I was just writing a piece on things our parents do that embarrass us even though we’re grown up, when it dawned on me that my kids do things that embarrass me even more. My children have blurted out some very personal secrets to teachers, doctors, the person who gives you shoes at the bowling alley, and I’m sure unbeknownst to me — to other people’s parents as well.
The first time I recall being outed by one of my children was when my son was about 3. While in the checkout line at the grocery store, he looked at cashier and nonchalantly said, “My mommy walks around naked.” As if it made perfect sense in the context of buying juice boxes.
I’ve also been privy to other people’s juicy secrets, unsolicited mind you. (It’s not like I drill little children that innocently come over to play or hook them to lie detectors while we enjoy cookies and then I ask if their mom has had any work done.)
Here are some of the reasons we should never share anything private with our children (KIDS TELL ALL!) — and the reason we shouldn’t let them leave the house …
1. Said to me at the window of a drive-thru: “My mom doesn’t let me eat fast food, she says people who eat it are slobs.”
2. Said while out to dinner with friends and their kids: “My dad only has one testicle.”
3. As I handed my daughter’s nursery school teacher our report about our weekend with the class’s Clifford the Big Red Dog stuffed animal: “My mom made the whole thing up, Clifford was in our trunk all weekend.”
4. Said to the cable guy who was calling to say he would be at my house within the hour: “My Mom can’t come to the phone right now, she’s making a poop.”
5. Said to my 11-year-old son at a sleepover: “I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but my dad let me see Hot Tub Time Machine.”
6. A friend’s son explained, “My younger brother was a miracle. My dad has slow swimming sperm.”
7. A friend told me that my child said this while swimming at her house: “My mom says it’s OK to pee in the pool if you REALLY have to go bad.”
8. Said to my entire family at a playdate: “My mom has a penis.” I’m guessing this one wasn’t true, but the little boy certainly thought so.
9. Said to my daughter during a game of house: “You be the baby, like the one my mommy has in her belly … oops.”
10. Confessed to me by my daughter: “I told Lily we couldn’t have sleepovers anymore because you said she’s annoying.”
Yep, these are the types of things my sweet little imps (and yours) have volunteered during carpools, sleepovers, and playdates. Be careful what you tell them and who you let them talk to.
Spill: What confidential tidbits have you heard … or have your offspring shared about you?
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