This could be the 2000’s version of Pop Rocks and Coke! Listen, if your head explodes, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
BTW – This is part deux to yesterdays piece on water retention and loss of sanity, but like any book from the Nancy Drew series, it can be read without going back to part 1… if you’re feeling super lazy.
My fingers are so fat, I had to dictate this. I also had to order one of those large number phones for the visually impaired, a clapper, and a medic alert necklace in case I fall and can’t… I’m scared.
The fluid retention may have water logged my brain and I fear I have officially lost it. I’m babbling to myself and can’t walk across the house without a nap. I tried to cut down on salt and substitute it with garlic as was recommended to even blood pressure by WebMD.com, which is virtually as good as asking any doctor. I ate 2 whole cloves last night.
WEEK 6 -day 2
I brushed my teeth and tongue 27 times.
My tooth brush is too short.
The garlic is rising from my intestines and oozing from my pores. While in a store with my closest friend, she asked that I back up when speaking, I was down the aisle from her to begin with. I told her I needed to apologize to the saleslady for having no idea what I was looking for and she suggested I apologize for talking to the saleslady in the first place.
I warded off three vampires, or were they more salespeople? I don’t know, they seemed like blood suckers and were certainly giving me the hard sell… until I spoke and they nearly disappeared. One was working the register I was at and she actually turned into a bat and flew away shrieking.
I can’t take it anymore. I must get away from myself.
In the carpool line I did something crazy, well crazy if you’re a neurotic over thinker. I started swallowing Altoids whole with the hopes that they would dissolve in my stomach and take care of the guttural odor, at the source.
Like anyone trying a new pharmaceutical I started by swallowed a half. Then the crazy took hold. Oh, no. What have I done? I don’t know if it’s safe to just swallow an Altoid without chewing it. They are curiously strong.
Me: No, that’s silly, it’s fine. People accidentally swallow gum and mints all the time, it just takes 7 years to digest, but they survive. Just shove the other three in your mouth and let’s take care of this problem.
So I did and before I could talk myself out of it, I washed them down with coffee.
Me: Holy shit. What did I just do? I swallowed more, and with coffee no less, a stimulant. What if they’re like Pop Rocks and my stomach explodes?
Me: That never really happened, or did it? I don’t know for sure, I never saw Mikey again. My stomach is feeling a bit sour. Maybe I should drink some ipecac?
Me: No by the time I get out of carpool line they will already be absorbed into my blood stream. Maybe I should call someone and tell them what I’ve taken, so they can inform the paramedics when the ambulance arrives… or the coroner.
Still Me: This is ridiculous Jenny, could you imagine if people just died from swallowing mints? You would hear about it. It would be on 60 Minutes or the news.
Me: Wait, I don’t watch 60 Minutes or the news. I only watch Cartoon Network, HBO and reality TV.. Shit, I’m screwed
Me: No, you would have gotten one of those mass emails warning you about swallowing mints, like microwaving saran wrap, or using plasticware with the numbers 4,6, or 7.
Me: But what if I’m the first person to swallow so many Altoids and wash them down with coffee? There has to be a first, right? You have to admit it’s a bit random, swallowing Altoids with coffee, why would anyone do that?
Me in a British Accent: Pip pip and all that… Don’t worry luv, all will be splendid. Now, let’s have a spot of tea, shall we?
Me: I’d love to. You French people make every idea sound smart.