Altoids and Coffee a Deadly Combination?

This could be the 2000’s version of Pop Rocks and Coke!  Listen, if your head explodes, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

BTW – This is part deux to yesterdays piece on water retention and loss of sanity, but like any book from the Nancy Drew series, it can be read without going back to part 1… if you’re feeling super lazy.

WEEK 6

My fingers are so fat, I had to dictate this. I also had to order one of those large number phones for the visually impaired, a clapper, and a medic alert necklace in case I fall and can’t… I’m scared.

you try typing with these things!

The fluid retention may have water logged my brain and I fear I have officially lost it. I’m babbling to myself and can’t walk across the house without a nap. I tried to cut down on salt and substitute it with garlic as was recommended to even blood pressure by WebMD.com, which is virtually as good as asking any doctor.  I ate 2 whole cloves last night.

WEEK 6 -day 2

I brushed my teeth and tongue 27 times.

My tooth brush is too short.

The garlic is rising from my intestines and oozing from my pores. While in a store with my closest friend, she asked that I back up when speaking, I was down the aisle from her to begin with. I told her I needed to apologize to the saleslady for having no idea what I was looking for and she suggested I apologize for talking to the saleslady in the first place.

I warded off three vampires, or were they more salespeople? I don’t know, they seemed like blood suckers and were certainly giving me the hard sell… until I spoke and they nearly disappeared.  One was working the register I was at and she actually turned into a bat and flew away shrieking.

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the salesperson was not only a possible vampire, but also a muppet?

I can’t take it anymore.  I must get away from myself.

In the carpool line I did something crazy, well crazy if you’re a neurotic over thinker.  I started swallowing Altoids whole with the hopes that they would dissolve in my stomach and take care of the guttural odor, at the source.

Like anyone trying a new pharmaceutical I started by swallowed a half.   Then the crazy took hold.  Oh, no.  What have I done? I don’t know if it’s safe to just swallow an Altoid without chewing it.  They are curiously strong.

Me: No, that’s silly, it’s fine. People accidentally swallow gum and mints all the time, it just takes 7 years to digest, but they survive. Just shove the other three in your mouth and let’s take care of this problem.

So I did and before I could talk myself out of it, I washed them down with coffee.

Me: Holy shit. What did I just do? I swallowed more, and with coffee no less, a stimulant. What if they’re like Pop Rocks and my stomach explodes?

cartoons never lie. NEVER

Me: That never really happened, or did it? I don’t know for sure, I never saw Mikey again.  My stomach is feeling a bit sour. Maybe I should drink some ipecac?

Me: No by the time I get out of carpool line they will already be absorbed into my blood stream. Maybe I should call someone and tell them what I’ve taken, so they can inform the paramedics when the ambulance arrives… or the coroner.

Still Me: This is ridiculous Jenny, could you imagine if people just died from swallowing mints? You would hear about it. It would be on 60 Minutes or the news.

Me:  Phew!

Me: Wait, I don’t watch 60 Minutes or the news. I only watch Cartoon Network, HBO and reality TV.. Shit, I’m screwed

Me: No, you would have gotten one of those mass emails warning you about swallowing mints, like microwaving saran wrap, or using plasticware with the numbers 4,6, or 7.

Me:  Phew!

Me: But what if I’m the first person to swallow so many Altoids and wash them down with coffee? There has to be a first, right?  You have to admit it’s a bit random, swallowing Altoids with coffee, why would anyone do that?

Me in a British Accent: Pip pip and all that… Don’t worry luv, all will be splendid. Now, let’s have a spot of tea, shall we?

Me: I’d love to.  You French people make every idea sound smart.

26 thoughts on “Altoids and Coffee a Deadly Combination?

  1. cherie

    You have finally flipped your lid or should I say topper (in a british accent). I was laughing so hard, I drew a crowd. Keep it up.

    Reply
  2. Duncan

    Poprocks and Coke just makes a lot of foam. The foam gets all over the place and is a huge mess. No explosion. Just foam, everywhere.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      thanks for the info Duncan! I love foam, but more than that I love foam parties! How many can/bags of Pop Rocks and Coke do you think I would have to mix for a foam party? I wanna celebrate not dying from my other concoction.

      Reply
  3. Mike

    I’m surprised that one of the reality shows hasn’t had a “fear factor” event eating garlic and Altoids.

    You keep me laughing. Thanks.

    Reply
  4. Insanity Kim

    I eat 25 Altoids after my 12 shot latte in the morning, and I am still here…

    However if I stand up too fast I can’t see, my tongue goes numb, as do my hands, and I can’t hear anything, for like, 15 seconds.

    Only the latter statement is true, unfortunately.

    Reply
  5. Jules

    It’s now obvious the dangers of combining, carpool, altoids, and coffee. you’ve definitely lost it but can still make your readers laugh at and with you.

    Reply
  6. Duncan

    You would have to use 4 2-liter bottles of coke for every sqare foot of the room, for a foam party. Surprisingly, you would only need 1 package of poprocks. Sprinkle sparingly. : )

    Reply
  7. Jamie

    “still me” line very funny! One piece of advice…maybe you should add listening to your home answering machine to your list (in case someone has something important to tell you.) Then you won’t have to worry about 60 Minutes or the News. Hint Hint!

    Reply
  8. SaraBeth

    You have finally lost it!!! I’m calling the loony bin to come get you. If you see the men in white coats, they’re just there to pump your stomach. Tee Hee. I’m rally worried about ya, Luv. You know I can’t speak in a British accent. Keep em coming and pretty soon I’ll need to join you.

    Reply
  9. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    Googled “coffee and altoids” and your was the fifth search result. Can’t wait to learn what happens when you mix altoids and beer.

    Reply
  10. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    Wait a second. Didn’t Monica Lewinsky mix altoids with…. ugh. Never mind. Didn’t hear that from Ferb, so that must not be true.

    Reply
  11. Pingback: OMG No One’s Gonna Take Care of Us When We’re Old | Jenny From the Blog presents . . . . The Suburban Jungle

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