Just When You Think You’ve Had One of the Most Awkward Conversations With Your Child – You Have This One

awkward conversationsThis is the shocking follow up to last week’s post, in which I regaled what I thought was one of the most awkward conversations – the one where I explained to  J, (my son who turned 12 the day after) what “motorboating” means (with mock demonstration). If you haven’t read that masterpiece yet, it’s a great point of reference, as I was pretty certain I could not be more uncomfortable until this happened…

After reading said article, Mark called me into our room laughing. “Jenny, I think the joke is on you. You don’t really think the kids in school are talking about ‘motorboating’ do you?”

Me: “Yeah, I do.”

Mark: “You’re so naive… I DIDN’T even know what ‘motorboating’ was… I’m pretty sure they were saying master-bating and he misunderstood. And I bet that’s what your readers thought.”

Me: “You are insane. I think he can tell the difference between the two words and even though you’ve never heard the term … ‘motorboating’ is a real thing people say to be funny.”

“Whatever, Jenny … I think this time you’re the one missing the joke.”

Then he proceeded to call in J.

“J, I heard how Mom taught you ‘motorboating,’ that’s funny.”

*laugh laugh* we all laughed (but while WE were laughing I was thinking, where exactly is this going?)

MarK: “Is it possible that you misheard the kids in school?” Mark continued to my dismay “Could they have been saying master-bating?”

J: “Ummm no, they were definitely saying ‘motorboating’ because they were making the noise Mom made … but I’ve heard that word too, what’s master-bating?”

This is about the time that the old conversation looked like having tea with the Queen. It took everything in me not to say, “Yeah Mark, tell us, what’s master-bating,” but I couldn’t because I had already gotten in my car and driven a mile from my house by the time J punctuated his question.

Actually, my hubby unlike me, was quick to shirk off the question (which means I’ll end up telling him or at least connecting the word to the act). He changed the subject and J left the room.

Me: “Nice move! Now we have to explain master-bating. Want to call him back in and see if he knows what a ‘pearl necklace’ is? Maybe a ‘dirty Sanchez’? Or how to ‘Superman That Ho’ … I mean why stop now?”

Mark: “Well, I guess you were right, it was ‘motorboating’ … live and learn.”

After threatening to give him a ‘frosted wallet’ (that’s a term I made up for divorce, maybe it’ll catch on) I went into J’s room and found him on YouTube (please don’t let this be a video of what I think it is).

Me: “Whatja watchin’?”

J: “Urban Dictionary’s list of terms and phrases every college student should know.”

(Is it weird that I was a bit proud, I mean, it’s the first thing I’ve really seen him study since entering middle school. I sat down just in time to see the end of  “Make it Rain”)

Me: “What’s ‘make it rain’?”

J: “That’s when you throw wads of cash at strippers or if you’re really rich you throw cocaine in the air at a nightclub, and yell, ‘I’m gonna make it rain up in dis joint'” he said in the matter of fact way he would tell me how to find a common denominator.

Me: “That’ll come in handy.”

Then I ran back to my room…

Me: “Well, Mark I hope you’re happy, now J knows a whole slew of new words that will definitely come in handy in 6th grade. Like ‘dweet’ he could be all “I’m so embarrassed, I dweeted you that picture of my penis, I was wasted.” Or maybe he’ll find better use for  ‘screwvenir’ like, “I kept Becky’s panties as a screwvenir.”

RELATED ARTICLE : Tween Boys Still Need Their Mommy’s, I Have Proof

7 thoughts on “Just When You Think You’ve Had One of the Most Awkward Conversations With Your Child – You Have This One

  1. Robin

    God I am loving this series of awkward conversations with 6th grade boys! I have one of my own at home and I now feel empowered to tackle it head on with grace and humor just like you. Thanks for the smile.

  2. sparkling74

    I could see where this was going from a hundred miles away. I was in the middle school for 17 years and I know they DEFINITELY know what motorboating is and they are definitely doing it. Usually not in the halls, but I rule out nothing. None of us are safe when we say “I didn’t even know about that in middle school!” They KNOW EVERYTHING. And they will talk about it so matter of factly it’ll put hairs on your chest. My friend taught 8th grade health and there was a sex education part. She would allow them to write questions they had on index cards and hand them to her and as long as they were using the proper terms for body parts, she’d read the question and answer it as best she could. She was constantly getting an education in slang. Thanks to the internet and cable, nothing is safe from their little, beady eyes.

  3. cherie

    You keep me laughing. Thanks. I am getting an education too!!! Didn’t know half those terms, maybe I should be looking them up on the internet as well, definetly not at work…

  4. Jules

    Having just had to explain to an 11year old boy what a strip club is, nothing surprises me now! I dread to think what else is being discussed in the school playground, and more to the point, how do kids this age know about this stuff?!

  5. nadene

    my son is 24 now but right before he started 6th grade we were driving down the road one day and he was all excited talking about going to middle school he said 6th graders were twinkies 7th graders were cupcakes and 8th graders were ho hos i start laughing and say your a twinkie without missing a beat he tells me to suck his cream filling of its own accord my hand rises up connects with his mouth and as his head ricochets against the car door i bring the vehicle to a stop on the side of the road turn to my child and said do you know what you just said to your mother with tears in his eyes he says thats what “they” told me to say when somebody calls me a twinkie i apologize for my reaction and tell him in the future when “they” tell him to say something come to me first tell me what “they ” said to say then tell me the rest and i will explain it to you any questions you have don’t talk to “they” come to me over the next 6 months there were many questions i still would love to find “they ” and bet them for moving my son and i closer to his adult hood but wait it gets funnier i try to keep things homourse so when discussing masturbation i referred it to playing with your twinkie till the cream filing erupts he understood that the end now picture 6 months go by we’re watching tv at my mothers a commercial comes on its a hostess ad the punch line is wheres the cream filling my child and i are rolling laughing moms asking whats so funny which makes us laugh harder (when i explained she did not see the humor at all) we still laugh about it to this day and every girl friend he has ever had and most of his guy friends have heard the story its a family favorite about growing up and the bond between him and i has never diminished

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