcomes covered.)
In the morning I woke up pumped. Not nervous, but excited. I knew my shtick and my bits. It was all thought out and edited… and scrapped… and rewritten… and practiced to look natural, as if it was all off the cuff.
I toddled myself out of the room and walked six blocks with all my luggage in tow — like a real New Yorker. Well, If New Yorkers had to walk around with luggage, that is. Which they probably wouldn’t because they live there, so that’s a bad analogy because it actually me look like anything but a New Yorker.
I went to hair and makeup and chilled with some peeps…
The Sh*tty Mom (seen above), came and hung with me for the rest of the day. We laughed and of course invented a couple of items that will totally make infants look slutty. Like baby fishnets (and other things I can’t discuss without the proper patents).
And then came filming. I was so prepared, so ready. I walked onto the set and forgot all my preplanned blurbs, but luckily they came back to me and the segment took a totally off track turn and I got to use NONE of them.
In fact, if I’m being honest, I didn’t speak much at all. Buuuuut I wasn’t sucky and “not sucky” is a win. The doctor that was on with me had a lot to say on the subject and I let her roll with it, thinking this 1 preplanned question (where I would get to talk about how my 8yo called me a hooker) would definitely get asked, but it didn’t … and then it was over.
Like a flash.
No pant-less punchline, no hooker story, I didn’t even get to mention that Betty White taught my kids the word “slut.”
So my Sh*tty friend and I went to lunch and cheers-ed my taciturn Today Show debut!
Then I rushed to get my car which took me straight to JFK where I found out my flight was cancelled and I would need to turn back towards the city.
A 4 hour U-turn later I am here, at a new hotel writing this overly loquacious story.
The show will air Friday 5/24 between 10-11AM on NBC you should totally watch – but don’t blink or yawn or you’ll miss me.
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