Things We Swore We Would Never Say But Probably Do

Things we swore we would never say

In my recent post about decoding Momisms, I realized that not only have I officially become a mother, I may have officially become MY mother. Not that she was bad, she was and is wonderful, but she spoke a language of cliche “parentese” that I swore would never pass my lips. No, I would never say “Because I said so,” as I intended to have long conversations with my brilliant offspring in which I would explain my decision and discuss my reasoning ad nauseum.

I mean, they deserved to be talked to like adults, right? No quickie threats, or illogical arguments? Well, at least that’s what I assumed when I was one of them. Now, I realize those phrases were uttered to stop from having conversations ad nauseum about EVERY LITTLE THING or because they were simply quick, to the point, and preserved sanity.

Here’s a list of those things we swore we never say … categorized by style.  The question is, how many of these and how many have passed your lips?

The Illogical:

  • Don’t look at me with those eyes.
  • Children are to be seen, not heard.
  • If you keep making that face, it’ll freeze that way.
  • If you want to act like a child, I’ll treat you like one.
  • Quiet down, I can’t even hear myself think.
  • One day you’ll thank me.
  • Because I said so, that’s why!

The Logical:

  • As long as you’re under my roof, you live by my rules.
  • G-d gave you a brain, use it.
  • Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

The Sarcastic:

  • Are your legs broken?
  • If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?
  • Oh, Jen’s mom lets her do (Blank), fine go live with Jen’s mom … I’ll help you pack.
  • Shut the door, were you born in a barn?
  • Your room looks like a cyclone ran through it.
  • Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
  • Let’s play the quiet game
  • Someone better be bleeding.
  • Where are your manners – were you raised by wolves?

The Threatening:

  • I’m not asking, I’m telling.
  • When you have kids I hope they’re just like you.
  • Don’t you use that tone with me Mister/Missy.
  • Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.
  • You better wipe that look off your face.
  • Don’t make me: tell you again / come back there / turn this car around et al.

Well, what’s your score??? Did I miss any phrases?

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31 thoughts on “Things We Swore We Would Never Say But Probably Do

  1. Janine Huldie

    I am so not even taking this quiz, because the sad state of affairs is I have slowly become my mom and just have to accept it I suppose, lol!! Great post and seriously this was awesome!! 🙂

  2. Dana

    According to the quiz, I am unique – I invent my own phrases. I just asked my daughter what I say the most, and her answer was “I am the mother and you are the daughter. We are NOT equal.”
    She’s right, I do say it a lot, because she just doesn’t seem to get it.

    Great post – it made me smile!
    Dana recently posted…Family is my heart, but girlfriends are my soulMy Profile

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I imagine you used those and so very many more. I’ve caught myself saying things about swimming too soon or sitting to close to the TV it just comes out, frankly, I don’t care if it’s founded or not.

  3. Jennifer Stafford Costa via Facebook

    Used with frequency in my house: “This is not a discussion!”
    Used with frequency at my moms house, and will soon get use at my house: “I love you, I just don’t like you right now.”

  4. Melanie

    How about the guilt trip statements such as “G-d is going to punish you for that!” or “You’re referring to me as SHE? I’m you’re Mother, not SHE!
    I use this one a lot: “You boys need to get along! One day your Father and I won’t be here and you will have to look out for eachother!
    Oh! The Jewish guilt!

  5. Tressa

    Im not even a mother (just an aunt) and I use all of those phrases on my brothers’ three childern. We even use Dad’s “Didja HEar me?” and “who’s his/her father?”

    The get along as someday as we will be gone, isn’t just jewish.

    I’ve also picked up a phrase from my sis-in-law too. Now the five and seven-year-olds will threaten to call children’s services over “unjust” time-outs and no snacks or you’ll ruin your supper answers to which the response varies between “here’s the phone” and “go find me a stick to beat you with so they don’t waste the trip.”

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  9. Carly

    Just remembered this one yesterday when it came flying out towards my nephews (my toddler is still too young for most of these.). “I don’t care who started it, but I’m going to end it!”

  10. Keegan

    Instead of ‘because I said so’ I say ‘ because I’m the mother, I’m still bigger then you are and corporal punishment is still legal.. Wanna test it?’

    Born in the barn = I would shut the door, having the heating bill taken out of your allowance would totally suck.

    I’m not asking you. I’m informing you that you are going to do it and now would be your best choice on when.

    Don’t make me = If you don’t knock it off, I am pulling over, getting out and walking away. YOU can explain to the police how you drove your mother so insane she ran away.

    Jump off a bridge = If ___ ran down the middle of the freeway naked covered in green jello singing the national anthem would you? ( the key is to keep a straight face)

    Oh, and ” go to your room, your on timeout!” never worked for some reason. So I put myself on time out instead. It doesn’t happen very often, but it freaks both kids out. I crawl into the closet, wedge it shut and tell the vacuum ALL my problems… When I come out there are two very wide eyed kids looking at me totally willing to behave, now. This has been shared with other parents who have ‘run out of options’ with their own kids and so far has never NOT been effective.

    Mostly, I’m an incredibly strange, very creatively sarcastic person… just ask my

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I don’t have to ask your kids… your tactics are brilliant. I have never had a conversation with the vacuum, well, in front of the kids. I like to tell my vacuum all my problems in private. Though to be fair, the broom gives the best advice. Just saying.

  11. DonnaLynn

    My favorites are:

    This is not a democracy, this is a parentocracy.

    If you do that after I tell you not to, I’m going to parent the patriotic way. I’m going to lay stripes and you’re going to see stars.

    Don’t even let it LOOK like you’re doing anything wrong.

    Want to be able to read by the light of your butt? Or another variation, want me to turn your rear into a night light?

    (Side note here, I’m not actually big on spanking, it just sounds like I am.)

  12. Peter Clack

    ‘What did your last slave die of?’ is quite popular in the U.K. when picking up strewn clothing, toys, food wrappers, anything really. Unfortunately there is the comeback of ‘Over-work!’ 😉

  13. mia

    My nieces and nephews hated this but it still works. I never even actually went through w it but “Wanna play kick butt?” Still makes them behave. Another one I’ve used as an aunt is “Mommy isn’t here so your stuck w me”. With my own kids “Watch it, I’ll run away.” “Don’t pull it here if u don’t pull it at school” “Keep it up and I’ll tell Santa.” “So throw your clothing on the floor, I won’t wash them then.” “Kid I can yell louder than u so save your voice” My 9 yr stepdaughter is at wise butt stage so I say to her “I may be an adult but it wasn’t too long ago when I was your age, I know all the tricks.”

  14. Lorie

    I use “bet?” a lot. Short for “you wanna bet?” She usually doesn’t push after that because she knows I don’t bet unless I’m right.

    Is there blood? No? Then you don’t need a bandaid.

    You want to go to timeout? That one still works.

    Oh and watch that tone, missy!!


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