10 Resolutions I Can Actually Keep

This time of year I amuse myself by looking back at last year’s resolutions. Ones I made with the best intentions, like learning an instrument or a foreign language. Last Chanukah I had my husband buy me a guitar. I had all the confidence in the world that by this new year, I would balk at a request to play Stairway To Heaven, saying something dismissive like… “Please, that’s so cliché, but why not?” or “Por favor, es muy cliché, pero porque no? Unfortunately, my guitar collects dust while my Spanish collects rust.

So for this year, I have made some resolutions that are a bit more achievable:

1. Nag More

For 10 years my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb, or remembered trash day without a friendly, “How many times do I have to tell you?” I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like always and never. As in, “I always, and you never.” I will play the martyr by saying, “Forget it. I’ll do it myself.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here.” Or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2010.

2. Gain weight

I will add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I will start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I will stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it will make other eaters uncomfortable to watch. I vow to eat everything a la mode including ice cream.

3. Work out less

This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s garage and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I will take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I will drop my membership to the gym and use the money I save to buy more carbs.

4. Forget an old language

This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I will let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I will watch endless episodes of Sponge Bob and Chowder. I will stop doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I will break all grammatical rules; I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles, and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance, and a set of bongos that I will wear around my neck.

5. Stay out of touch

This time of year, I am reminded of the many friends I have let time and space interfere with. I intend to further that distance. I will start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads “I never liked you in the first place.” I will cuss out and hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.

6. Be less patient

I will be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole Elementary Education is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell December by now, you never will…Now go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she sits on the potty way too long.”

7. Hold grudges

This year I will forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or pay me the five bucks you owe me, a day after the assigned due date. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.

8. Stress more

I will lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences, and health issues. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my PDA, and then cry over what I have just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait…that already happened. Well good, more for me to worry about.

9. Become addicted to something

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are so trite. I’m thinking something unique like nasal spray or hand sanitizer. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction, maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.

10. Gossip More

I vow to talk about everything you do in the new year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth, so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or an addiction. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced due to a torrid affair. I will start a rumor phone tree and a blog called “WhatYourNeighborsAreReallyUpTo.com.” I may even have a megaphone installed on my “Gossip Mobile,” so I can drive through local parking lots amplifying the skeletons in your closet to all within earshot. Oh, wait… I’ll just write about it in my next column.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

31 thoughts on “10 Resolutions I Can Actually Keep

  1. Karen Rosenberg

    LOVED this one! You bring out such truths in your posts ~ enjoy them, and look forward to more. Happy 2009!

    Reply
  2. Candide

    I needed a laugh and you succeeded in giving it to me! I laughed out loud. This could be your best post yet!

    Reply
  3. Tara @ Tattoo Momma

    I am about to die laughing! Each year women tend to make many resultions that are way off from being achievable, so these are not only funny but a great start to a new year!

    I am glad I found your blog and will be back!

    Reply
  4. Bari

    Jenny,

    The incandescent truths you speak could teach us all irrevocable lessons! Of course, they might have irrevocable jail sentences attached to them. I actually believe these are the best resolutions to have, since like rules- resolutions are made to be broken.

    All the best for a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year

    Bari

    Reply
  5. scott

    Wow, I’ve been keeping those resolutions for years. It’s incredibly hard work. Here are a few new suggestions that you may want to observe.

    1) Watch more bad television.
    2) Stop paying American express
    3) Give less money to the homeless
    4) Stop washing the car
    5) Stop saying NO to my kids
    6) Show up for work no sooner than 11 am
    7) Throw banned items into the neighbor’s blue bin
    8) Break more rules including moving violations and minor shoplifting
    9) Get one of those medical marijuana cards
    10) Park on the front lawn when the neighbor is having a fancy party.

    Reply
  6. aftercancer

    I’ve decided to stop recycling, replace all of my CFL bulbs with incandescents, run the air conditioning with the windows and doors open (if my kids can do it why can’t I) and run around the house with scissors.
    Happy New Year

    Reply
  7. Cherie

    This was extremely funny. You are the true cynic, but that’s what makes you so adorable. I think I will join you on couple of those resolutions, they are much easier to keep. I miss bread.

    Reply
  8. Insanity Kim

    DERNIT!

    I KNEW someone picked up my list when I dropped it at Starbucks digging for my Afrin! I HATE you for listing it first!

    Sigh…whatever…nobody likes me anyway. CRAP I just dropped my Hawaiian sweet roll, and my fat rolls are making it hard to pick up! Great, now it has GERMS on it. I’ll just douse it with hand sanitizer. It’s OK to be drunk before noon. I don’t want to think about what you did to me anyway!! You are so…dang what’s the word…I can’t think!

    Sigh…I’ll just go blog about you now…how annoying you are…

    Reply
  9. Sara

    I admire your efforts but if you’re using this site as a way to get writing projects or build credentials, you might want to make sure your grammar and spelling are up to par. (Hint: In the survey alone there are two very blatant problems.)

    Reply
  10. elizabeth

    I thought I had hear it all, but these was brilliant.
    Got to run.I am teaching my yellow lab to drive. This goes under my desire to not move a finger in 2009. And she knows how to signal.

    Reply
  11. Angie

    Oh, I can keep all of these… but in addition I think I’ll also clean less. They can pick up their used towels off the floor and use them again… they’ll still soak up water. And if I never sweep the floors, I won’t have to feed the dogs as often! Great post!! lol!

    Reply
  12. Peapodsquadmom

    I’m printing these out and putting them on my fridge. I’m thinking I could possibly NOT feel like a failure in 2009. These are resolutions I can stick with. Thanks for the inspiration!

    Reply
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  14. Taylor

    I guess I resolved to “stress more” too when I had the brilliant idea to hold a garage sale in the morning. Part of me wonders why don’t I just drag everything to the road and save the moochers the task of having to wait until dark to steal all my most hated possessions. Instead, I’ll stick to the list and “be less patient” and “forget an old language” when they try to negotiate on the price – #11. Make everyone else as annoyed as I am!

    Just venting…but thanks for the break from reality!

    Reply
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  16. Barry

    I really needed a laugh, and got it. I read the responses and saw that you have another admirable ability. You can bring out The Worst in people. Could this be a Resolution for next year ? Loved this one.

    Reply
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  18. Tara

    Hey girl – this is great stuff! Followed you from LinkedIn and I’m so glad I did – this is the best blog post I’ve read in a long time!

    I just did an article on Link Building and Spiders and had to reference a hilarious video I thought you might enjoy Spiders on Drugs

    Hopefully the html works (I’m clueless here) – if not look for the Spiders on Drugs reference in the article at http://busybizwiz.wordpress.com

    Keep up the good work! I hope to throw as much traffic as I can your way! People need to laugh now more than ever!

    Reply
  19. Kathryn

    “I vow to eat everything a la mode including ice cream.”

    This has to be one of the top 10 lines of the piece – you really do have a unique way of saying the things we are all thinking!

    Reply

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