Yesterday, my bestie texted to alert me that I should stop by because there was a hot guy in her yard. Like he was some majestic animal that had just wandered in, and I should see the glory of nature. I imagined him grazing … and flexing (there was lots of flexing).
What is it about being married over a decade that makes seeing a hot guy something worth notifying others about?
Susan:… No, he’s here fixing a leak in the pool with another guy, who may or may not be hot, can’t tell.
Me: Ooh, one for each. (Yes, that was the first thing I thought because I’m sick! Also, the last time someone called me to come check out a hot guy, I was probably going through puberty and it was important to make sure their were enough hotties to go around).
Susan: Will you just come by?
Me: You’re leaving at 3 and I can’t be “hot guy” presentable before that.
(Yes, we mature women know what hot guy presentable is… it’s cute enough that you’ll get looked at like a MILF rather than a Ma’am.)
Susan: Listen, my hair air-dryed today, so I’m already at a disadvantage. I knew I shouldn’t have rushed out to get groceries so my family could eat this week. — Do you think it would be weird if I went and blew it out?
Me: No that would be totally normal, you should walk back out in short shorts, full makeup and a blow-out. This is like when Claire changed into skinny jeans and a low cut top while waiting for the hot Firemen to arrive as Phil writhed in pain.
Susan: That wouldn’t be beneath me.
Me: Please, I called the fire department last month because I felt a hot spot in my wall. Don’t think I wasn’t wearing lip-gloss and workout gear when they arrived.
Susan: Am I setting an odd example for my children by taking pictures of these men through the window?
Me: Tell them you’re documenting their progress … that makes you a vigilant consumer.
Susan: Can I bring them lemonade?
Me: Sure, you’re just being a thoughtful homeowner.
Then Susan sent pics of the two hotties and after I berated her for not getting better shots we texted stuff that would rival a couple of over-sexed (under-sexed) teens in Porky’s I, II, even Porky’s Revenge.
Shameful things that gave us too big of a chuckle. Things about springing leaks and plugging them … I think you get the picture.
HOLY SHIT!!! We’re either cliche bored housewives or 14 year old boys. Frankly, I’m beginning to think they’re the same thing. I mean, both use sexual innuendo in text and would be willing to take time out of the day just to stare at hotties and would say things that make a highschool girl blush. Well, a highschool girl in my day, that is.
Fuck, tomorrow I’m totally pretending to be sick before gym class!
Now, let’s analyze ladies. 1. I need to see the eyes!!! 2. Odd position for the second guy, but notice the lack of plumbers crack? 3. Why are their shirts on? 4. Why are their pants on???
If our men only knew that our convos could put theirs to shame!
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