In honor of April fools I want to say something to you insolent chumps! For years I’ve been writing this blog, biding my time for this very moment: APRIL FOOLS!!!
Yes, all these years you’ve come here looking for my observations on the ironies of life … oh, I’ll give you irony. I’ve completely duped you into thinking I’m just like you — a parent who can’t remember where I left my keys, nay, my kids … a quasi desperate housewife who may or may not make eyes at the pool guy, who can’t stand the way her husband leaves dishes by the sink, and who has ridiculous conversations with people while their nipples are showing (that happened more than once, hence the plurals).
You stupid saps. I am the best mother ever! I’m never frustrated or upset, sure, my kids are PERFECT so I don’t need to be, but even when people like you do annoying things, like make me wait in line to buy some overpriced latte or sick your snot ridden little kids on me, I don’t break a sweat. My husband is my BFFFFFFFFFF and Ever. He washes each dish before placing it in the sink and then runs the dishwasher with a separate hard water spot remover. In fact, he invented dishwashers, which is why we’re so rich and why I’m lying when I tell you that I consider the shampoo at hotels swag or how I’m obsessed with a good bargain. I insist on paying fulling price regardless of sales, always! Yes, I’ve written for little pay or recognition for many years simply to read your comments about how similar we are so that I make fun of you! (Oh and to waste the time of the trolls out there who like to tell me how untalented I am … who’s wasting their time now trolls???)
It’s taken hours of every day, maybe years off my life, and stopped me from making a real living, (which doesn’t really matter because my husband invented dishwashers), but regardless, it was all worth it to see the look on your face right now! Well, the look I imagine is on your face right now!!!
Consider yourself hoodwinked, hornswoggled, hoaxed (yes, I own a thesaurus). I know, good one, right?
PS I don’t own a thesaurus, I already knew those words, HA! Bamboozled twice in 6 years, you fools!!!!