A Conversation to Rival Porky’s Revenge

Am I a Bored Housewife or 14 Year Old Boy?Yesterday, my bestie texted to alert me that I should stop by because there was a hot guy in her yard.  Like he was some majestic animal that had just wandered in, and I should see the glory of nature. I imagined him grazing … and flexing (there was lots of flexing).

What is it about being married over a decade that makes seeing a hot guy something worth notifying others about?

Susan:… No, he’s here fixing a leak in the pool with another guy, who may or may not be hot, can’t tell.

Me: Ooh, one for each. (Yes, that was the first thing I thought because I’m sick! Also, the last time someone called me to come check out a hot guy, I was probably going through puberty and it was important to make sure their were enough hotties to go around).

Susan: Will you just come by?

Me: You’re leaving at 3 and I can’t be “hot guy” presentable before that.

(Yes, we mature women know what hot guy presentable is… it’s cute enough that you’ll get looked at like a MILF rather than a Ma’am.)

Susan: Listen, my hair air-dryed today, so I’m already at a disadvantage. I knew I shouldn’t have rushed out to get groceries so my family could eat this week. — Do you think it would be weird if I went and blew it out?

Me: No that would be totally normal, you should walk back out in short shorts, full makeup and a blow-out. This is like when Claire changed into skinny jeans and a low cut top while waiting for the hot Firemen to arrive as Phil writhed in pain.

Susan: That wouldn’t be beneath me.

Me: Please, I called the fire department last month because I felt a hot spot in my wall. Don’t think I wasn’t wearing lip-gloss and workout gear when they arrived.

Susan: Am I setting an odd example for my children by taking pictures of these men through the window?

Me: Tell them you’re documenting their progress … that makes you a vigilant consumer.

Susan: Can I bring them lemonade?

Me: Sure, you’re just being a thoughtful homeowner.

Then Susan sent pics of the two hotties and after I berated her for not getting better shots we texted stuff that would rival a couple of over-sexed (under-sexed) teens in Porky’s I, II, even Porky’s Revenge.

Shameful things that gave us too big of a chuckle. Things about springing leaks and plugging them … I think you get the picture.

HOLY SHIT!!! We’re either cliche bored housewives or 14 year old boys.  Frankly, I’m beginning to think they’re the same thing.  I mean, both use sexual innuendo in text and would be willing to take time out of the day just to stare at hotties and would say things that make a highschool girl blush. Well, a highschool girl in my day, that is.

Fuck, tomorrow I’m totally pretending to be sick before gym class!

susans workmen

Now, let’s analyze ladies.  1. I need to see the eyes!!! 2. Odd position for the second guy, but notice the lack of plumbers crack? 3. Why are their shirts on? 4.  Why are their pants on???

If our men only knew that our convos could put theirs to shame!

Related Posts (All in good fun, K?):

20 Things Women Would Do For Their Besties


I May Be Going Steady With the Pool Boy



16 thoughts on “A Conversation to Rival Porky’s Revenge

    1. rachy

      I also have no opportunity for unexpected men in our little 10′ x 15′ patio/backyard, except the couple fo times when some drunk, homeless guy decided to dry out there and nap on one of the patio chairs. Life in the city!

      Also, no hot guys in the office, as I work with fellow engineers (read: guys who are nerds).

      Enjoy the scenery in the suburbs.

      PS—Not knowing what MILF meant, I found out it could also stand for the “Moro Islamic Liberation Front.” So, let’s consider two things: 1) I live a mere 4 blocks from the home of the Boston Marathon terrorists, and 2) that men are more likely to call me “sir” than MILF, perhaps this definition is more applicable to my life!

      Latest encounter with a hot young man: He sees my back and all 6′ feet of me as I’m going into the elevator with my bike helmet and bag, he calls out “please hold it, my man!” After riding in to work with a helmut, my hair is worse than air-dried, so I guess from the back I could be a guy. But, then, getting on the elevator, he sees my face, and begins to profusely and repeatedly apologize for calling me a guy, finally offering to buy me a stiff drink as he exits the elevator. But, we know that won’t happen. I continue on the my floor and my fellow nerds.

      Bottom line: I’ll take “ma’am” any day!

  1. Desiree

    What a tease! I couldn’t have clicked the link faster to see the photos! At least you know you’re not alone in the quest. I wonder what that says about me? 🙂

  2. Carpool Goddess

    I laughed out loud over the “my hair air-dryed today, so I’m already at a disadvantage.” That would be me on any given day. This post brings back memories of when our smoke alarm had a short and wouldn’t stop ringing. The sound was awful so I called the fire department. Not one, but a handful (no pun intended) of handsome firemen showed up at my door. I called all my girlfriends. They were SO jealous!
    Carpool Goddess recently posted…Mother’s Day 2013: Pancakes on the ceiling and other storiesMy Profile

  3. Woman_on_Pause

    I love how this is under “Parenting.” It is as if you are teaching all young girls, that this is how we all end up. And young men this is how we talk when you aren’t around.

    Nailed it.
    Woman_on_Pause recently posted…PinterventionMy Profile

  4. PinotNinja

    My signature move might be to pretend that I’m “just about to go for a run” when I know that our hot contractor is stopping by. And by “just about to go for a run,” I mean putting on full make-up, spending 20 minutes putting my hair in the perfect perky ponytail, and pouring myself into an adorable work-out outfit that has never seen a drop of sweat.

    And it’s all worth it to get a smile from him. Screw affirmations about my intelligence, this is the best way to boost my self-confidence.
    PinotNinja recently posted…It’s Either a Ghost or Greg LouganisMy Profile

  5. Emily

    Love this…and I’d say the guy standing up was definitely worth going for a hair blow-out…you gals are so lucky to live in the land of backyard pools…all we have up here in the northeast are the occasional fireman and if we’re truly lucky, a new tennis pro comes to town.:)
    Emily recently posted…When Is It Okay To Be Funny Again?My Profile

  6. Karen N

    I had a contractor call me about 90 minutes before he was supposed to stop by for an estimate, asking if he could come right away instead. You can bet that I was putting on makeup, deodorant, and a bra while I called him back to say, “Of course!” If he had called from the driveway I would’ve ducked, ninja-style, and stealthily slunk down the hallway out of sight rather than open the door in my Mom/Cleaning woman mode.

    It happens. Somedays, what else do you have going on than to ogle eye-candy? I routinely channel my inner 14 year old boy and my friends and I have raunchy conversations that nobody else would want to hear! Thanks for offering up some of yours!
    Karen N recently posted…Pets – They’re So RelaxingMy Profile

  7. Liv W.

    I notice that the hot guy is wearing flip flops… interesting choice of work gear. Great blog post!! First time here and I am hooked.


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