7 Things You Won’t Get to Do Once You Have Children – Humor Lists No. 42

7 things you won't do once childrenThe other day, I was in a cosmetics store and asked the girl working there what product she would recommend from a new line they were featuring. Now, I say girl because frankly, she was fresh faced, cute as a button, perfectly tanned, toned, and wrinkle free. (All the things I no longer am.)

Girl: “Well, Ma’am…”

(Ma’am? Ugh, we’re already starting off on the wrong foot.)

“… I’m totes LOV-ING these facial towlettes, because like, you know when you get home and you’re so exhausted after a late night of partying or whatever and you just can’t make it to the bathroom to wash-up? You can just keep these by the bed and you’re done.”

My Response: “Ha ha ha hee hee hee cackle cackle choke cough ha ha ho ho – um, No.”

Yes, it was amusing to even entertain that thought.

Well, my answer’s “no,” unless going out to dinner and having to drive around the block a couple times to ensure my children will be sleeping when I get home, counts as partying?

Seriously, partying til the crack o dawn and drinking myself into the spins are things I did pre-kids, when I didn’t have little people who required that morning meal some call breakfast (the one I ate at noon in college). I did those things when I knew I’d get to sleep through the night and maybe well into the afternoon. When I didn’t  worry that all those high calorie drinks would take a month to work off or that I’d wake up with bags so full, my eyes would be practically indiscernible from my eyelids.

Let’s face it, there are many things you no longer get to do when you become a mom, skipping a night of washing up at the sink, being the least exciting of them.

Things that you probably never realized you lost because frankly, you weren’t conscious of having them in the first place.

After kids you don’t get to:

Be Selfish – Remember when you could order a dessert, or a smoothie, or a sandwich with chips, and no one asked for a bite, piece, chunk, stuck their finger in it, put their mouth on it or stole the whole thing?  Or what about wearing a sweater that you’d never have to give up because some little person said she would be fine without one, but was wrong? Or being able to use the entire coverage of the umbrella (I mean any coverage)? Yes, I remember those things too, vaguely. Aside from the fact that you share your things to make your children happy, it’s literally an illegal parenting move to not share – because it goes against everything you’ve taught them since like … birth! Now that J is a preteen he mooches my Starbucks. MY SACRED LATTES! (I may need to revisit how important sharing is.)

Be Naked. Nudity may seem like no big deal … until your toddler compares your boobs to cow bells, then it’s clothes on for the long haul. No walking to the laundry room to look for a clean bra.  No blowing your hair or putting on make up, sans robe.  No birthday suit appearances at ALL, without worrying that your body may be the cause of their therapy in later life. Seriously, J actually asks if I’m clothed constantly, and when he has accidentally walked in on me nude he covers his eyes and screams as if the vision has seared a retina. (It’s real confidence inducing.)

Be Sick –  A couple years ago, I wrote a comparison of what happens when moms get sick vs. dads getting sick .  Needless to say, dads (like moms pre-kids) tend to act as if they have the plague and moms act as if the world continues to spin, because it DOES! Yep, Doctor’s appointments still stand, sports games aren’t cancelled, kids still need to be fed and bathed. Before kids one could sit home for a week throwing snot filled tissues in a pile on the floor, bathing once every other day … or two, moaning, and binging on Sudafed. Now recuperation consists of you sucking on a lozenge while driving carpool in your comfy sweats. AWESOME.

Do Nothing.  No, for the rest of your parenting life you will have purpose … every minute of every day. Whether it’s cleaning, cooking, working, running errands, trying to stay fit, keeping the kids entertained, happy, fed, clean, healthy, or from beating each other up — you will be doing something. Even the rare times that you’re “doing nothing” you’re doing something, it’s called, maintaining sanity. (So yes, hiding in your closet, hoping for a few minutes span before the kids find you, totally counts.)

Have Crazy Sex. Yes, there was probably a time when all your encounters didn’t take place in the bedroom between the hours of 9PM and midnight.  Maybe you were loud, maybe you couldn’t make it past the kitchen, maybe you moved from room to room leaving a trail of garments in your wake. Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho. I’m sorry, the thought of having that much energy or desire gets me before I even mention that it’s off limits with little ones around.

Watch One Of YOUR Shows With the Kids. Aside from the fact that half the stuff I like is inappropriate, damn you Breaking Bad for being so good, watching a show with them is like having lunch with Gilbert Gottfried (well, what I imagine it would be like). “Mom, why did Clare yell at Juan Pablo? She’s whiny, do you think she’s whiny?” “Ohhh Mom Ma, look at this trick I can do on the sofa.” “Watch I’ll do a somersault, oops I kicked you in the head, tee hee hee.” “Did she go team Adam?” “Do you think Shakira is pretty? Do you think she’s prettier than you, I do.”  “Mom, mom, mom, mom, listen to me do the cup song 8000 more times.” “Look at the cat! How funny is it when I do this to her.”

Get a GOOD Night’s Sleep. Now, let me clarify, my kids are older so yes, I can usually sleep through the night, buuuuutttt if there is so much as a cough or sniffle in the wee hours, I’m out like a shot. Which begs the question, “How deep are we sleeping when a late night rollover could wake us from across the house?” And let’s not forget waking up to pee (our bladders aren’t what they used to be), to check the kids (again), to let the dog out, and to look at the clock and assess how many more hours of sleep you could get — if you were in fact sleeping. Then once the kids are even older, I’m guessing you can’t sleep until they’re safely home and in bed. So basically, sleep is pretty much ruined for decades.

Oh well, I guess you can’t really miss things you never knew you had. Plus, if there’s anyone who gets to steal my latte … or my sanity, it’s my kiddos.

What do you miss?

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7 thoughts on “7 Things You Won’t Get to Do Once You Have Children – Humor Lists No. 42

  1. Kay

    Hilarious! And terrifying. I don’t have any little people yet, and thankfully my cat doesn’t judge me when I blow dry my hair naked. Or if she does, she at least keeps it to herself.

    Reply
  2. Gina

    I am laughing so hard at this but desperately trying to laugh quietly so my kiddos don’t hear me because I’m hiding in the kitchen under the guise of ‘cooking dinner’ and if they hear me actually enjoying myself – alone – they will run in to ‘join in on the fun’!!! So, yeah…I relate!

    Reply
  3. Cherie

    I actually miss those days…NOT!!! FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY. Although the cats do the bothering now, the only good thing is they don’t talk back that much.

    Reply
  4. Yellowish Canary

    So funny! Getting sick is the worst. The kid doesn’t care that you have a fever and can’t move. She wants here mac n cheese, NOW! And we tried watching Survivor with our daughter last night. Unrelenting questions of why the men weren’t wearing shirts and the girls were wearing swimsuits but weren’t in the water. Watching Dora would have been much less painful.

    Reply
  5. Foxy Wine Pocket

    So funny and so true! Most especially the getting sick one. Along with the be naked one, I would add, “exercise without critique.” I can’t tell you how many times my son has come in and told me I was doing a yoga pose wrong or judging me for doing the modifier for some exercise. How early do I have to get up to exercise in peace?!

    Reply

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