Recently, on a road trip to Disney, I was rummaging through the contents of the arm rest compartment for some tissues when I realized the old maxi pad, that had somehow gotten stuck to the inside, would have to be peeled off to sub in for some Kleenex. Plus it had wings, which would make for easy clean-up.
I looked at my mother and said, “We need to invent some kind of portable tool that has all the necessary mommy accoutrements to tackle any parenting task.”
Because we had been on the road a while and we were slap-happy and also listening to a Bratz movie… for the fourth time, we made a list of all the things said contraption would need.
So here are the results of our brainstorming session. I give you … the Swiss Mommy Knife:
1. An extra arm – I can be walking with a phone to my ear, a latte, a purse, a laundry basket, and groceries resting on my hip … and one of my kids will still attempt to hand me an empty juice box. Clearly two arms just aren’t enough.
2. A sibling separator – No matter how much they need to be apart, they somehow magnetize back to each other and continue to argue slap, and tease. This device should be something with a little bite — like a bug zapper or a taser.
3. An elevator backer-offer – I’m thinking some kind of stick-like poker that lets people know your kids will get to push the stupid buttons on the elevator. Regardless of their age, that is somehow the most important thing they get to do all day … well, unless there’s an escalator around somewhere.
4. A stain-remover stick – Don’t kid yourself. By the end of the day, someone will have ketchup, Popsicle juice, spit-up, or dried blood on them — and it’ll most definitely be you.
5. A crust cutter – No matter how old my kids get, leaving the crust on a sandwich is taken with such offense that I may as well write a note on the napkin that reads, “I don’t love you THAT much.”
6. A banana and some chocolate – OK, that’s just smart planning. You never know when the kiddos are gonna need a quick hit of potassium/energy or when you’ll need something to bribe them with. (The chocolate can also be for you.)
7. A ShamWow dispenser – Those things hold 12 times their weight and my kids make messes at about the same ratio.
8. A Magic Eraser – My son once signed his name on a restaurant booth with a permanent marker. If only I had something to magically make the stain (or my family) disappear, as I was forced to explain my son’s penchant for autographing furniture to the manager.
9. A toy opener – This would have to be some kind of tool with the power of a chainsaw! G-d forbid you get a Lalaloopsy out of its packaging without a crow bar, heavy sweating, and some mild to moderate bruising. Where’s the fun in that?
10. A corkscrew – This is strictly for Mom, because there’s few things scarier than a corked bottle of wine.
11. A photo of Adam Levine, Jon Hamm, or Ryan Gosling – Do I need to explain that one?
12. A food separator – I lied. There is a bigger offender than crust, and that’s food that touches other food, because as everyone knows, once two foods touch, they make a radical third food that your children will treat like poison.
13. A voice-activated answering device – Something that would be triggered upon hearing the term “Mom” more than five times in a 60 second span: “Mom is not available right now, please try back later.” (This will give you a slight reprieve. Consider it a good time to eat your kids’ chocolate and stare at your picture of Adam Levine.)
14. A sister wife – I don’t know quite how I’d get her on my key chain (that’s more of a logistical issue), but I’ve seen Big Love, and those chicks totally come in handy.
15. A back patter – Because no one’s gonna do it for you, and we moms seriously deserve it.
WHAT TOOL WOULD YOU ADD?